War is Love
by ano9748
Summary: What if Meredith Grey couldn't stand to stay in Seattle after Derek went back to Addison? What if a few years later, she had no choice but to come back?
1. Ch 1 Imposed Events

CH 1 Imposed events

Richard Webber looked at the open file in front of him and sighed.

He knew there was no way this was going to go without a hitch. He wasn't really sure what had happened, he had barely been aware of it before she had left and it had been over, but there had been something. Most people, him included, had reasoned that it couldn't have been serious, but a man wasn't that destroyed if it wasn't real.

Richard took one last look at the top page of the file. Had he no other choice? Not really. And he knew her, or had known her mother well enough to know that she wouldn't be doing this if she had the choice: It seemed avoidance was a genetic trait.  
He pushed the call button to his secretary.

"Yes Dr. Webber?"

" Page Dr Shepherd for me please, ASAP, if he's in surgery put Nelson on it"

"Right away sir." Richard sighed again. He knew it couldn't possibly go without a glitch, but he could try and limit the damage.

**One week previously**

_"Lieutenant, I have already told you, this is not up for discussion. This is a direct order. You did your duty; you saved thirteen American lives as well as three Iraquee refugees. You got shot, and you're well enough to be off bed rest but I'll be damned if your going back to the front now. Is that clear?"_

_She bit her tongue to stop her retort short. He was her commanding officer after all._

_ "Yes Colonel, I understand"_

_"You don't like it though, do you?"_

_"Permission to speak freely sir?"_

_He smiled slightly at the young woman he considered his little sister. "Granted Lieutenant"_

_"With all due respect sir, it's my job to save lives. It's why I became a doctor. I'll be more use on the front. It's why I joined the army", she added as an afterthought._

_Colonel Michael Rivers looked at his Lieutenant sternly, "We both know that's not true G." he said looking deep into her eyes, but unable to make her break his gaze: after all he had taught her well. _

_"Besides, you will be saving lives, just not on the front. You're on imposed leave, at the hospital from which you transferred." _

_Meredith Grey winced. It had been over five years, and she had accomplished a lot in them; but she didn't want to go back. It would bring the past back._

_"Yes sir" she replied. _

_"G, as your friend, I believe you can do this, and you need to recover. As your commanding officer, you have no choice, and you're of no use to me in any other way right now. You leave in three weeks"_

**Present day**

Seattle Grace Mercy West's Head of neurosurgery headed to the door of his boss and mentor's office grudgingly. He had a busy day, a really busy day, and 911 pages to the chief's office were rarely actual 911 pages; they just meant if you ignored them you were in trouble. Which meant that Nelson had taken his surgery, and that he wasn't going to cut anytime soon. Added to the personal crap he had at the moment...but now wasn't the time to worry about Addie, he knew it'd be alright in the end. Shaking thoughts of his ex-wife out of his head, he knocked on Richard Webber's door.

"Come in."

"Chief, you paged?"

"Yes Derek sit down, I need to talk to you about your department."

"My department?"

"Yes. I've been asked to take on a Doctor temporarily and..."

Derek groaned "With all due respect Richard, you know I hate referrals, I like to pick my team"

"...and usually I agree with you" his boss cut in "But here, even I did not get much choice in the matter, but that's not the main issue here, not for you anyway."

"What is of my concern then?" asked Derek warily already annoyed and not liking where this conversation was heading

"The doctor in question won't be completely under your authority" Richard steeled himself for his employee's reaction, and sure enough...

"You impose a doctor on me without my say and then you tell me he'll be independent?" cried Derek outraged "you're being ridiculous Richard."

Richard's tone became a bit sterner. "Dr Shepherd, calm down. The surgeon in question is perfectly qualified, I assure you...

"Attending at least?"

"Yes, second year double board certified Neuro and Trauma surgeon, which is why contact with you will be limited."

Derek opened his mouth to protest again, but was cut by Patricia announcing a visitor. "A Colonel Michael Rivers says you're expecting him sir"

"Ah yes let him in", he turned to Derek who seemed confused.

"Colonel rivers will know how to explain better than I will" he said smiling satisfactorily at the fact he wouldn't have to deal with his head of neuro's outcries of rage and pointed questions...at least not right away...let Rivers deal with them in the mean time.

"That I will" came a rough deep voice from the door, and Derek couldn't help but feel intimidated. The man in front of him as well as being rather tall was rather stock with large toned muscles highlighted by the tightening of his short sleeve military uniform around his biceps. The military cut and the gun holster on his side only completed the effect. He held out his hand to Richard, before turning to Derek.

"Dr. Webber, it's a pleasure to finally meet you in person, Dr. Shepherd; also a pleasure." He turned back to Richard "I take it you told him about the transfer?"

"Wait" said Derek; looking searchingly between the two men "...its you?... We're getting an army transfer? Richard I must..." But yet again he was cut off, albeit this time by Rivers.

"Hell no, I would never have stuck through med school." he said making a face "wouldn't have had the patience. Though to answer your first enquiry, Dr. Shepherd the transfer will indeed be one of our doctors."

"A military doctor? Derek asked flatly again looking back to Richard...

"I can assure you the lieutenant is good at what she does. True I wouldn't be the best judge of that having no medical degree myself, but G's saved a lot of lives, a very valuable asset to our troops."

"Then why is he being imposed on me?"

"Dr. Shepherd, that's enough!" cried Richard.

"I apologise Dr. Webber, and to you Colonel, if that seemed rude, but I would like to know why a milit is being shoved on us if he screwed up in the army"

Rivers tensed slightly. He hated army critics, but he had gotten past that. But no one put Meredith Grey in question. "I can assure you that no one of my team is known to screw up, Dr Shepherd and the officer in question least of all. The leave being imposed to her (he stressed the her, for some reason frustrated at Derek's assumption that the doctor in question was male) is for her own recovery, and not a punishment."

"Recovery?"

"She was gravely wounded in a recent insurgent attack. Her status is now well enough to practice again, or so the army clinic where she was at have informed me, but it won't be quite a few months until she'll be well enough to serve on the front. Despite her impatience and assurances that she is ready to return." He smiled at Derek, "Believe me Dr. Shepherd, my officer was as loathe to be transferred here as you to receive her"

"Then why can't she stay at that clinic?"

"She'd go mad with boredom" Rivers stated smoothly. "I don't have much experience with doctors, Dr. Shepherd, but my understanding from the few surgeons I know is that you're a breed born to cut. The clinic itself is more of a recovery location. Not to mention your technology being more qualified for her mandatory scans to follow the progress of her recovery."

With that he turned to Webber, before Derek could interrupt again "I'll keep in touch Dr. Webber, G should report to you in two weeks time. Good day." And with that he left.

"Mandatory scans?" cried Derek exasperated, "are we transferring a doctor or a patient?"

"In this case, both" answered Richard "and I appreciate your lack of enthusiasm, but this is really what's best"

"For who, her or the hospital Richard?"

"Honestly, for both, she is a fully qualified trauma surgeon after all; it could help stimulate the rankings..."

"So this is a publicity strategy" Derek grumbled» still trying to raise points since the loss of popularity preceding the merger"

"Derek!» cried out Richard warningly, the two had already made their differing opinions on the merger clear and agreed not to talk about it in future.

Derek sighed "I'm sorry Richard, you just...you know how I feel when it comes to my department, I like to control things."

"I understand Derek, but you need to support me in this, please" he searched his former student and old friend's face pleadingly, finally receiving a curt albeit reluctant nod. "And why the sudden block on army doctors?"

"I have nothing against the army Richard, they lay down there lives to save others, military doctors in particular but you know as well as I do, no army officer is going to bow down to civilian orders"

Richard sighed. "Be that as it may Derek, officers are generally instructed to obey orders, and whether reluctantly or not, above her head will be the heads of the US army ordering her to go along with it, so don't you worry about that"

"How long a week will she be on my service?"

"With the exception of major ER overflows probably three days a week, and I'll have the general staff briefed next Friday with the details, but for now I just need your internal workings to include another doctor's schedule, whether or not she'll only be under you part time" Richard inwardly winced at his accidentally ambiguous remark, but he was reassured to see Derek hadn't picked up on it, before realising he was paranoid, and Derek had no was of knowing YET that the transfer in question was his ex-...something or other.

"Office?" Derek knew attendings; himself included, generally liked to have some sort of personal workspace, but did not see how he was going to find a spare room for this transfer in his department, especially if it was temporary.

"The janitor is liberating the ER office. We don't have a trauma department per say, but as it's a particular situation, and Neurosurgery isn't the sole department concerned, it'll be fine"

Derek nodded grudgingly. "Okay Richard, but I want to shadow her myself until I'm confident she can function up to my standards, no slack. Army badges don't win boy scout points with me." And with that he headed out.

Richard smiled nervously, what had he gotten himself into?


	2. Ch 2 Suspiscionsconfirmed?

CH 2 Suspicions...confirmed?

Michael Rivers sat next to the window in his American Airlines flight back to Washington D.C. from which after passing at headquarters, he would head back to the Middle East the following morning.

As he aimlessly watched the clouds passing by he pondered his meeting with the chief and Shepherd. Meredith had never mentioned names, but he knew something had gone on during the start of her internship before joining the accelerated military residency programme. He had always had suspicions that it had to do with a man, and perhaps a boss. Especially considering her timidity around him for almost two years when he had teasingly flirted with her. That had lasted until he reassured her that he was gay, and had no desire of any relationship with her other than a platonic one.

She had let slip, through time, unconscious hints that seemed to confirm his speculations, and while names were never mentioned or specific references made, her general reluctance to let herself approached by any of her colleagues on a personal level spoke volumes. He, of course, had gradually chipped through her many walls, and they had become close friends, family even, to the point where she had once referred to him as her male Christina, the explanation of which had made them both crack up laughing (they had of course been off duty at the time).

Though he had never met any of them; Michael knew that Meredith, or "G" as he had amicably named her, kept close contact with her Seattle Family, and he had gathered from her frequent and nostalgic mentions of them that they had parted on good terms, from which he had deduced that her departure had been caused by something,...or someone else entirely.

Her career path, though he knew nothing much about surgery, had always intrigued him as well. Her dive into Trauma surgery as a sub-specialty on top of her obvious enthusiasm for neuro had always given him a feeling that she was perhaps trying to distance herself from her first board certification, despite her firm assertion that trauma was the logical orientation for someone working in the army. He knew she hated being associated to her mother, and had long thought that the famous Ellis grey must have been a neuro surgeon; only to discover she had been in General.

But having now met Derek Shepherd, Michael somehow felt sure his suspicions had something behind them. While nothing concrete had been presented to him linking the two doctors, the idea persisted in his brain, and the more he thought about it, the more it made sense. Seattle always seemed to haunt Meredith Grey, and the lustre of her eyes always dimmed when her former residence (and residency) was mentioned. And finally last week when told she would be working under Derek Shepherd, he had felt the jolt in Meredith's countenence despite the best attempts of her military training to keep cool.

"I spoke to Dr. Webber, G, and he informed me you would be tied to the Neuro department but free to function as a Trauma surgeon, in the ER, whatever that means. He also intimated it would be good to update the hospital on trauma procedure, and I told him to make the most of your stay."

But Meredith had frowned at the mention of the neuro department. She had known she would inevitably be linked to it but, the realisation spoken out loud hit her like a tone of bricks. She had tried to steady her voice as she asked as casually as she could muster "Do you know who I'll be working under?"

Michael had checked his paper then, interested by the slight tensification of his officer's countenance that she had attempted, unsuccessfully, to hide. "Dr. Derek Shepherd. Why? Do you know him?"

Meredith's breathing increased slightly and her face paled. The alteration was minor; Special Forces trained you not to panic, and anyone else would have passed over her reaction as all but absent, but Rivers knew Meredith Grey, and currently, she was panicking.

If anything, his meeting with Shepherd that morning had done nothing but confirm any questions he had been asking himself. In fact, if he knew anything about G's taste in men (and their shared interest in the male sex had already brought on certain debates), Derek Shepherd was all but perfect for her. The one exception to that might have been his undeniably too high opinion of himself, evident from his stance against transferring a doctor to his department without his seal of approval; proof, as G would put it, of "an ego the size of Texas".

Laughing slightly to himself Michael thought that if his suspicions proved true, and there had been something between the two before, then G's annoyance with overly cocky males might have derived from their meeting in the first place. But the Colonel's smile wavered slightly on the consideration that Meredith had clearly been through enough pain in her life, and the hope that he had not just thrown her back into a piece of her past she had been determined to forget.

* * *

Meredith took a deep breath. Two weeks. In two weeks her life was going to be turned on its head.

Turned back to how it had been five years before. And that wasn't good. At all. True, some parts of her old life she wouldn't mind finding again.

The comfortable mattress of her four poster bed for one. In an actual room, in an actual house. Sleeping in tents was fine, but they weren't great for privacy. Especially when ninety percent of her entourage were men. That was definitely another plus. Seattle had a more equal distribution of both sexes. She had no problem with men, none at all. They were great. In fact, some of her closest friends, including in the army, she mused, thinking of Mike, were men. But the conversations on cars and poker and baseball...and women tended to get a bit boring after a while.

She smiled to herself. Maybe that's why she got on with Mike so well. He didn't talk about women, though they didn't really have the same taste in men either. Meredith laughed, then sighed again as her thoughts went back to the situation before her. No, there were definitely some things in the army she could do without. But it was still her life. And while she was overjoyed at the thought of seeing her person again, as well as Izzie, Alex and George,...other parts of her past held less positive connotations for her; namely, the reason she had left in the first place.

And THAT, she reasoned, was the problem. The whole point of turning her life around five years ago had been to escape all the crap her life had become, and start over, which she had done. Rather well she had thought. But apparently, getting shot meant she'd gone through all that trouble just to get herself thrown back into all the crap.

Meredith sighed as she looked over her things neatly packed in a corner of the storeroom of the clinic she'd been staying at since her surgery. They had been brought over only a few days after her, and ordered so that she would have no last minute preparation to do. Her uniform, its tears recently repaired and stains long since washed, lay folded on top of her bag, ready for her for when she discarded her patient gown. She was to stay here on bed rest for another twelve days or so, to make sure things stayed as well as could be, and would then head straight for the States with Michael, from where he would accompany her to Seattle before he himself went to Montreal on military business.  
It seemed strange that her whole life was huddled in this corner, laid out before her and packed away, ready to be whisked off along with her to the past.

"Lieutenant?" cut in a sympathetic voice behind her. She turned to look at her nurse. "Yes?"

"We have to check your incision site again. And you need your rest." Meredith huffed, much to her nurse's amusement.

"You're not off bed rest yet, Lieutenant. And you know as well as I do that the Colonel would have both our heads if he found you roaming about when he comes to see you."

Meredith smiled "But that's why we're keeping this between us, isn't it Nat?"

Natalie Shepherd laughed. She got along well with Lieutenant Grey, and had been amused at her patient's obvious hurry to get through her recovery. She had a great respect for the military in general, which considering her job, was to be expected, but sometimes, once every now and then, one in particular caught her attention more than the others. And this military surgeon, who had lain her life down for sixteen others, only to spend the next four weeks plaguing her with demands on when she could go back, was one of them. Yes, it was patients like this that made her glad she had followed in her mother's footsteps as an Army Nurse.


	3. Ch 3 Correspondences

CH 3 Correspondences

Christina Yang was used to receiving unlabeled envelopes from her best was a covert military doctor, so travelling on the job and danger was a given. She didn't like it but she got it. Izzie didn't. Izzie spent her time praying that Mer was still alive.

At least that's how things had been before. Before...IT had happened. Now Christina couldn't help but share Izzie's ever present paranoia.

Christina smiled half-heartedly. If that was one thing Mer leaving had done, it was bring the other two original female interns of the five closer together. But this wasn't about that. This was about the letter she was currently holding unopened in her hand. Christina turned the object of concern over in her palm with dread. She was terrified at what it would bring. And she knew Alex and Izzie would kill her if she opened it without her; George would be pissed, but seriously, he couldn't hurt a fly, and he didn't live here anymore.

They had all moved in together in Meredith's house when George had moved in with Callie in town, leaving his room to Alex and her without a roommate. Taking it as an opportunity to move out of Burke's apartment, Christina had eventually settled on joining the 'Seattle Grace Youth hostel' as Mer liked to put it, and set up shop with her fellow interns (now first year surgical fellows) after checking with her person that it was fine.

"Yang!" came the sudden voice downstairs.

"Up here Karev!" A minute or two, and a stampede up the flight of stairs later Alex made his entrance into the room. Christina had been heading to collapse on her bed, skimming through the mail, when Meredith's letter had stopped her, three feet from the door and about one foot short of the bead.

"What's going..." He saw Christina's focus, "crap is that another one?"

"Yep"

"Aren't you going to open it?" asked Alex breathlessly

"And have Barbie kill me for doing it without her? No thank you, besides, after the last one, do you blame me?"

Alex and her met eyes, flashing back to that night two and a half months ago.

**FLASHBACK**

_"Yang I said shut up; she's just a fuck buddy okay?"_

_ "Right evil spawn, because I totally didn't see you blush when kissed you goodbye in the hall". She snorted "seriously, all that Barbie and Bambi contact has made you soft...maybe you're the one that should have shipped off to the army, built yourself some backbone."_

_"Shut it yang, I'll ha..."But they were interrupted as the doorbell rang. "I'll get it!" called Alex running downstairs. As he opened the door a military haircut young man greeted him._

_"Could i speak to Dr. Christina Yang?"_

_ "Yeah sure, I'll call her"_

_ "Yang 'it's for you, I think it's from Mer."he called up to her._

_ "Finally" growled Christina rushing to the door, she hasn't contacted in ages..."_

_She kept talking as she ripped the letter open "I mean seriously all because she's some hot-shot military officer doesn't mean she can..."_

_She interrupted herself as her hands started to shake._

_"Christina?" Alex asked, worried,...and at her silence he had taken the letter_

Dear All,

How's it going? Chris as your person I've got to hope you didn't let Burke lure into getting back together just because of a few hot surgeries, you deserve better, as much from your attending as your boyfriend or whatever. My advice is definitely to stick with teddy, even if she's less renown. I mean seriously, he expects you to move to L.A. for him after leaving you at the altar? I repeat Chris that had I been there, I would have kicked his ass. (But then we both knew Christina yang could not possibly have a successful wedding with her person missing...no offence to izzie, i'm sure she was a very enthusiastic maid of Honour. Sorry Iz.) As for you Izzie, I hope your still not baking muffins in an attempt to lure me home, because as cruelly tempting as that would be, my hands are tied. And you Alex, dear dear, Chris tells me your in love? That you've gone all mushy? I must admit I have to believe it to see it, though Chris informs me she's worried you've been replaced with a clone. Tell George when he comes back from his honeymoon that I miss him too, and not to let you guys get to him with all the mocking, especially you Alex.  
Crap I'm going to have to finish this letter later, the camp's on red alert.

_Here the letter was interrupted for a space, before a different handwriting continued:_

Hi, let me introduce myself, I'm sure Meredith has mentioned me, I'm Colonel Rivers. I Promised G I'd get this to you with the promise that she loves you all and that she's hanging in there. She had an unbelievably trying several days and has saved sixteen lives singlehandedly yesterday; unfortunately getting hit by six shots in the lower left abdomen. I will keep you informed; she is stable for now, her surgery having gone as well as could be expected and has regained consciousness for a few minutes before dosing off. Her attending physician has informed me, and I'm sure you know better than I that that is completely normal and the best to be expected in cases like these.

_While the handwriting stayed the same; the letter suddenly changed narrator, after another slight pause in the letter; as they were informed Meredith was dictating._

I promise, I'm fine. Really fine, not Meredith fine. Okay, Mike's insisting on adding that that's bullshit and that I'm not fine, but don't listen to him he's stupid. And now he's telling me he could report me for insulting a commanding officer, except as he's sitting on my bed chatting casually with me and calling me G instead of Lieutenant, I called him for it proving once again that you shouldn't pay attention to what he sais, as its bullshit. And now he's informed me that my last three lines of dictation don't mean anything, and just constitute in rambling. He offered to rewrite them for me, but I said it should be fine. So my apologies if it really is that bad. But seriously guys, I'm fine. I'm in recovery and bed rest until further notice but I'm fine. And I promise I will keep you informed.

Don't worry about me, miss you all,

Dr. Lieutenant Meredith Grey  
ICO division K8 US Army

**END OF FLASHBACK**

Alex winced slightly at the memory. Izzie had been a wreck, George had started his post honeymoon depressed seeking comfort in his wife, and Christina had been drunk for days. Bailey had ridden their asses all day and they hadn't even been able to complain, no one but they knew -with the exception of Callie-what had happened.

That was until Meredith's promise of news had been realised, and they had all been shocked in receiving word from Chief Webber himself, a little over six weeks ago, that while unable to contact them directly, Meredith was continuing to recover slowly, and that nothing news worthy had occurred since.

"It'll be fine Chris" he assured her, "it wouldn't have been this long if it was bad news."

Breathing heavily, she opened the letter slowly and skimmed through the words. Suddenly she stopped and turned to Alex.

"What, What is it? He asked, concerned snatching the letter. "Is something wrong?"

Still bewildered, Christina shook her head "Mer's coming home."


	4. Ch 4 Decisions

CH 4 Decisions

Derek leaned against the railing on the catwalk of his second home. Well maybe his third, his mother's house in the outskirts of New York would always he his first home.

Muddled thoughts stormed his brain and he sighed, gulping down the last of his coffee, the emptiness of his fourth Styrofoam cup of the morning adding to all of his frustrations. It was simply too early in the morning to have so many problems on his mind. For one, there was the fact that one of his stupid interns had thought it was a good idea to order an M.R.I., without his say-so, for a patient who had already been diagnosed as having an aneurysm, therefore rendering the costly scans obsolete, and giving him a ton of paperwork to file. The intern in question had of course been kicked off his service. And then there was the whole army thing. Derek sighed.

Somewhere, deep within the back of his conscience, he knew he was being ridiculous. While his father's death in his childhood had left him with a strong dislike of guns and fighting, Derek didn't really have an issue with the army. He even had a certain respect for the people who were so ready to sacrifice their lives so others could sleep safe at night. Hell, two people in his family worked with close ties in the army, and had contact with soldiers on a daily basis. But that didn't change the fact he was unhappy about this transfer.

All in all it wasn't even really about the army thing. It was just on principle. He was the Head of Neuro, shouldn't he get a say in who worked for him? Apparently not. He already had the semi competent Jim Nelson to deal with, unable to fire him because of his seniority at the hospital, and he didn't really want to have another dud on his hands. Though, he knew, in the rational part of his brain, that he shouldn't make any judgements before seeing this transfer first hand.

But really on a certain level, wasn't the entire thing ridiculous?

His conversation with Richard stuck in his mind. Not only would this trauma Barbie be pushing around his schedule, but he'd have to put up with her in the E.R. as well now wasn't that just perfect! And all that crap about being in recovery. Damn it, couldn't she recover somewhere else? Try as he might he couldn't shake the thought that this felt strangely like someone being dumped on him so as not to have to be dealt with.

And finally, there was the whole matter of his ex-wife, whom he had yet to call, with an answer. An answer he didn't have, because he had yet to make a decision.  
Though their marriage had broken up in a relatively hostile atmosphere, Derek mused, things had overall smoothed out since then, and he wouldn't mind seeing Addie again, catching up….of course, he wished it could have been under different circumstances. And he still didn't know if he was actually going or not. He groaned. Too many problems.

"Hey man" came the voice of his best friend. "What's wrong?"

Derek sighed, at least he had someone to vent to now. "Did you hear about the transfer in Neuro?"

Mark Sloan shook his head "No, why, what's wrong with transfers?"

"Army doc mark, as in uncontrollable, thinks they're better than anyone else godcomplexed surgeons..."

Mark chuckled. "Shep, you do realise that apart from the army thing, you've just described every surgeon in living memory right?"

Derek sighed "It's just, you know how much I hate referrals, you're not picking who you know and trust best; your playing favourites and weaselling them to the top."

"When does hot-shot arrive?"

"Two weeks"

"That's plenty of time. Stop worrying about it so much man. Hey I'll tell you what? Joes tonight, pick up a few women,"

Derek smirked "I truly am a lesser man for knowing you Mark, you know that right?"

"You love me."

Derek snorted, at which his friend added "plus, someone's got to make you look good."

Derek smiled appreciatively at his brother (in all but blood). He had to admit, he never thought it could get back to this. But Addie was gone and happy in LA. now...even if there was that one thing he didn't know what to do about. He sighed again, which didn't go unnoticed.

"You sound tired Shep" remarked his friend, "better keep it low until GI Joe makes his appearance"

"Its GI Jane apparently" sighed Derek once more, "but that's not all of it."

His best friend didn't say anything, waiting for him to continue.

"Addie's mother passed away, and she asked me to be there, but I don't know if I should go."

Mark started back suddenly "Bizzy's dead?" Derek turned to face him. Neither of them had gotten on particularily well with Derek's ex mother in law.

"Yeah"

"wow. I don't mean to be rude, but I never thought anything would ever kill that woman."

Derek chuckled bitterly. "you have a point there."

Mark hesitated before venturing "How's Addie doing?"

The two men's friendship had all but completely repaired itself in the last few years, but Mark still felt awkward at times, bringing up the woman that had nearly caused the downfall of a lifetime's friendship between them. Derek let out an exasperated sigh at his best friend's unsure tone.

"For heaven's sake mark, I already told you, we're past that. So snap out of it, coz right Now I need your advice. What do I do?"

Mark paused looking in Derek's eyes. "If you and I are past that man, than surely you and Addie are too? And then you can go no problem to Connecticut to support an old friend. Because I know that's what you're asking Derek. You wouldn't be you if you didn't want to be there for Addie"

Derek nodded, and gave an appreciative smile to his best friend. Mark was right. While they hadn't separated on the best of terms; Addie and him had come to some sort of reconciliation, and had remained, if not to the point of what they used to be, at the very least friends. Derek had even been unnerved at Addison's pushing at their last meeting at a conference in Chicago, for him to "Either find the damn girl and marry her or move on to someone else, put to please stop moaning over Meredith Grey." Derek had of course known that both options were completely impossible, because Meredith had all but disappeared off the face of the earth, but he had been touched, while a bit surprised at his ex-wife's playful nagging. Mark looked sheepishly at him for a second.

"What is it?"

"So,...we're really okay, you and me?"

Derek bit back the urge to sigh in exasperation again, recognising his best friends need of reassurance, that they were back to the before.

"It's been over five years Mark, if we don't move on at some point, we never will. You and me, yeah, we're fine."

He paused before adding, "I'm sure Addie would be happy for you to be there as well."

"You'll be back in time for army Barbie" laughed Mark suddenly, "so at least you won't be missing anything."

Derek groaned "Oh please don't remind me about that."


	5. Ch 5 Back to the before

CH 5 Back to the before

Two weeks later Meredith Grey stood in front of SGMW Hospital for the first time in six years and let out a tense breath. She was back. Here. Where HE was. She knew from her friends that he was still there and that he was divorced, that he had left his wife in the end. Or they had left each other. But he had still left HER. And she didn't know if she trusted herself to do this.

She missed him, she knew that. And despite telling herself she was imagining that feeling, the one that had been choking her for the last six years, she knew she still loved him. She just didn't know if she trusted herself around him yet, or ever. Which is why she had never wanted to return. But apparently, according to the reglementation surrounding the receipt of a direct order, she had no choice. And that sucked.

Meet her friends? Yes. Visit them in the states? Yes. Hang out with them in bars getting drunk and hearing stories about their residency while catching a break from the war front? Yes. But not in the same city let alone the same hospital as Derek Shepherd. Which is why she was screwed. And not in the good way.

The voice of her commanding officer broke through her reverie a little sternly "You going to stay there all day Lieutenant?"

Michael had offered to accompany her back to Seattle, as he was headed to their Canadian Base in Montreal anyway the following week. Don't ask her why, she didn't know.

Meredith turned to her superior, passing her hands nervously on the sleeves of her uniform that she gripped as a nervous habit.

"Permission to be direct sir?"

Michael smiled sadly, "granted, lieutenant" and then after a slight pause he surprised her by taking her into a hug, before she could gather her words. She shuddered slightly, and he held on tighter.

"You'll be fine, G. The best goddamn medical officer I've ever seen and you're strong. Don't let the past mess with who you are"

Meredith pulled back slightly to look at him questioningly. He couldn't know anything, could he?

"What I'm saying" he continued knowingly "is don't let Derek Shepherd get to you, no matt..."

But Meredith's gasp interrupted him "How? When? How d'you know? Wha...?" she stammered-  
Her friend squeezed her arm affectionately.

"I didn't know anything, G, not really, not until now at least" he smiled reassuringly. "I've always had suspicions there was something to tell you the truth, without really knowing for sure, and ever since your reluctance to return, I've been wondering..."

"And Derek?"

Michael noticed both her designation of her ex-boss by his first name, as well as the mix of emotions surging through her face as she allowed herself to speak it out loud for the first time in five years: pain, regret, longing, confusion, anger...and unmistakably apparent to him, stronger than all the others: love.

"Something about your reaction when I mentioned him" said her friend honestly.

Meredith blanched, groaning and throwing her face in her hands "Damn it! Is it really THAT obvious? I knew I couldn't do this, I knew it! I can't be here" and she started to shake, military training be damned, letting herself start to break down under the weight of five years of pent up emotion.

"Shhh;" Michael comforted taking her fully in his arms "It's all right. Don't worry It'll be fine, G. It's not that obvious really," he comforted her, startled by the sudden upsurge of emotion in his usually composed friend "I just notice things."

Meredith snorted "That's the problem Mike, Chris knows me even better than you, if that's possible, they all know me, and I can't..."she hiccupped on her breath again "I can't go back to being that broken dysfunctional mess, ...I just can't!" she was frustrated now, knowing that despite the fact the orders had come from him, he had no real control on the situation either, and that she would just have to deal with the situation as it came along.

"I just,...I thought I'd managed to leave that behind, Mike" she sighed desperately, having recovered a semblance of control over her countenance, at least too the untrained eye. To anyone else she was back to her stoic calm self, but Colonel rivers could feel the residual tension in her muscles.

"I know G, I know".

He paused soothing her gently, tracing smooth circles along the plane in her back, as another male hand had done so years previously... "If you don't mind me asking G, as a friend..."Michael paused searching his almost sister's now dry eyes "what happened exactly?"

Meredith forced herself to take a deep breath as she felt once more the rush of emotion flood her, happiness, longing, desire, thrill, and deep down afar as she could push it down, trying to forget it, the most raw passionate love imaginable running a muck through her system.

"It was..."she looked for the right words "a long story" she broke off not having the strength to deal with this yet. Even though she knew she would have to imminently, even if very soon she would no longer be able to avoid, she knew she would at least be able to keep doing so in the presence of her commanding officer whether or not he was her friend.

"Its not...its not just Derek" she admitted, her superior once again noting the use of his first name, "there's Richard Webber too..."

She trailed off. She wasn't completely lying she thought. to say that she wasn't anxious at the thought of working with her mother's ex-lover again would definitely be a lie, especially considering their last encounter, but she knew deep down her issues with Derek were far more paralysing.

Her problems with her mother had lasted all her life and to some extent, she had come to terms with the messiness of it all. Derek on the other hand, she hadn't been able to deal with in the least, and if she was honest with herself, he had been a much bigger part of her life in their few months together than her mother or Richard had ever been.

Michael didn't pry, she was a private person with a lot of wounds to heal, that much was evident, whether physical or not he thought, rubbing gently over where he knew white bandages covered the still healing trauma she had survived. Those wounds were apparent, discernable with the naked eye, but he knew of others further down, that Meredith hid inside, behind those famous impenetrable walls that it had taken him years to chip through. He looked at her carefully.

"As your friend Mer," he said, suddenly using her more personal nickname he knew her Seattle family called her by," take care of yourself, and you'll be fine." He chuckled. "As your officer, I'm not leaving you a choice."

Meredith smiled at his playful smirk.

"Do that, and I'm sure you'll knock'em dead. That's an order lieutenant" and with that he stood up, saluting her.

"Yes Colonel"

Still smiling, Meredith reciprocated the gesture, lifting her hand to her head to answer him before gathering her bag on her back and heading towards the glass doors of the hospital for the first time in over half a decade.


	6. Ch 6 Facing the Past

H 6 Facing the Past

Meredith heard the whispers as she passed, no doubt the rumour of her arrival had preceded her, but as she was not starting until the following morning, she didn't bother to stop and socialise. Yet, she pondered,going through the familiar halls in which she had basically grown up, many people wouldn't have been here when she left, and others probably wouldn't recognise her in her uniform, or her striking tan and lighter hair colour she had due to the influence of the heavy Middle Eastern sun.

Undoubtedly the rumours were more due to her uniform in and of itself; as well as her destination of the chief's office, which had the hospital gossip once again thriving on the arrival of the new military transfer in neuro and trauma surgery, that had had Derek Shepherd irritated for the last two weeks.

The head of neurology was actually absent at that time, having extended his trip; returning to LA with his ex-wife to visit his youngest sister Amy following the funeral in Connecticut. But those details, none but Derek, Mark and the chief were privy to, and as far as the gossip line was concerned, Dr. Shepherd was just avoiding the arrival of his newest colleague.

In actual fact, Derek had long hesitated before extending his leave, much loathe to let 'GI Jane' -as Mark and he had settled on calling her- sink her claws into his department, and even the ER(though it was not strictly speaking his) before he gave her a thorough evaluation. But ultimately he had settled on dealing with THAT when he came home, leaving Mark with the task of keeping him up to date on anything particularly newsworthy that the new transfer should do in his absence.

Dr. Lieutenant Meredith Grey, however, forcing herself to gain composure and take a professional attitude before she knocked on Richard Webber's door, was completely unaware of any of this, focusing rather on the matter at hand. She would have time for other problems and dealing with hospital gossip and peer prejudices later: first she had to face the chief.

Walking through the halls she had looked around, every corner tugging at her memory, wondering if she would run into any of her friends...but that had seemed unlikely. Christina had mentioned the night before on the phone that they all had the night shifts and would probably be hibernating in on call rooms or at home when she arrived and almost certainly wouldn't see her until that evening when they had all agreed to meet at Joe's.

As she finally knocked on the door, the nervous feeling reared up again, and she had to remind herself she was a professional. She just hoped she wouldn't be as ridiculous as during her last meeting with Richard Webber.

**FLASHBACK**

_"Dr Grey, come in. I was surprised at your request for a meeting."_

"_Yes, I,...I'm formally requesting a transfer sir" her voice shook, the week had been tough, but she had to keep it together, at least for a little while longer. _

_Richard Webber looked at her in a daze. "Transfer? You can't leave. Meredith (he switched to her first name) as your teacher and boss I can't feasibly let you; exiting the programme now would most certainly lose you a chance of residency altogether, and as your..."_

_But Meredith interrupted, her voice even more cracked "I've already been accepted somewhere else sir, I..._

"_What? Where? It's not possible unless you were looking to leave since ..."_

"_Sir, This was a programme I applied for while still in med school, they've taken eight months to reply, I got the offer last month and I was going to turn it down..."She trailed off, she had wanted to stay, because she had started to make a life for herself, and because of her mother, but right now this was the perfect opportunity, because all she wanted to do was escape her life. _

_Richard looked at her carefully "He hadn't told you had he?" _

_But Meredith avoided the question, and his eyes._

"_What about your mother? What does she say about this?"_

_Meredith suddenly glared at her boss. "With all due respect sir, you have nothing to say to me about my mother."_

_Richard seemed shocked at her reply, but one cross of their looks told him she..._

"_You know?"_

"_I doubt I know everything sir, but I certainly know enough" she bit back harshly._

_The discovery of her mother's affair, especially considering the crap her love life was going through at the moment, had been the final straw. She couldn't stay here. And suddenly she couldn't stop herself. _

_All the anger, all the frustration she had felt over the last two weeks, discovering Derek was married, dumping him, realising that despite her best intentions to hate him she had fallen in love with him, begging her to chose him, his staying with his wife, the revelation that her mother had also been left for a wife and that it had been one of the many factors breaking up her childhood...all rose in her and surged against Richard Webber. _

"_It was you. You're the reason he left. And she really loved you. It wasn't just some cheap thing where you didn't tell each other you were married. She left him for you, but you still left her. It was you." Meredith pondered bitterly that at least in this case, there were no unfortunate children caught in the mess of events that had occurred. Any child's pain, she thought bitterly, had at least been avoided,...THIS time. Her glare persisted. _

"_I came to hand in my resignation sir," she said as composedly as she could, which to be fair wasn't composed at all, as she furiously attempted to dry her still silently streaming eyes.__  
__Richard sighed, picking up on her change of subject, and letting the matter drop. Meredith was thankful for that; she did not want to accidentally inform him of her mother's current residency at the nursing home. _

"_Where's your transfer?" He humoured her by returning to the previous subject of discussion._

"_US Army accelerated medical programme, surgery division."_

"_What?" Richard was appalled. Ellis Grey's little girl in the army? No. "You can't join the army, its crazy..."_

_Meredith sucked in a deep breath, tears welling at her eyes, "Believe me sir, when I first applied, it was more the accelerated residency that appealed to me, full medical qualifications in four years instead of seven, but right now...the truth is I need this sir." _

_Richard Webber considered the person that was the closest thing he had to a daughter carefully, and sighed. "You are sure about this? Because it's not a decision you can take lightly..."_

"_I'm sure sir, a bit nervous I might admit, but I need this"_

_Richard smiled slightly "You're just as stubborn as your mother", he paused, the echo of their recent argument still faint in their ears, before he recovered from the awkward pause "...cant imagine what it going to be like getting you to follow orders." _

_And with that Meredith had forced on a slight smile, and signed off her transfer to the army.___

**END OF FLASHBACK**

As Richard Webber called for Meredith Grey to come into his office, his heart did a jump. He had always been fond of Meredith in all the time he had known her, and even when having an affair with Ellis they had disagreed on how the little girl was treated.

But Richard knew he had never really stood up for that little girl. If he was honest with himself, no one had. Not him, not her mother, and certainly not Thatcher. And yet here she was a grown woman, a doubly certified attending after not even six years, and an officer in the US army to boot. He still remembered his apprehension when she had signed her transfer, that she would be leaving for the front, but he had realised; she was really just as strong and stubborn as her mother, and she could take it.

"Lieutenant Grey" He greeted formally.

Meredith smiled nervously, trying to erase the memories of her yelling match with him during their last encounter.

"Dr. is fine Chief."

Richard smiled. "It'll always be one or the other here, Meredith, but you know as well as I do, if not better that military rank pulls over doctorate in people's minds these days, especially in the middle of a war.

She smiled "And yet my ID sais Dr. Lieutenant, and not the other way around" He smiled good naturedly as she continued "and I think for the duration of my leave the "Dr" part of my title will probably dominate."

"Well, I'm happy you're with us in the mean time. I take it Colonel Rivers updated you on how your leave would go?"

Meredith sighed. "Yes, we covered just about everything; ER, office, neuro...",her voice broke ever so slightly.

"Dr Grey" assured Richard, "I can assure you Dr. Shepherd won't be a problem."

Meredith regained her composure almost immediately, not wanting to let her superior have any indication that she was affected in any way by the mention of Derek Shepherd, however dreamy he probably still was. "Does he know?" she asked almost indifferently, so that Richard was unable to discern any particular reaction to information about her ex.

"That you're coming? Yes, though I believe I may have forgotten to mention certain details".

Meredith looked at him, confused. He clarified. "He knows we're receiving an army transfer, but I may have forgotten to mention the rest. Such as the identity of the transferring doctor in question."

Meredith scoffed jokingly, imagining Derek's reaction in her mind's eye. She knew she definitely would not have taken it well if he had appeared at her base camp near Baghdad unannounced but decided not to say anything.

"No sir, I meant I, I just wanted to know to what extent the staff have been informed of the terms of my leave,"

Richard glanced quickly at her lower abdomen, which he knew was still healing from multiple GSW's. He frowned. "I understand you want to keep the staff out of this, Dr. Grey and apart from Dr. Bailey and myself who will be overseeing your regular exams to follow your recovery's progression, no one has been briefed" he paused "but I had to inform Dr. Shepherd, as your boss, that your shifts were to be reduced if you were too strained, so it was inevitable he knew something of your recovery." Meredith stiffened.

"I don't want anyone to know" cut in Meredith, "I mean; my friends know and you and Bailey but no one else; especially him."

Richard nodded understandingly "Be that as it may Dr. Grey, I'm on strict orders from the army to make sure you take it easy. I know you're fit to work, but you are still healing, and we want you to stay that way, okay? No crazy army stunts Meredith, this is a leave"

Meredith scowled, suddenly on the defensive. Michael had obviously warned Richard about her attitude to her imposed recovery. "I didn't ask for this leave!"

"But you need it Dr. Grey. And I'm not above putting you on scut for a month if you don't abide by it, whatever doctor, attending, double certified surgeon and ranked military officer you happen to be. "


	7. Ch 7 Rookin' Hot Babe

CH 7 Rookin' hot babe

As Mark Sloan came up the cat walk, he ran headfirst into a fast walking camouflage suit. The person he had bumped into in question fell backwards dangerously, but before he could offer a hand; she had expertly rolled herself over in a rapid fluid motion, right back onto her feet.

"Wow!"

"Are you alright?" asked Meredith, checking to see if the doctor she had knocked over had anything.

"I'm alright now' he smirked, gazing down at her slender form as he stood up. Man she was hot. And the uniform? Definite turn on.

Meredith seemed completely nonplussed by the evident top to bottom look over the doctor in front of her was giving her, but was slightly exasperated at his lingering longer on her chest and ass than on her face. She decided to ignore it. "I'm really sorry, Dr...?"

"Sloan. Mark Sloan. Head of plastic surgery" he said with a wide smile, clearly expecting to impress her.

Great thought Meredith, another surgeon too cocky for his own good. She fought back her urge to groan.

"Need help getting somewhere?" he asked "I could always help you ….get around..."

Meredith lifted her eyebrow at his very crude and slightly sickening attempts to not so subtly hit on her. Was this guy for real? "No thanks, I'll be fine, but thank you" she answered bluntly, before heading off without so much as another look in his direction.

"But you might get lost" he persisted catching up to her and placing himself in front of her, blocking her way.

" That won't be an issue." she said curtly, continuing to ignore his flirtatious attitude. She was sure it probably worked on a lot of women,...just definitely not on her. "I know this place blindfold," she explained honestly "practically grew up here."

Mark looked at her sternly; suddenly serious "Are you sick? Do you need anything..."

Meredith laughed, "God no, new job. Well, old job but still, starting a new job." she hesitated, "Kind of. I mean, it's not really like I'm out of my last job..."

"Woah there! said Mark "what was that?"

Meredith stopped suddenly and blushed. "Sorry I...I ramble. It's the one thing they don't manage to get rid of in the army."

"I can see that." chuckled Mark, "but don't let it make you blush. I think it's charming. You want to get a drink with me? You can ramble some more."

_I think it's charming._

Something about the words screamed déjà vu in Meredith's brain, and she shook her head. Yeah, this guy WAS charming, albeit extremely tacky in his pickup lines, but as of tomorrow, he'd be her colleague, and she knew from experience romantic attachments and work didn't mix well.  
Meredith sighed, deciding to go for the direct approach.

"Look, I'm sure you're a really great guy, ...I mean you're a doctor so your obviously smart, and you seem nice enough despite you're really crappy pickup lines" she saw his eyebrow raise in interest at her last remark, looking at her suddenly like a challenge. She was obviously going to have to spell it out for him.

"But that's just it, you're a doctor here, meaning that as of tomorrow, we're colleagues, and you're hitting on me...not very subtly I might add"

Mark pulled back a bit still smiling "Subtlety's never been my strong suit."

Meredith laughed. "Yes I can see that."

Mark looked at her questioningly.

"The soft seductive smile, the cheesy words, the blatant flattery,...the equally blatant staring at my chest..." Mark looked up at her face after that, reddening slightly "doesn't really scream 'subtle approach' . No offence."

"And is it working?" he asked smoothly "this not so subtle approach of mine?".

Meredith sighed "No I'm sorry. Like I said, I'm sure you're a nice guy, but really, not my type, and...I don't date co-workers."

"Yeah about that" he asked curiously "you mentioned that before. New job and all. You're going to work here?"

Meredith chuckled "that is generally what is meant by the terms 'new job', 'colleague' and 'co-worker'. Though strictly speaking I only start tomorrow and we're not going to be in the same departments, but I 'm going to have the run of the ER, so my guess is we'll still probably see a lot of each other..."

He cut her off, recognition dawning on his face, taking in her military uniform once again. "Wait. YOU're the army transfer?"

Meredith smiled "I see my reputation precedes me." She caught the surprised reaction in Mark's air, as well as his second top to bottom look over of her, as if he was sizing her up, this time not with an estimation of how good of a lay she could be, but rather her professional capacity.

"What?" she asked

"Nothing. Just...you're not really what I was expecting."

"What does that mean?"

"Aren't you a bit young to be a second year attending? A double-certified militarily ranked..."he glanced at the single silver band clipped on to her breast pocket specific to her rank "lieutenant no less?" he enquired.

Meredith's amused smile widened. "Well I see this hospital's still good at spreading gossip. And yes I suppose you could say I am young, but I did my residency in the surgery division of the accelerated medical programme of the US army" she explained. He whistled, clearly impressed, or perhaps humouring her, still intent on getting that date, she mused.

Suddenly he laughed.

"What is it?"

"Nothing, just this has been driving Der up the wall, but this'll probably push him over the brink."

Meredith's skin tingled slightly at the mention of "Der". Only one person in her life had had a name that warranted that nickname. She tried to play it off casually "Der? I'm assuming that's Dr. Derek Shepherd, the head of neuro? Why would this be driving him up the wall? Has he said something?"

Meredith's countenance remained the same, yet she felt her pulse increase slightly. Richard had told her Derek was unaware of HER particular return, so why would...

"Yeah he's been worried about how this is just a transfer of some no talent screw up from the army to cover up their tracks by getting rid of a doctor with no experience and dumping her on us..." he caught himself as Meredith's good-natured smile (and the confusion she had been inwardly feeling) turned to evident red faced outrage, countenance be damned.

"Oh really? Is that so? What, is Dr. Shepherd afraid of a little competition? Afraid he won't be able to take the heat and I'll give him a run for his money?" she fumed. "I'll have you know, Dr. Sloan, and you can inform you friend DER",she repeted the nickname mockingly "that I am not a screw up, and he would do well not to judge before knowing what the hell he's talking about."

And with that she stalked off, still ranting against him, without letting Mark put in a single word, consumed by her five year old grievances against Derek as well, though Dr. Sloan knew nothing of those. "I can not believe him! Of all the insufferable arrogant...Argh!"

Mark looked after the quickly disappearing figure, swearing at himself for his lack of tact. Crap. Derek was gonna kill him.

Then with an afterthought he realised he hadn't even got her name. He sighed out loud "so I guess it was a no for drinks then?"


	8. Ch 8 Drag the Body across the living roo

CH 8 Drag the body across the living room floor

Meredith entered her house for the first time in over five years still fuming from her encounter with Dr. Sloan at the hospital. Richard had been fine, she supposed, and definitely better than she had expected.

But Sloan?

First, there had been the flirting. That in and of itself had been annoying, but she had put up with it. Ever since her fiasco with Derek, unwanted flirting always left Meredith feeling awkward, especially from co-workers. Or future co-workers. Still, if it had only been that, she could have handled it.

But then Derek had been brought up, and that made things ten times worse. Especially with the flirting. And because Sloan obviously knew Derek. Well. Why else would he call him Der? They were clearly friends. And then there was the fact that Derek had apparently slandered her and her skill, without even meeting her. That insufferable…. allowing himself to jump to preconceived conclusions! What gave him the right?

"Jackass!"She grumbled loudly.

"Mer?"

She stopped and looked up. Peeking out of the kitchen with a tired and surprised look on her face, a steaming cup of coffee in hand stood her best friend: Christina yang. Her person's messy black curls, particularly tangled and sticking out in various directions seemed to indicate that she had only recently gotten up, her obvious surprise at seeing Meredith before her only increasing her dazed half-awake look.

"Hey Chris" she greeted cheerfully, and all thoughts of Richard, Sloan and Derek vanished from her mind, her expression broking out into one stupid toothy grin, complete with her distinct giggle in reaction to her person's appearance.

"Where are all the others?" she asked before Christina could cut in.

"Hospital."

Meredith frowned "I didn't see them"

Christina's look of surprise increased "You were at the hospital?"

"Yeah meeting with the chief. My shift starts at ten tomorrow, but I'll probably go in early with you guys to get my things organised with H.R."

Christina nodded. Her friends had already informed Meredith that as fellows they would generally aim for seven o'clock shift starts at the latest.

"Oh and I met Sloan" Meredith grumbled, some of her bad mood returning.

Christina snorted. "Huh. How'd that go?"

Apparently Dr. Sloan had quite a reputation. Not that Meredith was surprised. Meredith huffed but didn't say anything. And then, suddenly, her exasperated expression at the memory of Sloan turned into an intense frown, as if something was bothering her, which did not go unnoticed by Christina.

"What?"

Meredith turned to her person "It's just...what's the general news been on my return?"

Christina answered slowly, slightly confused as to where this was going "In what sense?"

"I mean what have people been saying?"

"Not much." answered Christina honestly "just a few wondering who the new hot-shot trauma and neuro god is, and some speculation on the fact you're a milit transfer, but that's about it. No one knows its YOU, if that's what you mean. Why?"

"Nothing" but from the look that passed between them, Christina knew it was something to do with Derek. She sighed, rolling her eyes in the way she always had when Meredith engaged in what she called 'mcdreamydrama'.

"What'd Mcdreamy do now?"

"No." said Meredith bluntly, taking Christina by surprise. "This isn't a personal, screwed up 'he has a wife relationship Mcdreamy' thing, this is a professional 'Dr. Shepherd, the Head of neuro, and my new boss, is an egotistical insufferable jackass' thing."

Christina snorted. "So what'd he do?"

"Apparently he's expecting an inexperienced army screw up that the military are dumping at Grace to avoid having to deal with."

Christina scoffed "Ass."

"Right?" groaned Meredith loudly. "He is an ass. As if it wasn't bad enough having to deal with his pathetic, lying, adulterous..." she caught Christina's pointed look.

"What?" Christina lifted her eyebrow at her, and when she still didn't answer, her person sighed "Look Mer, you know I'm crap with the touchy feely things. Okay? But we both know why you left. And now, you're back. So….Are you Okay?"

Meredith replied firmly "I'm fine."

Christina snorted. "Don't give me that bull mer, you left five years ago to never come back, and got your sorry ass sent here on leave for getting shot."

Obviously this wasn't only about Derek. This was also about the attack. Meredith looked at her person pleadingly. But Christina wasn't backing down, she wanted an answer. So she let go. There was no point lying or hiding. Like Mike, Christina always saw through her.

"I didn't have a choice in this Chris. I didn't want to come back. But if I'm gonna be back, I have to be fine. So please, just let me? Let me be fine. Please."

Christina looked into her best friends eyes and nodded. "But you're not really, are you Mer?"

Meredith didn't say anything, but there was an unspoken understanding between them that enabled Christina to comprehend her friend's silent answer. She wasn't fine, and she probably wouldn't be, but she'd manage, as she always did. She had to.

"So how come your here so early?" she changed the subject abruptly, knowing the subject of Derek Shepherd or the attack would go no further for the time being. So Christina dropped it. For now.

"Mike had to be in Montreal tonight, and he offered to see me off. Her person gave Meredith an amused smirk.

"Still sure he's not interested?" she asked for the thousandth time. Ever since Meredith had first mentioned her commanding officer, her person had found their very close platonic relationship strange, despite Meredith's assurances that they were just friends.

"EW! " Meredith made a disgusted face. "Chris for the millionth time: He's Gay. Plus he's like my older brother...It'd be like..." she searched desperately for a comparison "...it'd be like you and I shacking up."

Christina grinned looking Meredith up and down "I'd do you."

"Christina, "giggled Meredith "shut up!". And then, wanting to dodge the ever painful subject of her love life, Meredith drifted the subject back to territory she knew was always with Christina: cutting.

"So, any cool surgeries lined up?" she enquired, partly to change the subject, partly genuinely interested.

"Bowel resection with Bailey, but unfortunately nothing in cardio. One would expect being a fellow would allow you to stay on your specialty" she grumbled. Meredith laughed.

"I'm sure you get all the training you need in cardio, especially from what I heard of Altman's apparent crush on you."

Christina scoffed "she just knows I'm the best, that's all."

"Be that as it may, you know residents are also training their interns, and so have to keep a minimum of general training to get them properly prepared for the intern exam." reminded Meredith.

Christina grumbled again "Bunch of useless idiots! I swear Mer; we were NOT that clueless!" She growled at the redoubling of Meredith's giggling "It's all right for you, you're already an attending. Accelerated Surgical Programme Ha! I should have applied for that. Bet YOU don't have any clueless idiots to deal with!"

"Christina, honestly, when there's a war going on, we're all clueless idiots. As for interns, of course we have some, how d'you think I got in otherwise? The internship's just integrated in the basic military training programme. And you only have six months before the intern exam. As for the fact I'm already an attending, there are negative sides too you know, you've probably had a more thorough general training than I have."

"I doubt that Mer, what with you having to stitch up every kind of injury imaginable at any minute of the day, with the added stress of the war effort, I'd say that was as thorough as you can get" she argued "and anyone could tell you trauma's the badass version of general."

Meredith smiled at her best friends antics "I guess you could say that, though mom would probably disapprove and say I was being scrappy"

Christina's smile diminished. "How is she Chris?"

Meredith had told her friends about her mother's Alzheimer's before leaving, and entrusted Christina with her care, as the one person she had trusted enough to confide in before had stomped on her heart and crushed it when she had discovered his own secret.

"She's in on that trial."

"The one Shepherd got her into?" the atmosphere in the room noticeably tensed at the mention of his name.

"Yeah." Christina changed the direction of the conversation again. "Otherwise everything's the same as ever: Barbie still going crazy, Bambi giving us way too many details of married sexlife, and Evil Spawn competing with Sloan on who can screw the most nurses...that is until Karev admits to himself that he's in love with Fields"

"Now there's good reason to be here if there's any: Alex Karev falling for an actual person, this I've got to witness" she laughed Meredith lightly but stopped when she realised Christina wasn't joining in.

"Chris?"

As she turned to her she was surprised to see tears welling in Christina's eyes, and her person was glaring at her.

"What?"

"What? Are you kidding me Mer? You need a good reason to be here you say? Wanting to avoid McAss issues, I get. Mcmommy issues, I get. I even get the Webber thing"

She paused to take a breath. Meredith had told Christina of her mother's affair when Christina had first suggested Meredith's father might be a better candidate for taking care of her. Meredith sighed, taken aback by Christina's sudden explosion. She had a bad feeling she knew where this was going.

"I mean seriously Mer! Do you have any Idea?" the usually stoic Christina Yang was glaring at her furiously, her breathing erratic and gesturing violently.

"I'm alright Chris. Really, I'm fine"  
But apparently, that was the worst thing she possibly could have said.

"Fine! Fine! You are SO NOT fine! And you have the NERVE to say you shouldn't be here? You were SHOT Meredith, SHOT! As in six bullets in three places on your abdomen. I don't even know how the hell you're allowed to operate and you want to go BACK?"

"Chris I..."

"No Mer. No. You could have died." Meredith was shocked.

Christina was her person, and they had always gotten each other; she had always understood when other people would read Christina's attitude as cold or unfeeling, she wasn't built that way. Christina Yang wasn't usually the type to show blatant emotion.

"But I didn't Chris. I'm here", Meredith reassured softly. "I know it can't have been easy..."

"Not easy? Mer, are you listening to yourself? I just…. where would that leave us Mer?", her voice started to crack, "where would that leave me? You can't leave us. You can't. You already did once and..."

Meredith grabbed her friend and pulled her into a hug, carefully avoiding the still sore bandaged location on her abdomen.

"I didn't leave YOU, Chris, not really. I could never, you know that." Christina sniffed. "You're my person", Meredith continued firmly "you're my person, and all of you are my family. You're the person I'd call to drag the body across the living room floor if ever I murdered someone. You're my family, Chris, more than anyone else ever was, all of you, and I would never leave you".

Christina gathered her senses and pulled back, herself again, shame at her sudden lack of control over her emotions starting to kick in.

"Good. Because otherwise I'd kick your ass, army officer or not"

Meredith giggled. She then said a bit more seriously "Chris, I know I have to recover, but I'll have to go back eventually, you know that right?"

"Yeah" sighed her friend sadly, "I know", before adding in a tone clearly disgusted with herself "Ughh! What has happened to me? Barbie's turned me into a touchy feely mess!"

She glared at Meredith "see THIS is what happens when you leave! This is all your fault."


	9. Ch 9 Late, Late, Late

CH 9 Late, Late, Late

She was going to be late. She was never late. Well O.K. that wasn't exactly true. Her first shift as an intern she had been late. And multiple times after that. But ever since joining the army, Meredith Grey was punctual. Except today she was late. She wasn't exactly late YET, but knew there was no way she would be at the hospital, change into scrubs get her new lab coat and ID from H.R. and be ready by ten o'clock. It was nine thirty right now and it took about twenty minutes to get to the hospital from her house.

She hated being late, especially since she had also been late on her initial first day as an intern. And now she was an attending. She wasn't supposed to be late. Cursing for the eighth time her change of plans that had caused her not to leave with her person that morning, she grabbed her army scrubs out of her still unpacked suitcase, feeling that these would have to do at the moment, it would save her some time once at the hospital.

She had not left as early as planned because her commanding officer, or more precisely her commanding officer's commanding officer, had requested a direct call with her on Skype, to once again ascertain her strict orders to recuperate and bow down to civilian authority within the hospital throughout the duration of her leave.

This had served not only to thoroughly annoy Meredith ruining her plans for the morning, but had also frustrated her again on the subject of her leave. Did everyone, the army, Richard Webber, and Derek shepherd, really think she was this dense? Still grumbling, Meredith slipped on her army scrubs, which were fortunately were the same dark blue as Seattle grace Mercy west's and hoped that her silver threaded Lieutenant Insignia on her front left pocket wouldn't attract too much attention. After a moment's thought, she decided on donning her military lab coat as well, to be sure to be identifiable in the hospital even if by mischance she happened to be pulled into something before getting her ID badge from H.R. You never knew what could happen, that was one thing the army taught you damn quickly.

Meredith huffed to herself.

Deep down she knew she was nervous. She had been saved the better part of her nerves by Christina's mentioning, the previous day, that Derek was out of town, at least until the following night. She knew she would have to face him eventually, but was currently relishing in that 'eventually' not turning into an 'actually' any time soon.

She hadn't seen him or contacted him in any way in five years, and now she was his equal. Or not quite, as he was head of Neuro, but she supposed as the only specialising trauma surgeon currently on staff, you could say they were both department heads. Which had her head spinning slightly, but that wasn't the issue here, because she wouldn't have to deal with Derek Shepherd for at least another two days. And yet she was nervous.

Why? perhaps because when she had last been here, she had been the centre of the grapevine, THE gossip victim intern, trying to struggle through the messy collision of her professional and personal lives, in a huge gnarled mess of human trauma and wreckage people had slowed down to gawk at. She had been the pathetic love struck intern. And while she wouldn't have to deal with Derek for another two days, she would have to deal with the rest of the hospital. And while being the centre of gossip for being an army transfer wasn't quite the same, Meredith didn't want people to hear about her attack, and she didn't want the hospital to gawk at her life any more; because as different as this was, it felt very much the same. And as much as she didn't want to admit it, to anyone or even herself, Meredith Grey was afraid that even after all this time, one step back into the past, one look at him and she would be back to being the pathetic love struck intern.

It didn't matter that he wouldn't be there today. Or the next day. He would be there at some point, that was all that mattered. And she shouldn't care; she really shouldn't. She didn't want to care. Except she did. And not having seen him for five years didn't make things better. In fact in many ways, it made things much, much worse.

"You can close up Dr. Addy" Meredith instructed the fourth year resident that had been assisting her, still feeling strange at the fact she was giving orders to doctors who only had two years less experience than her.

Her first surgery back had gone smoothly, and for that she was glad. Her abdominal muscles had pulled slightly and she had requested a break after the first five hours, but managed to pull it off without making herself look weak. She had even received an approving nod from her former resident, Dr. Bailey, that had apparently been surveying her from the gallery. As she looked at the gallery now, Meredith felt her heart warm at the sight of Alex Karev and George O'Malley smiling down at her along with Bailey. They had been sat a few chairs behind the huddled group of gawping interns and residents which had been staring at her in awe for the last few hours.

Meredith had to admit this level of attention so soon after her return was unnerving, first because their was no time for it in the army (you did your best to save people because everyone was dying, not to get a pat on the back from fellow doctors) and also because all the attention she had gotten in the past had been concerned looks on whether or not she'd break and how her personal life was going.

Scrubbed out and drying her hands with a towel, Meredith started to head for the door when it flew open, and her friends stood before her beaming.

"Mer!" called George excitedly, jumping to give her a hug, while Alex rolled his eyes. But Meredith could tell that he too, was happy to see her. "Hey, Grey." he greeted nonchalantly "Cool surgery. You're definitely gonna give your mother a run for her money" Meredith smiled at his comment. All her friends knew her discomfort at being constantly compared with her mother; it had been something else she had been glad to escape when joining the army.

"Where are the others?" she asked. Upon arriving at the hospital, she had briefly run into Christina, who had informed her the others were still recovering from their night shifts in the on call rooms.

"Izzie's finishing her charts in the conference room, I think" said George, "and Christina probably managed to steal a surgery from an unsuspecting resident."

Meredith laughed, before they were interrupted by a stern reprimanding voice. "What do you fools think you're doing? This is a hospital, you're doctors, don't you have work to do?"

The three friends turned to face their old resident, who was glaring angrily at them, but Meredith could detect the gleam of amusement in her eye. While Alex and George stopped in their tracks, Meredith didn't let herself be deterred by her colleague's countenance.

"I apologise Dr. Bailey. I'm afraid I'm responsible for detaining them. Just catching up with old friends. As their attending, I should have known better. It won't happen again." she smiled, stressing the word attending, while bailey gave her a scowl "I should have realised they probably had work to do." she turned to George, who she knew was hesitating between general and neuro, as he had yet to start his fellowship, having repeated his first year.

"Dr. O'Malley, if you're interested in a tumour resection this afternoon, you can scrub in. I'm on Neuro until dr. shepherd returns."

As her two friends hurried off Bailey commented "You felt really clever there didn't you Dr. Grey?"  
Meredith smiled widely "Yes, Dr. Bailey, I must admit, I did." Bailey shook her head "you've gotten too cocky for or own damn good grey. I liked you better as a suck-up."

Meredith laughed "attending curse, Miranda I'm afraid." she said, confident enough to address the other woman by her first name, "but I'll try to keep myself in check, if only for you"

Bailey smiled slightly. "I must admit it's good to have you back Meredith. And I was rather impressed with you surgery, if I do say so myself. I think Karev may just be right."

Meredith blushed slightly. Even a small remark from her initial mentor was worth the most flattering of praises. "Thanks".

But Bailey's expression changed once again to a scowl "though I have an old bone to pick with you Grey." she growled.

Meredith looked puzzled. "Or should I say, Lieutenant?"

Uh Oh. Meredith had suspected this was coming, but not...

"Can you tell me what possessed you to think it would be a good idea to join the army?" Bailey demanded. "Did you have a death wish, is that it? Of all the..."

Meredith cut her reluctantly and took on a more serious tone. "Dr. Bailey, I understand my departure wasn't the smoothest" Bailey snorted "and I should have informed you of it myself. It was ungrateful and disrespectful and I sincerely apologise" Bailey actually looked somewhat touched by her words, if still somewhat annoyed. "But I can assure you that my decision was in no way a mistake, and I stand beside it."

Bailey raised her eyebrow at Meredith .  
"Even if it nearly got your sorry ass killed?" Meredith smiled softly "I know the war is a touchy subject Dr. Bailey, that many feel that so many lives are being wasted for nothing. But that's why I have to be there. I took an oath. WE took an oath as doctors to save lives. So what better way to do that than enlist?" she hesitated "And as it enabled me to get myself back together in the mean time, I wasn't going to say no."

Bailey huffed slightly but nodded. "I admire you Grey. For what its worth. Even if in my opinion you're still a damn fool..."Meredith laughed. "But on that subject, when's your first scan scheduled?" Meredith groaned

"Meredith," Bailey admonished sternly. "As a doctor, and as an officer I understand this must be frustrating for you, but you did get shot, you did lose a lot of blood and you do need to recover. How was the surgery? I noticed you took a break." Meredith took a defensive air "I took a break because my muscles were pulling slightly, but it's all I needed. I am a doctor; I do know how to take care of myself."

"It wasn't an attack Grey, just an enquiry as your doctor." Meredith sighed "I understand Dr. Bailey, and I will be careful, believe me; I want to get through this recovery as much as you do. But I need to stop feeling like everyone around me is babying me. As for my scans, I scheduled one for the end of the week, though Dr. Webber thought it might be judicious for you to give me a check-up today, before my afternoon surgery. I was actually going to look for you when I ran into George and Alex".

"How many surgeries are you doing a day?" asked Bailey, slightly worried, and ever the doctor, as they entered an exam room and she pulled the shades.

"My shifts are restricted to twenty-four hours maximum for the time being, as well as hundred hour weeks. Dr. Webber also discouraged me from having more than fifteen cumulative hours of surgery without at least two hours of rest." she groaned "I feel like an intern."

Bailey smiled sympathetically while pulling up Meredith's top slowly, uncovering the bandages which she then started to pull at. "Doctors do make the worst patients." she remarked.

But her next words stayed caught in her throat as she beheld her former intern's previously unblemished skin. Six small white scars of entry wounds lay scattered in three distinct places on her left side, their paleness having all but disappeared among the skin. But they were clearly there, the skin still raw; and one ten inch line of sutures from her surgery proving that the incident had not gone without consequence. Bailey changed the bandage, noticing the slight wince in Meredith as her gloved hand came in contact with her wound, but other than that, nothing note worthy.

"I still have to avoid putting too much weight on my left side" explained Meredith" and some movements still cause pain, but all in all I'm fine."

"Any fatigue?"

Meredith caught her doctor's gaze before answering honestly, "If I strain too much I feel light headed and the pain doubles up."

"Scale of one to ten?"

"Five maybe six. Up to seven on a bad day, down to two on a good one."

Bailey nodded; again covering Meredith back up.

"All in all that's better than I expected Meredith, but it just confirms your need for recovery in my opinion. You're resilient, but this is a lot to go through. And I'd like to increase your scans to one every two weeks instead of one per month."

Meredith nodded, resigned, knowing she didn't really have a choice in the matter.


	10. Ch 10 Too late to apologize

CH 10 too late to apologise

Meredith giggled at the scowl Alex was directing her, Izzie and Christina.

They were having lunch in the cafeteria, all of them together for the first time since Mer coming back the day before. Meredith's first two shifts had gone reasonably well, and despite Richard's insistence that she keep it easy, she had managed to scrub in on some interesting surgeries, particularly in neuro, due to Derek's absence.

She had also managed, however, to successfully lead a difficult trauma operation with Bailey, caused by a teenage boy being impaled by a tree, much to the surprise and admiration of her colleagues. Many attendings, like Derek Shepherd, had voiced mild concerns of this sudden transfer from the army so hastily being flown in without much explanation, but all the sceptics had been forced to realise their fears had been far from founded.

Dr. Lieutenant Grey, as well as being an amazing teacher and having an indisputable aura of authority that no doubt derived from her position in the army, was also incredibly fair, and an unquestionably gifted surgeon. Many of those having watched her operate were in awe of her technique, some going as far as to suggest she could give Derek shepherd a run for his money. Meredith smirked at the rumours, partly due to her annoyance at Derek's comments, but also because, as much as she was loathe to admit it, in the basis of her training in neuro, and surgery in general, he had very much been her first real mentor.

More than their personal attachment, she had been aware of how well Derek and her had functioned in the OR, and that, she recalled, had only been with her assisting. It had been a connection she had missed in Iraq, and, to her consternation, had often found herself longing to find again. When further news spread of her 'lineage', speculation spread that she would no doubt join her mother in medical history, and that she had definitely inherited her talent.

But at the moment; Meredith was ignoring the stares and whispers of curiosity and admiration, and was revelling in the feeling of once more being surrounded by her family. Because in the end that's who they were. In the army, she had Michael, but he was her commanding officer, whereas the five of them had all been interns together. True, George was a year behind the rest now and she was technically the boss of all of them, but the bond remained.

The three girls were currently laughing at Alex's recounting of his morning surgery with Dr. Lucy Fields, who he was still trying to deny his feelings for, as well as a totally oblivious Sydney Herron, who had thought of no better conversation topic than Alex's love life for all of three hours, under the amused gaze of all the surgical staff.

"So then she was all, 'find love, heal with love' Dr. Karev, that's my advice to you'" he imitated her in a fake high-pitched voice.

"I think this is the first time I regret scrubbing in ever" Christina laughed "I would have loved to see your face evil spawn".

"Shut up yang!" Alex growled. "I don't remember you faring any better in peads with Mr. Bear clipped to your lab coat."

Meredith's laughter redoubled as Christina's smirk faded. She had been kept up to date with Christina's desperate attempts at getting in on surgeries during the merger.

"I actually miss Mr Bear" said Christina thoughtfully "after all he did manage to make my patient shut up in the end."

George scoffed "yeah, because you used him to terrorise her into submission with that scary Godzilla voice."

Christina shrugged her shoulders "Hey, all I can say, is Robbins said the bear was to calm the midgets down"

Izzie rolled her eyes at Christina's designation of the peads patients, "and it worked." Christina continued, ignoring as Izzie glared at her

"She meant to comfort them, not scar them for life."

Meredith shook her head at the banter between the two; it was good to be home.  
But then her reverie was interrupted by the person she least wanted to see. Or maybe second least. Derek shepherd was still high up on top of that list.  
His tone was less cocky and flirtatious than it had been at their first meeting, but the memory of their last encounter was clear enough in her mind to spurn at him, in reminding her of his behaviour and Derek's insulting remarks.

"So I see you're getting along well then?" asked Mark Sloan hesitantly, conscious of the half interested half scowling looks he was getting from his residents. But no scowl was bigger than Meredith's.

When Meredith failed to answer, he took it as positive sign, that at least she wasn't mad to the point of wanting to kill him. And maybe this could be an opportunity to renew his attempts at a date, or at least a cup of coffee, where he would be able to charm her, and perhaps fix the mess he had caused with Derek.

"So you never really answered my invitation, would you like to get a drink?" he said, sending her a seductive grin, recovering some of his flirtyness at her apparent lack of open hostility. Which was a mistake. Meredith had simply decided the safest of her options (for Sloan that is) was to ignore him. But at his renewed cockiness, Meredith lost it. Did this guy really not get a clue?

"What part, of 'not my type', 'I don't date co-workers' or 'stubborn asshole' did you not comprehend Dr. Sloan?"

The others bit back their laughter at Sloan's reddening face: he was their attending after all. But if Mer was gonna take advantage of her position to ream him down; they definitely weren't going to stop her. Mark's expression sank. So maybe he'd thought wrong with the whole 'lack of open hostility' thing.

"I thought you were referring to Derek..." the others lifted their eyebrow at the mention of her ex, but Christina signalled to them that this wasn't about their relationship.

"At the time, I was. Yet since you seem to agree with your buddy's appreciation of me as an incompetent lackey the army want to get rid of, I thought I could extend the definition to you. And don't bother apologising for him either. If his pathetic ass isn't able to face what he said, too bad for him. As for the date, I didn't think a blatant manwhore like yourself would want anyone so...what was it you said? Inexperienced...?" and with that, unable to spend another second with him, she left, walking away very much like she had the first time, leaving Sloan to face her friends.

"Dude!" cried Alex, forgoing the respect he owed an attending, "What the hell was that?" but Christina answered for him.

"Apparently he hit on Mer three seconds after they'd met, after throwing her on her ass, before informing her McAss thought she was an inexperienced dud. Understandably, that's got Mer pissed, and hating their asses." they continued to ignore a completely bewildered Mark.

George spoke up. "Wait! Shepherd trashed Mer?"

At this Mark reacted "No. No it was my fault. Derek wasn't even there. I was just..."

Alex interrupted him again.

"Oh please! Shepherd's been complaining for weeks to anyone who will listen about the transfer." he turned to George 'But no Bambi, to answer your question, I don't think he was trashing Mer, just the unknown army doc."

"Still why would he say that?" asked izzie outraged "I mean, he hasn't even seen her operate, and he's all judgy..." she shook her head in angry disbelief.

Mark looked at them pleadingly, "give him a break guys, this isn't really Derek's doing..."

"Ah but see that's where your wrong Mc S.T.D." cut in Christina "I don't think you realise to what point all of this, is your pal McAsshat's doing." and while Sloan had no way of knowing what she was referring to, the others knew it was much greater than just the insulting preconceived ideas Derek had untactfully expressed concerning his newest colleague.

The hidden marriage with his satanic whore of a wife, the choosing of said satanic whore of a wife over Mer -effectively chasing her out of the country-, and even, to an extent, her getting shot, which wouldn't have happened had Meredith never left. In their minds, all were direct consequences of Derek Shepherd's actions in one way or another.


	11. Ch 11 Complicated Mess

CH 11 Complicated Mess

"I know that face" said Derek as he joined his best friend at Joe's bar that evening.

Derek had just arrived from the airport, and had called his friend to arrange drinks at the Emerald City bar across from the hospital, where the two friends had just ordered twin drinks of their favourite poison: double scotch single malt.

On some nights, after a particularly difficult shift, Derek would order tequila, despite his profound dislike for the drink, taking down a shot in miniscule sips, to try to recreate the faintness of the taste he had been used to taste on her. The faint aftertaste of the bitter liquor on her soft lips, the feel of her tongue, the intoxicating scent of her hair...

He swore to himself. In truth he cursed the memories of her as much as he treasured them. Because really, those haunting images were all he had left of her. He knew to some extent how pathetic it was. His incapacity and even unwillingness to move on. That he had not even remotely recovered from the two month affair of over five years prior. He had tried to tell himself he was idealising the memory, that he hadn't really been that happy, and that Addison's betrayal had just left him reeling for something else, a fling. But he knew it was not the case.

While Meredith had certainly been 'something different' she was never a fling. And when Mark and he had eventually reconciled, it had lead to many nights like this one, where the two of them would go out for drinks, Mark trying to loosen his friend into getting a girl. But though Derek had shared the full detail of his past with Meredith, including their meeting, and resulting one night romp in the sheets, he had never divulged that it had actually been at Joe's bar that the whole thing had begun.

It was that fact, more than any other that stopped Derek from picking any one else from here. This would always be their place. Even in the weeks he had tried to patch things up with Addison, he had always been reluctant to come here, it hadn't felt right. But for tonight, he was content to be here with his friend, laughing at his slightly overdone attempts at getting into a girl's (or several) pants.

"It's the 'ladies beware, Mark Sloan is on the loose look'," Derek continued "do we have one specific contender in mind or is there already a lucky forerunner selected?"

He smirked; the sarcasm on the word 'lucky' so blatant that Mark groaned "Shut up Shep."

Derek laughed. "What is it Mark? Finally a chick smart enough to turn you down? I've got to see that."

Mark looked at Derek uncomfortably, "There is someone."

"And?"

"She's hot, blonde, perfect breasts, ….not to mention incredibly flexible..."

"Whoa Mark, slow down there, is this target or a ready caught fish?"

"Just bumped into her the other day and again today" Mark explained. He decided to keep the part where she hated both their guts to himself for the moment.

"Oh so she's still a chase?" asked Derek, still highly amused.

"She's also a co worker." Mark grumbled.

"What? Who?"

"Don't even know her name"

"Then how d'you know she's a co-worker?"

"Ran into her at the hospital. That Milit transfer you've been rambling about? She's one sexy chick man. The army doc's a rookin' hot babe."

Derek's expression became suddenly stern. "No."

-"What?" asked Mark surprised at the tone in his voice.

"No, Mark. I already had to take her in without selecting her; I'm not having you screwing her"

Mark nodded defeated. "You objecting would only be the least of my worries» he hesitated, not knowing how his next statement was going to fly "as well as yours" he added eventually.

Derek turned to him curiously "What does that mean?"

Mark avoided his gaze. "I'm pretty sure she hates us...well more you than me to be honest, even if I'm the one she turned down"

"What?" exclaimed Derek "Why?"

Mark continued to avoid his gaze and looked steadily at the floor "I may have accidentally let slip that you thought she was an inexperienced milit screw up the army was dumping on us to get rid of" he quickly replied, finishing his sentence with a quick gulp at his scotch, hoping Derek had somehow not registered what he said.

"WHAT?"

Maybe not. Too bad.

"Mark, are you completely stupid?" Derek growled. "I have to work with this woman, and you basically told her I thought she was useless? What did she say?"

Mark gulped. "Mark!"

"She may have mentioned, or... yelled something about you being an insufferable arrogant asshole who was afraid of a little competition and how you shouldn't judge people before you..."

"Seriously Mark? SERIOUSLY?" Derek let out an exasperated groan. "and how the hell do you know she's flexible if you haven't screwed her?" he added completely off the subject, but curious all the same.

Mark looked up to his best friend's still fuming face and replied honestly "We literally ran into each other, when she came out of Webber's office, she caught herself right up, it was like the gymnastic Olympics. It was hot man"

Derek groaned again.  
"Well you better find a way to fix this, or you're gonna need to get flexible to help you dodge the scalpel I'm seriously considering throwing at the 'oh so perfect face' you're so proud of."

* * *

Crap.

That was the predominant though in Derek's mind right now. Crap. Crap. Crap.  
Further conversation with Mark had revealed that while he himself had been unable to catch one of the newbie's surgeries, the entire hospital had been raving about her extraordinary raw talent as well as exemplary teaching skills. Which meant on top of being insulting, his demeaning comments were completely false.

Crap.

Mark had really made a mess of this hadn't he? But Derek knew he was as responsible as his best friend if not more so for the situation he was in. He had had no excuse for his preconceived ideas, he knew that.

He was pretty sure they had arisen out of his general annoyance at this doctor's transfer having been imposed on him without any consideration of what he might think. Which he had repeatedly been told, had not been her fault. And he had insulted her. Behind her back. Except with Mark's help it had turned more into a 'behind her back in front of her face' kind of thing. And from experience, Derek knew neither doctors, nor soldiers for that matter, did too well with wounded pride. Especially pertaining to their competence. And as the victim of his unfair abuse in question was both an officer and a surgeon, he estimated the damage was probably double.

Crap.

Mark had gone on to explain that she was young and "definitely not what you'd expect" which had preceded yet another speech on how hot she was; before Mark had slipped in that she had completed the accelerated Medical military programme.

His younger sister having applied a few years back before settling instead in becoming an army nurse, he knew exactly how demanding the programme in question was and consequently felt even stupider. It confirmed the fact that she was probably rather young for a second year attending and therefore probably used to comments on her age. It was common in the medical field, for younger doctors achieving rapid success, to be labelled as inexperienced and favoured by elders and friends, and he could only imagine how frustrating that could be. Crap he thought again. This probably wasn't going to go well tomorrow.

His thoughts were suddenly interrupted by the demanding tone of his favourite general surgeon. And if he was honest with himself; the one that scared him the most as well. Derek Shepherd had always been admirative and respectful of Miranda Bailey, and even when she had been a resident, he had looked up to her as a doctor and a person. And he knew that underneath her disapproving airs and scowls, Miranda bailey and he were good friends. Except when she was pissed at him. Which seemed to occur often.

"Good to see your overly moussed haircut is finally returning among us." she greeted sarcastically.

Derek laughed. "Good evening to you too, Miranda."

"Shut up McDreamy."

Derek looked at her inquiringly. Apparently, RIGHT NOW was one of those very same occurrences. Like the author of that nickname, Miranda bailey only used it in an n ironic way, and it usually told him he had done something incredibly stupid, at least in Bailey's books. So, out of habit, Derek prepared himself for a lecture.

"What have I done now?" He groaned.

Bailey looked at him sternly "why d'you ask that as if it were my fault, I didn't make you be stupid." She shook her head "Is it true you now go around discrediting surgeons' competence, as well as one of the nation's most respected institutions like a damn schoolboy, or is that another one of the damn hospital's rumours?"

Derek bowed his head shamefully "How did you hear about that?"

"Everyone heard about it, Mcdreamy. Not least of whom is the doctor you were discrediting herself. Great way to make a positive first impression as her superior by the way. Not to mention get her on your side for the running of her E.R. Damn fool."

Derek groaned.

"How is she? I mean what's she like?" he asked suddenly. To his surprise, Bailey gave him a wide amused smile which he couldn't decipher.

"What?"

She continued to smirk "Oh, you'll see soon enough" laughed Bailey slyly, "Though I can't believe..."she stopped suddenly, chuckling.

"What is it?" he asked determined. But bailey shook her head.

"You'll see tomorrow."

"But you have met her?"

"Oh yes, scrubbed in with her today in fact."

"And?"

"And what?"

Derek let out an exasperated breath "how is she? Is she as good as people are saying or am I gonna have to babysit her for the next month?"

Bailey laughed "if you're worried the rumours about her being on the way to out operate you, I can't do much to reassure you Shepherd. She IS undeniably brilliant."

"Gee thanks Miranda, that's great for the ego" he said sarcastically."

Bailey scoffed "that ego's too big anyway, bringing it down a notch or two couldn't hurt. Especially with all the crap you've been spouting about her for no damn reason."

"Bailey, tell me what to do to get out of this mess" the neurosurgeon pleaded her, like he had that night, the night he had made the biggest mistake of his life. And a part of him wondered if he would have made the same choice that night had she more explicitly formulated the answer to his question. But that was the past.

Bailey looked at him knowingly before saying. "You should apologise." And Miranda bailey's heart clenched, because in it she knew she wasn't just talking about the insulting comments.


	12. Ch 12 Butting Heads

CH 12 Butting heads

Finishing the evaluation of her patient's head trauma, Meredith promptly paged both Drs Krischeck and Shepherd from Neuro, with the intention of signing him off to the first who got there, having called for both of them in the hopes that at least one would reply. Meredith would have wanted to do the surgery herself, but had thought it best to keep a general eye over the E.R. This also enabled her to evaluate how crisis situations were handled at Seattle Grace Mercy West hospital, which was admittedly much harder to do from the O.R. And this was precisely that: a crisis. Which partially explained her impatience at having her page answered, so that she could make another general round of the different trauma rooms as well as the three O.R.s that already had operations under way.

She was secretly pleased however, when Krischeck appeared before her, informing her that Derek's shift hadn't been meant to start until ten, so that he probably wouldn't be there for a while, especially considering the traffic. Ten car pile-ups just outside North Seattle high school generally screwed around with everyone's day. Despite the fact that this meant she had one less attending at hand to deal with the crisis, it also meant, she haf a few more hours to left before dealing with seeing him again, and that was good.

It was also why she was somewhat thankful for the crisis, as horrible as that may appear, because on top of being her comfort zone, having spent the last few years in the middle of a war-zone, it meant she had a lot on her mind, and so very had little to no room in her brain for worrying about Derek…at least not at this very second.

And she did have a lot on her mind.  
The morning had been a particularly agitated one; the first wave of traumas having hit approximately an hour and a half ago, rapidly succeeded by several others. And while knowing that this was NOT a war-zone, Meredith had rapidly seen the validity of Richard Webber's assessment that Seattle Grace could definitely do with a brush-up on their Trauma procedure. Too many doctors, trainees and attendings alike, ran around panicking in every direction, not knowing where to help and eventually getting in the way of others. The lack of co-ordination moreover, was staggering. Senior residents, eager to impress, hogged the most dire cases where extra hands would not have gone amiss, while interns looked like deer caught in headlights, and attendings struggled to gain a semblance of order. She definitely had her job cut out for her.

Meredith winced slightly as she felt the familiar yet unwelcome ache and tug in her abdominal muscles. Biting back the pain, she once again focused on the task at hand. Things were progressing slowly but progressing all the same. She had already initiated the transferring of less emergent cases to the clinic, so as to free a maximum of space for the worst traumas. Residents and attendings had been accordingly allotted to trauma rooms, so that as much as possible, the circulation in the open space was reserved to interns and nurses, carrying bags of blood and medical supplies back and forth, while their superiors treated the patients accordingly and shipped them off to surgery if nessecary. This meant a considerable reduction in people getting in each other's way.

Meredith was adamant however, that the interns and junior residents be included in procedures, nearly causing one of third year residents to stroke out at the shock of her offer that he practice drilling burr holes.

The surgical board, which Meredith checked every fifteen minutes at the most, to keep track of which ORs were empty, being prepped or operated in, had long been cleared of any non emergent cases, which had spurred reactions of annoyance among some of the senior attendings. Dr. Nelson, of the neuro department, was particularly annoyed, and had been ranting in Meredith's ear for the last ten minutes now, while she advised an intern on how to perfect his intubation technique, so as to do it quicker and more efficiently.

" I don't care about Krischeck's spinal trauma! I've been scheduled for this aneurysm clipping since yesterday, and I'm not gonna let some junior newbie who wants to impress the chief push me around."

Meredith bit back her retort and fought to keep her cool. She had never like Nelson, even as an intern, as he had, in her opinion, limited surgical talent, and no teaching skills whatsoever. Apparently dealing with him as an attending wasn't proving much more pleasurable as back then.

"Dr. Nelson, I appreciate you annoyance, I really do, but in the present circumstances, I had no choice. Your case was not emergent, Krischeck's was. Your aneurysm isn't going anywhere, you can be rescheduled."

But nelson wasn't having it. "Who the hell do you think you are? I've been in this hospital since before you graduated high school…"

That many years too long thought Meredith bitterly. "And you think you can come in here with your shiny military badge and take over everyone's schedule?...make no mistake, I'll be talking to Shepherd about this."

Meredith fumed. What was this? Kindergarten? Why didn't he just go to Richard and tattle to the principle? Never losing his gaze, she announced firmly "I'm sorry Dr. Nelson but my decision is final. Go to Dr. Shepherd by all means, but in this case, I'm not acting as a neurosurgeon, but a trauma surgeon and I think I'm entitled to a minimum of authority over how things are run in my own department."

One floor above her, scrubbing into O.R. 3, Derek Shepherd swore loudly as he saw his resident call time of death through the glass window of the scrub room.  
He had barely gotten back, and already his day was hell. He'd been paged, two hours earlier than he should have, causing him to interrupt his relaxing morning fishing, and head off as fast as he could to the hospital, which admittedly hadn't been fast at all, because of the heavy traffic all through Seattle.

The first thing he had done, once at the hospital, after having thrown on his dark blue scrubs, not even bothering to pull on his lab coat, was head straight for the O.R. where he had been sure to have his patient waiting for him. And now barely eleven minutes after getting to the Hospital, that same patient was dead. A tall lean 19 year old college student who would never get to accomplish his dreams because some stupid drunk had decided to take the wheel. Who the hell was drunk at eight thirty in the morning anyways?

Already in a bad mood, Derek found his way to the E.R-where he was headed to help deal with the rest of this mess- blocked by his least favourite attending, Jim Nelson, who, in his opinion, could easily be dispensed with, but had his job saved for him by his seniority. "Ah...Dr. Shepherd, jut the man I was looking for. I have a grievance concerning your new attending"

Derek sighed. He had yet to meet that said attending, but knowing Nelson, and from what he had heard of his new colleague's exemplary efficiency, this grievance was probably going to be a waste of time.

"Look John"

"its Jim" cut the older doctor a bit dryly and Derek apologised for what felt like the millionth time of his career

"I'm sure..."

"No. I refuse to be kicked about by a twelve year old newbie under the pretext that she supposedly runs the E.R., because she wants to play around with her job like some shiny new toy"

An exasperated voice cut in "Nelson, you damn fool, she's just doing the job she was hired to do, so instead of wasting Shepherd's time with your petty disputes like a petulant five year old, why don't you both head down to the pit and make yourselves useful?"

In that moment, Derek didn't know what he wanted to do most: laugh, bonk Nelson on the head or hug Miranda Bailey. Nelson kept grumbling, but the general surgeon's reprimand had at least quieted his moaning. Miranda Bailey had a strong authority over everyone.

THANK YOU Derek mouthed to her silently. He had DEFINITELY needed that. And though she didn't make any indication that she had understood his silent message to her, he thought she saw a faint smile grace her features.


	13. Ch 13 And there she was

CH 13 and there she was

There was something different when Derek walked into the E.R., and for a few moments he couldn't think what it could possibly be.

His quick eyes registered the busy group surrounding a patient that had what looked like glass imbedded in her thorax. He registered his best friend treating what looked like third degree burns through the window of a trauma room and he even took note of the crying little boy that Alex Karev was, reasonably successfully, trying to calm down. And there were others, many others. Only a few beds were left empty in the entire room; doctors, nurses, and generally all medical staff were bustling away to save lives. Which considering this was a hospital, particularly the Emergency Room of a hospital in a crisis situation, was to be expected. But something was…..off.

He shook his head in disbelief at the sudden realisation of why this felt so weird. This was a crisis, and yet….. Things seemed almost ….calm. No. calm wasn't the right word. Everyone was hurrying about as they always did. But this time, for no apparent reason whatsoever, instead of the usual blinding chaotic, panicky mess, there was a sense of co-ordination, order, efficiency. Something that had never been in all the crisis situations Derek had experienced at Seattle Grace, something that had always lacked completely. And the sudden change was slightly unnerving.

"She's doing pretty well isn't she" smiled Miranda Bailey knowingly, easily understanding the unspoken question behind Derek's bewildered expression.

Derek turned his shocked expression to face her "wha….?" He started to ask, before a voice called his attention elsewhere.

A voice he knew. A voice that made his toes curl and his heart pound.

"More incoming! Less dire cases are to be transferred to the clinic immediately! Patients waiting to be called for surgery will have to be lined along the halls to make room. Never more than one bed in width, all on the same side of the hall. We have to be able to circulate. Once again I remind you to avoid all unnecessary scrambling about. Remember people: Minimise movements, it minimises chaos!"

Derek was utterly and completely dumbstruck.

No.  
It couldn't be. He was hallucinating. He was evidently in dire need of an M.R.I. He had dreamt it, he hadn't heard her voice, and it was just his subconscious toying with his mind.

But the voice didn't fade. It didn't go away. It didn't stop yelling instructions.

"Avoid blocking elevators and patient rooms. Let's keep this efficient and orderly people! Move! O'Malley! Here, I need a hand. Subdural bleed. Call an O.R. I'll have someone else do it, I need to stay here." she flashed her penlight in the unresponsive patient's eyes. "Damn it! This is more urgent than I thought." she turned to George "take him right now, and get started. Trust your instincts O'Malley, you can do it. Someone page Ortho and Neuro!"

That voice... the voice he hadn't heard in over five years.

**FLASHBACK**

_Derek turned at the voice of his favourite intern, the beating of his heart increasing slightly as he registered her presence. But the uplifting feeling that had seemed to carry him at her coming in the room plummeted down fiercely as he turned to face her and took in her utterly broken appearance. His heart ached at her obvious pain, and he felt himself go weak at the knees with the knowledge that he had done this to her. He longed to be the one who could comfort her, and instead, he was the source of her misery._

_Her voice sounded in his ear again, exhausted, slightly raspy. Dark shadows collected under her eyes, and they looked especially watery, as if she were ready to cry at any moment. Faded in the back ground, the whispers around them redoubled as people caught sight of them, both in the same room. But she wasn't looking at him._

"_George, can you come here? I need a hand." _

"_Coming Mer,…what you got?" he said approaching her _

"_I think it's a subdural bleed. You mind paging Neuro? I'll get his son to the waiting area."_

_She gestured weakly to the confused looking toddler that was sitting by the bed, not understanding that something was wrong with his father. Derek's heart tore in half at the realisation she had probably given her Neuro case to George in an endeavour to avoid having him. He continued to watch sadly as she walked away, the little boy now clutched tightly in her arms, both probably needing as much the other one another's support._

**END OF FLASHBACK**

It was the last time he saw her. The next day, she was gone.

"Damn it, he's coding! Charge to 200!"

And yet, there she was.

"Yes! We have a rhythm. Good job,O'Malley. Now, let's get back to prepping that O.R. shall we?"

Derek was still standing there, frozen in shock when Meredith and George disappeared into an elevator, heading up to the O.R. floor.

"Oy, Shepherd! Snap out of it and get your ass into gear. She said Neuro!" Derek looked at Miranda Bailey in a complete daze, with the face of someone who had just spent too long in the sun.

"Sorry. What?"

Bailey huffed "and you were concerned about HER competence? O.R .YOU .Trauma. Now." she snapped at him.

Finally, Derek shifted a bit. "Right. Yeah." and with that he ran off.

"Damn Fool!"  
-

Meredith heard the door open behind her, but didn't turn around.

You learnt in the army to stay focused on your patient, whatever the danger, whatever was going on around you. It was your duty to save that life. Of course, they didn't tell you to be stupid. Direct threat to your person or your patient allowed you a possibility to react. It was why they made you carry a gun.

Thankfully, Meredith had never had to use the M-9 Beretta pistol always secured to her holster when they entered combat zone. She knew you needed it. You needed something to protect yourself. To make yourself even the teensiest bit less vulnerable. But however vulnerable, the patient was your priority. Because if he wasn't, you wouldn't be able to go in a war zone to save lives. If you focused on yourself over him you wouldn't be able to be a doctor under fire.

So even though she felt the door open, her military training kicked in. She didn't turn around. She stayed focused on George O'Malley and the cut she had told him to make, guiding him every step of the way, but essentially leaving him in charge for the first part of the surgery. She felt the prickle of the hairs at her neck and the pulse under her skin start to beat more strongly. In some ways, this was not unlike the feeling of apprehension that preceded coming face to face with gunfire.

She could feel the intensity of his gaze digging in her back, but still, stayed concentrated on George. She couldn't lose her focus now.  
She had felt it too, in the e.R. but had decided it was her imagination, and that she had more pressing things on her hands to deal with. But she knew, now, that it wasn't a figment of her imagination. He was here.

Focus.

She could feel the aura of him slowly take over her. Having yet to turn around, memories of his dark curls, his husky scent, the melodious humming noise he made…..all of it enveloped her.

Damn it Meredith! Focus! She chastised herself.

"You're doing great George. Be careful when you drill through the bone to keep it clean. Remember to avoid going too deep so as not to damage the tissue."

"Yes. Dr. Grey."

Meredith smiled encouragingly as George did as he was told, executing the actions almost perfectly. Her friend had certainly come a long way from the double O seven he once was known as.

"Well" she said, starting to back slightly from the table, her tone suddenly sarcastic and snarky "once you've pulled the skull piece out, I'll head back to the E.R., now that Dr. Shepherd has been kind enough to grace us with his presence."

Whoa! Meredith was surprised at the bitterness of her tone. Did she really just say that? That was kind of bitchy, even if he was a jackass. He definitely deserved much worse, and she kind of wanted to go back on that resolve not to use her Beretta….but this wasn't the time or the place. Here, they were Doctors. And even though he hadn't been able to keep his mouth shut and stay professional, with his demeaning comments, it didn't mean she couldn't.

"Sorry…got held up…traffic…." He seemed nervous. And somehow….apologetic. Weird.

"Well then. Seeing as we now have a COMPETENT surgeon among us, I'll leave you to it."

Damn it, she WAS a bitter hag. So much for the resolve to stay professional. But then she reminded herself, he deserved it. Take that you arrogant bastard.

Apparently, she had found a way to deal with Derek Shepherd. Piss him the hell off.

-  
All through surgery questions raged through Derek's mind. But one thing was certain. She was here. After all he had gone through to find her, she was here. Derek couldn't believe it.

It just wasn't possible. How could she be here? His heart pounded uncontrollably as he tried to keep the rest of himself calm; needing steady hands for his procedure.

She was still so...her. And yet in the mere seconds he had been in her presence, he could tell she had changed. More assertive for one. In control. Authoritarian. HOT .And very pissed off; but he would have to deal with that later. Right now he would just focus on the image of her in his head. Long blonde hair, slightly lighter than he remembered. Darker tan. Dark blue scrubs...all SOOOOOOO hot. And just then the realisation hit him.

Dark blue scrubs? She was an attending. More images flashed through his brain. Her control of the E.R., her tone of authority, Bailey's smirk of amusement the night before...it all clicked...she was the transfer. The young military ranked double certified surgical transfer was Meredith Grey. The same surgical transfer that he had spent the last few weeks insulting.

Oh shit.

So that's why she was pissed.

Or part of why she was pissed, she probably still wasn't too happy about his hidden marriage.

Crap.

Something else clicked. She was a neurosurgeon.

Granted Richard had also mentioned she was also a trauma surgeon, but that wasn't that a given as she worked three hundred sixty-five days a year in a war-zone? But she had chosen his specialty. Or the specialty they happened to have in common he told himself. Get over yourself Derek, you cant assume just because you want to that you had any impact on her ch...Wait a second...war zone?

The words repeated in his head. Medical officer. Transfer. Army. Recovery.

Recovery.

A sense of nausea started to overwhelm him. No, he couldn't think about all that now, he had to focus. Focus on his surgery. Derek looked carefully for the source of the problem. Meredith had been right, it was a subdural bleed.

But his concentration wavered. Fragments of conversation from his and Rivers' meeting with the chief resounded in his ears. Recovery. Recovery from what exactly?

She was gravely injured during an insurgent attack. That's what Rivers had said.

The words stabbed at his heart, a dull ache taking over him.  
The rest of the surgery passed without him being totally aware of what he was doing. He was stuck, somewhere in a parallel limbo, alone with a crazy whirlpool of desperate questions, none of which had answered.

He nearly jumped out of his skin when he heard George's voice talking to him as they were scrubbing out. The entire surgery had occurred in silence since Meredith's departure.  
George was looking at him with a serious expression and a hard look that Derek had never seen on him before. He spoke again, though the attending hadn't registered his fist words.

"None of us knew she was leaving until she was already gone. Except Christina. She had Chris tell us the next day. Told her she couldn't face us. She'd gone to the chief a week before apparently, but had told him to shut up about it, because she didn't want anyone finding out."

He kept his gaze riveted on Derek's eyes, still maintaining a serious look, like he meant business. "Izzie didn't return contact with her for three months, and Alex and I...we only started writing back when Chris was out of town and someone had to write. We nearly lost her. So don't hurt her again. Because if you run her off this time, and I swear to God: We'll kill you."


	14. Ch 14 Outrage

CH 14 Outrage.

Derek Shepherd had spent the last hour pacing his office, still plagued by the same preoccupations as during his surgery.

George's warning lay somewhere at the back of his mind, but still on the forefront were the same ever looming questions, nagging him. Questions to which he still had no answers. Pacing, pacing always pacing, desperate to find answers, explanations, anything...but in vain. All of which resulted in his frustration morphing progressively into anger, and now rage. Rage mostly against him, for losing her in the first place, but also at Meredith, at Bailey, Mark, George, Richard….everyone.

He had reached the point where his usually tidy office was becoming the arena where he could let go of all his pent up anger.  
He wanted to hit something. To throw something. Break something. He yanked his framed med school diploma off his wall and sent it to the floor with a crash. Damn it!

Shards of glass now joined the mess of papers strewn haphazardly on the carpet, next to the wall that bore a distinct mark from the stapler that had hit it moments ago.  
Derek Shepherd rarely got drunk, but now, apart from the total lack of alcohol in his system, he could have been.  
And like any man suffering through so much pain and anger, he searched for an outlet, and found the perfect victim in Richard Webber. Because Webber had known.  
And among all of Derek's muddled thoughts, that one thought stuck. Webber had known. He couldn't stop repeating the phrase over and over.

He had known about her transfer.

Yet when questions had been asked replies had been denied.

He had to have known about the army and there was no way he hadn't known she was the military officer coming here.  
Yet he hadn't said anything.  
Furious, needing to yell at someone, and wanting answers, Derek stormed out of his office and through the hospital to the one place where he could get them. And he would. If it was the last thing he did, he would get his answers.  
-

As Patricia was out, Derek did not even have to announce his visit. He preferred it this way, so that he didn't have to wait, he could just take the opportunity of barging in. This way, he could go straight to the point, and damn it he would.  
Derek slammed the door open with such force that it bounced off the wall and came flying back at him. "How the hell could you not tell me!" he yelled, barely even registering the fact that Mark Sloan was there, seated in front of the desk and clearly in the middle of what had been a conversation with the Chief. But Derek didn't care. He was here for answers and he was damn well gonna get them.

Richard's expression went from surprised shock to realisation, a sad apologetic look gracing his face as he beheld his old student. But if anything, this spurned Derek on. "Where the hell do you get off thinking you can hide something like this from me Richard?" he continued to yell.

"I didn't know how to tell you Derek" replied Richard evenly, feeling the regret he had known would come, "I must admit it was much easier to play the coward..."

"I don't just mean about the transfer, Richard. I mean all of it. How the hell could you not tell me?" His breath was erratic, his eyes shot, sweat pooling at his temples.

His best friend looked at him, concerned, while his boss's gaze seemed more compassionate  
"That I had no choice about. I swore I wouldn't tell you where ..."

But Derek didn't even let him finish "I deserved to know the truth, Richard. I deserved to know." his breathing returned to a calmer stance and his voice grew quiet yet still biting and bitter. "and don't even try to give me the bull about not thinking I'd care, Richard, because even if I hadn't spent months asking for her, even if I hadn't contacted every damn residency programme I could find, you obviously knew, you knew it mattered, because you deliberately avoided telling me she was coming back."

Mark's worried look shifted to confusion, drifting between Derek and Richard, as if hoping one of them would explain.

"And how long have you known she's in the army? The bloody army!"

This time, Richard quickly started to answer before Derek could continue his rant. "I knew since her transfer, but had it signed in her contract that I wasn't to tell anyone. It wasn't just a personal favour, it was an official order. I was liable. I believe if she has informed anyone else, and I am not doubting that for a second, considering her close relationship with Yang, O'Malley, Stevens and Karev, she probably had them sign as well."

Derek stayed silent so he went on. "As for her coming back, I'm truly sorry I didn't tell you, but I honestly didn't know what to say."

"So you thought it would be less trouble for me to stumble in her E.R and get requested for an emergency surgery I was barely able to concentrate on because of the fact the woman I'd been looking for five years was two floors away?".

Richard really didn't know what to say to that, so he said the first thing that came to his head, which apparently wasn't a very good idea. Because even as he asked the question, he felt the absurdity of it, its emptiness its blatant WRONG-ness. Even as he said the words, Richard Webber winced inwardly, fully expecting the deathly glare Derek Shepherd sent him in response. "Derek...it was five years ago, surely you aren't going to let an affair..."

But as anticipated, the first half of his question stayed lingering in the air unanswered as Derek turned once more to yell at him. "It wasn't an affair Richard"

His tone was scalding and the tension in the atmosphere palpable "Meredith Grey is and was a lot of things, but she was never an affair." And with that he stormed out of the room, once more slamming the door.

-

Silence reigned for quite some time after Derek's less than gracious departure, the walls almost seeming to hum with the sizzling heat that had taken over the chief's office. Mark Sloan had looked at the door questioningly, as if half-expecting his best friend to come storming back in, but he never did. The conversation on extending the burn unit was completely forgotten, having been replaced by entirely different concerns.

"Was that about what I think it was about?" Mark asked, after a while, finally breaking the silence; disbelieving even the possibility of his suspicions being correct.

He had never met her, but if this was about who he thought this was about, Derek had looked everywhere for her. Everywhere. The reconstruction of their friendship had actually derived from his brother's desperate attempts to discover where she had disappeared off to.

**FLASHBACK**

_Mark finished updating his chart before looking at the time. Crap. It was too late to go get drunk. It was even too late to just get half drunk and pick up a girl. He huffed. Ever since Addie had left...__  
__No. He shook his head, because even he couldn't hidefrom the fact that his life had gone to hell long before Addison had found him cheating. He sighed. He missed her, he did, but that was nothing compared to how he missed his brother. He missed the whole family, but Derek especially.__  
__In the last four months, his life had gone to hell, and it was all his fault._

_He hadn't bothered to call home, imagining quite clearly how the rest of the Shepherds would react. Nancy might take Addison's defence. After all, she had been her sister in law's Maid of honour at the wedding,...but Mark knew better than to expect anyone would side with him. And whatever reaction- whether the contempt he deserved to have thrown at him or the hurt yet forgiving embrace-she would have, he could not possibly face Carolyn Shepherd right now._

_His phone rang and he didn't even bother to pick it up. Probably some chick he'd promised to call. The buzz of his mobile lasted a few seconds, before dying down and eventually starting up again. She was persistent; Mark had to give her that. But Mark wasn't in the mood. He was so much better there, wallowing in his own self pitying misery._

_At the third buzz of the phone, Mark let out a cry of frustration "Oh come on! Can't you give it a rest?"_

_He nearly swore when his office phone started ringing. Okay so maybe not some chick. Probably some stupid ass colleague wanting to ask him some stupid question. He ignored it again. Whoever it was, they'd have to give up eventually._

"_Hello you've reached Dr. Mark Sloan; head of plastic surgery at Mount Sinai New York hospital, I am currently unavailable right now and will get back to you as soon as I can.." he was about to press the receiver button, effectively ending the call, when he recognised the angry voice on the other end of the line. _

"_Damn it Sloan you smug bastard! Pick up! You fucking son a of a bitch, you spend three months calling non stop and when I actually need your pathet..."_

_He didn't get any further before Mark wrenched the phone from its hold and gasped "Derek? That you?"_

"_Of course it's me Jackass! I need your help."_

"_Anything man, anything I can d..."_

"_Shut up. I don't want to hear your excuses, I don't care about them, so don't waste your breath. I need you to tell me if you've had any news concerning the transfer of an intern anywhere? An intern by the name of Meredith Grey?"_

_Mark had answered in the negative, bewildered, before Derek had told him to keep looking, and to keep him posted, giving him his referral number at Seattle grace hospital.__  
__Derek had been about to hang up, clearly in a hurry, and thouroughly uninterested in socialising, when Mark had sheepishly inquired whether or not this had anything to do with the slutty intern Addison had mentioned. _

_Derek had stopped short, and his voice had been so deadly quiet Mark almost had to strain his ear to hear the words._

"_You listen Sloan, and you listen good. My life is none of your goddamn business, and I don't give a shit about yours. But ever talk about Meredith Grey like that again and I will kick your ass. Is that clear?"__  
_  
**END OF FLASBACK**

"You've found Grey?" inquired Mark, his mind still reeling from the memory, "you know where Derek's Meredith is?"

Richard nodded resignedly. "Yes. I know where Meredith is. She's on leave from acting duty in the U.S. army, recovering from a field injury as a temporary Neuro and trauma surgeon on my staff."

And as Richard's words hit Mark he could only say one thing.

"Crap."


	15. Ch 15 In his Eyes

CH 15 In his eyes

Meredith Grey had not known what to expect that morning when she had faced the fact that today was the day she would see Derek Shepherd again for the first time in five years, four months, two weeks and five days. She knew the exact time because she had calculated it in her head.

She had left just over two months after the beginning of her internship, those two months being the happiest part of her life, before crashing her at an all-time low.  
Exactly One thousand nine hundred sixty five days had passed since then, and while that seemed so small, so much had happened in that time.

In that time, Meredith had painfully gotten her life back together, piece by piece.  
Yes, it was dangerous, yes, it was challenging, and yes for the first few months she had questioned her own sanity. But she was learning to be a surgeon, she was saving lives and she had friends. Michael Colin Rivers had proved to be a friend beyond her wildest dreams, and in him she had found the family that only Christina, Izzie, Alex, and George had ever represented for her. The absence of her friends had been the only downside in her new existence, which had been at least partly made up for by a constant exchange of letters, once their initial hurt at her departure passed.

As such, there remainined between them the same familial bond and support, the same love Meredith had never received from any of her blood relatives; be it from her workaholic mother or absent father, but had in ample supply from those which she had chosen herself .

But even then, even with her life back in order, and her professional career set out for her to succeed, Meredith had long been aware, however much she tried to ignore it, of the gaping hole which remained in her chest; the realisation ever so cruel, that while SHE had escaped Seattle, her heart had remained behind, ever attached to the one man who she had ever given it to.

Before Derek Shepherd, and that fateful night in the bar, Meredith had never fallen in love.

She had lost her virginity at fifteen in the bathroom at a college party from which she'd awoken naked, terrified and lost, remembering nothing more of the encounter than the multiple shots of tequila which had preceded it.  
And ever since then, sex for Meredith had simply been the outlet she used to let herself feel, the one moment where she could pretend, where she could almost imagine the arms she lay in would protect her, take care of her, love her.  
Yet always, the illusion would shatter, and the young girl would pull away, nether letting anyone too close, desperate to avoid the hurt which so many people she had let in had already caused her.

And until Derek, that had worked for her.

Until Derek, her life had fallen into a semblance of normalcy, and she had been, if not happy, at least at peace with how her life was turning out.

Until Derek.

Because from the moment of their second meeting at the hospital, he had not let her go. On top of her embarrassment, she had felt his persistence annoying, confusing and yet strangely comforting. And before she could prepare to catch herself, she had fallen. Hard. Harder than she ever thought possible.

It hadn't taken long.

She knew she probably loved him long before she had trusted him, long before she let her final defences down at his plea that she "take the rest on faith." and had given herself completely, willingly to him.  
It was ironic really, that the revelation of one of her deepest secrets, in the disease of her mother, had only preceded by a few measly hours the discovery of his deceit that had broken her. It was that more than anything, that had destroyed her.

His direct plea for trust, her finally letting someone in for the first time in her life, only to be trampled on and discarded the next minute, to be his second choice after her first ever declaration that she was in love.  
She didn't think even she had known that it was the case until she had said it but looking back now, she knew that it had been the case long before her lamentation in the scrub room. However much she didn't want to, she loved him.

So not knowing what to expect, Meredith Grey had not been able to expect anything, but she had certainly not expected that.  
She had an ample right to be angry, that she knew. So her behaviour to him didn't bother her in the least, and if she was honest with herself, she had to admit it had felt good. She might be acting like a petty child, she thought, but she couldn't deny she had felt some satisfaction at returning to him a little of what she had endured. And even that, she thought, paled in comparison to her suffering.

No, the part that had shocked her, hit her full blast in the face like the impact of a fully armed assault missile, was the violent surge of longing that had surged through her, the intense emotion that despite all her anger, despite all her pain, had wrecked havock inside her the second she had turned away from the table and met his eyes. It didn't matter that she hated him, that she wanted to yell at him, hit him, pound on his chest with her 'tiny ineffectual fists'(which weren't that ineffectual now, actually, as a result of her training) for all she was worth, because on top of all that he still made her heart ache with love for him.

With the simplest cross of their looks, he had shaken her resolve and her rage into a pathetic, teetering mess.

It had not lasted more than a few seconds and Meredith was still now reeling in the aftershock of what that brief encounter, those mere moments of proximity had done to her.

He was, first of all, as gorgeous as ever. His muscles still elegantly toned next to his ever flattering navy blue scrubs, giving him an air of elegance and yet also his intimidating aura as a neurological god . His hair, his dark slightly unruly curls falling gently down the nape of his neck, neither too long nor to short, jerking memories of its feel through her fingers as he took her in his arms, made her breathing go shallow. And finally, his eyes, two deep pools of wisdom she felt could see through all of her, whatever she tried to hide, even after all this time.

Never in the five years that had separated them had she felt as vulnerable and self-conscious as she had as their gazes had met. She was glad, at the very least, that she had kept her composure in the O.R. and had stayed focused on her job afterwards, not letting herself break down until her last patient was out of surgery and in recovery.

And indeed, as soon as the last chart had been completed, signed, and packed off to the right room in preparation for the next day's rounds, Meredith had collapsed, curled into a ball on her office couch; unable to stop the tears from streaking her tired face, sobbing until her exhausted figure could take no more, and she had succumbed into a deep and much needed sleep.

And it was like this, curled up and shaking slightly, covered in grime, sweat and blood from the whirlwind of the day, with tear tracks staining her pale face, that she woke up several hours later, rested, but still without a clue as to what the hell she was going to do.


	16. Ch 16 Behind Enemy Lines

CH 16 behind enemy lines

Mark Sloan had been looking for his best friend for close to an hour, and he was getting increasingly worried.

The reasons for his increasing state of worry were two fold. For one; he hadn't found any sign of Derek yet and he was running out of places to look. He had even been to the roof, where he and Derek sometimes liked to go hit golf balls when either one of them, or both, were having a particularly tough day.

His second cause of fear, of a more selfish nature, was due to his history with Derek, and the fact he was afraid that his best friend would be pissed at him. Because he had basically spent the last few days describing how hot the new hot shot doc from the army was, and discussing whether or not she'd be a good lay, which apparently, was a question Derek would be able to answer, because she was Meredith Grey.

As in the woman Derek had been pining over for the last five years and then some.

Which is why Mark was worried. Because the last time he had shown interest (okay, screwing in their bed had been a little more than interest) for Derek's 'girl' his brother hadn't spoken to him in a civil way for over a year. And that had been Addison. Who while clearly great and a good friend; Derek had never really been in love with, whatever the eleven years of marriage attested to the contrary.

Whereas Meredith...Mark didn't know much about love, never having experienced it himself, but after listening to his friend go on about her for the last five years, it didn't matter how dense he was, it didn't take a genius to figure out that Derek was definitely in love with Meredith.

Not knowing where else to continue his search, Mark headed down to the E.R. directing himself straight at the centre office which now bore the references  
Dr. Lieutenant Meredith Grey M.D.  
Traumatic Care Unit

Mark did not know what caused him to knock on the office door despite the absence of lighting in the gap underneath it, or what pushed him to try the handle, only to discover the office was unlocked, before heading inside. Mark didn't know what pushed him to do these things, but he was glad he did them because the sight he saw, as well as instantly breaking his heart, immediately answered any questions he had about what feelings Meredith Grey might have for Derek.

Because having met Lieutenant Grey, the hard ass, hot shot confident surgeon who wasn't to be messed with under any circumstance, Mark could think of no other plausible explanation for the sudden mess of a person before him, than Derek. He would never have presumed such a thing, moreover, had it not been for the fact that he had, many a time, in the first months following his arrival in Seattle, walked into his brother faring no better than the shivering young woman curled up tightly on the couch a few feet away.

She sat there, as if lost in her own world, clearly oblivious to his presence, murmuring words to herself that Mark barely caught. "Why can't I just hate him? Ass! Stupid loser! Stupid boys with their stupid secret wives and their stupid boy penises. Damn it, Meredith!"

Her tone flickered constantly between anger, confusion and despair, her voice cracked and hoarse from exertion.  
He saw her jump as he pushed the door lightly, closing with a soft 'click' that resounded loudly in the pervading silence, before Meredith lifted her pale face to meet his.

As a person Meredith had never been put together. Her mother had spent her entire life ensuring that Meredith doubted everything in herself. But Meredith had spent the last five years learning how to at least maintain the appearance of being together. So when she found herself, clearly vulnerable and shaking, approached by someone else in the room, she immediately tensed.

It did nothing to calm her defensive attitude moreover, when her eyes were able to make out the shape of Mark Sloan peering at her in the dark. Having just come to her senses, wondering how long he'd been there witnessing her breakdown, and having not yet pulled her walls back up, her voice sounded more broken and terrified than the hostile authority that had emanated from her during their previous encounters.

"What...what do YOU want?"

For the first time since he had met her, Mark Sloan did not look at Meredith grey as a woman he would like to bed, or even a hotshot military surgeon to be admired. he looked at her with the eyes of a man who had witnessed first hand (in his best friend) what love could do to someone, and took on the tone of comforting friendship; devoid of pity, yell full of understanding.

"Don't worry, I'm not here to piss you off, and if I' ma really that bad I promise I'll leave."

Meredith regarded him with a mixture of suspicion and interest. "That doesn't answer my question. What do you want? You some kind of stalker who preys on women when they're alone?" her voice had regained its firm composure, but still lacked the intense hostility he had become acquainted with, for which he was immensely thankful.

His reply was hurried however, as if desperate to eliminate her accusation "No! I just wanted to talk!"

Meredith looked at him sceptically "Talk or hit on me?"

Mark sighed. He had been right, this wouldn't be easy.  
"Look, I know I haven't exactly given you any reason to think the better of me," Mark started slowly, earning himself a sarcastic snort from Meredith, before continuing "but I did want to apologise. I know you enough to suspect you won't believe my sincerity in this, but I am very sorry. For myself, I mean" he put in quickly; he didn't want her to think Derek was cheap enough to apologise through him "for what I said, and how I acted with you. It was inappropriate and unprofessional, and I just...I'm used to being a man whore, I guess" he concluded. "Hitting on girls is my thing."

Meredith smiled softly at his sudden directness "so why the sudden change?"

Mark hesitated "Honestly?" he asked

Meredith shifted slightly on the couch, bringing her folded legs up to her chin so that her head rested upon her knees, wrapping her arms around her legs and facing him.

"Yes, honestly." She held his gaze, firmly.

"You want the honest answer." he checked again, wondering why he was stalling. Meredith nodded.

He sat down on the couch, next to her, and turned in her direction, before replying with a sigh "It's simple enough, really. You're Meredith Grey."

Meredith looked at him, puzzled for a minute, before realisation dawned on her. This was Derek's friend. And he knew who she was. Which meant Derek had talked about her. Which meant she had to leave. Now. She got up, and started to move towards the door, but Mark held her back gently.

"Hey, don't go. I just want to talk, I swear."

Meredith looked at him unsure.

"I'm Meredith Grey." She said, hesitantly, unsure of why she still stood there, rooted to the spot, no longer moving. "That's why you're not a jackass anymore? That's the honest reason?"

"Yes."

"He told you about me."

Mark didn't need any explanation about who the "He" was.  
"Yes" he replied again. It hadn't really been a question, but he had felt it was necessary to confirm her statement all the same. When she didn't respond, he started again.

"Look, I'm gonna be blunt. You're hot. And the first thing I thought when I saw you was something along the lines of 'Damn, she'd be a great lay'."

Meredith's eyebrow curved upwards.

"I'm sorry, but that's just who I am. And I've admittedly spent the last few days looking for a way to seduce you, but..."

"But I'm Meredith grey" she finished for him, amused at his slight ramble, "as we have previously established."

"I just couldn't to that to Derek again."

"or you" he added after a while, remembering her discomfort at the fact a future colleague was hitting on her. "but mostly Derek."

But Meredith hadn't been listening to his last statement. She was too busy focusing on his previous words. I just couldn't to that to Derek again. And suddenly, it came back to her, every detail in her mind precisely as everything had been.

**FLASBACK**

"_And everything I know just shifts. Because now I know that when I'm going to go into my bedroom; I'm not just gonna see that my wife is cheating on me. I'm gonna see that my wife is cheating on me with Mark, who happened to be my best friend."_

**END OF FLASHBACK**

Mark. As in Mark Sloan.  
Mark.  
It was too big a coincidence. In fact it was obvious that it wasn't a coincidence at all. He'd been hitting on her. She hadn't been interested, really she hadn't, but this was Mark.  
THE Mark. The one that had screwed with Derek's wife. And he'd been hitting on her.  
Meredith put her head in her hands. This kind or information? It made her brain go into overdrive.

Mark looked at her worried. "Meredith?"

She didn't answer. "Dr. Grey? Are you all right?"

Meredith lifted her gaze up to him finally, and repeated the words she had said to Richard Webber, so long ago. "It was you."

"What?"

"You're the Mark that slept with Addison. You're the best friend that his wife cheated on him with. It was you."

Mark looked at her in shock. "He told you?"

Meredith nodded. "He did. I didn't expect you two to be on speaking terms though. Last time you were mentioned, he seemed pretty bitter."

Mark smiled sadly. "Yeah well, it took a while for us to get back to how we were, to tell you the truth."

Meredith looked at him carefully. "He was your best friend. Why'd you do it?"

Mark shook his head slightly. "You know, to this day I'm not entirely sure. I think it got to a point where I made myself believe I was in love with her, but..." He stopped.

Meredith turned her head, intrigued. "But?" she asked. He looked directly into her eyes. "But having Derek look for you desperately for five years, pining for you even when there was no hope left,...I realised it hadn't been love. Not really. I think it was more envy than anything else."

Meredith blushed slightly at Mark's suggestion, which he didn't fail to notice. "He still is, you know. In love with you I mean."

Meredith turned her head to the carpet, avoiding his gaze.  
"Just like you obviously are with him." Mark put in, wondering how she was going to react.  
Meredith's head snapped back up, and she glared at him fiercely. But Mark could see the faint shimmer of a tear starting to form once again in her eyes.

"Come on," laughed mark suddenly nudging her. "Admit it. You can tell me anything, you know. We're the dirty mistresses, we gotta stick together!"

Meredith's glare deepened. "Let me make something clear Sloan. I've decided you're not a total jackass, which is why I haven't castrated you yet. But I hear you repeat what you just said to anyone else, and I'll go back on that decision in a heartbeat. Is that clear?"

Mark smiled knowingly. "Ah, but see, Meredith, that just tells me I'm right."

"I'm serious Sloan, a word of this entire conversation slips out and I won't hesitate to use my military training to kill you and make it look like an accident. And the name is Dr. Grey. Or Lieutenant, which ether you prefer."

Mark laughed again, as he got up and headed towards the door. "See you 'round, Grey". He said, stressing the use of her last name without either of her titles. He could practically feel her fuming behind him.

As he resumed his search for his friend, Mark was still chuckling to himself. Denial wasn't just a river in Egypt; it was Meredith Grey's plane of existence.


	17. Ch 17 Dangerous Ground

Ch 17 Dangerous Ground

Derek reluctantly turned his back on the murky grey water of the Elliot bay laid out beneath him, and slowly headed back to his car. The light chill of the drizzling rain tickled his cheek, and he pulled his coat tighter around him. He'd been standing there for the last hour, and the weather had turned just about forty-five minutes ago.

It looked like he felt, he mused.

He'd gone straight here after storming out of Richard's office, the end of his shift forgotten. He figured if they needed him, they'd page. Though to be honest he didn't know how useful he'd be at the moment. He had calmed down, but still needed to clear his head.

Which is why he had come here.

He didn't come often, not anymore, not since….then. But from time to time, when he needed a place to think, he came here, and it helped.  
Except tonight, if it was possible, it had only made things worse. More complicated.  
He had yet to attach his seat belt when he stopped suddenly, to look out once more at the view overlooking the docks, beautiful before him despite the murky clouds which filled the sky.  
She had taken him here. It was HER place. He had had the ferryboats, THIS was hers.

When they had finally quit that seemingly endless game of cat and mouse, and they had first become a real couple, she had taken him here. He smiled at the memory. It had been raining then too. She'd waited for him; her dark blonde locks curling slightly, pulling a bottle of wine out of her bag.

_So I know this place where there's an amazing view of sunrise overlooking the ferryboats._

Sunrise.

She'd taken him there. And they'd stayed in the car, overlooking the docks, still warm and cosy in each others arms, her head resting gently on his naked chest as they half sat, half lay, huddled together and sated in the driver's seat.  
And when he'd woken up at dawn; she had been there, standing outside, fully dressed again, looking out onto the rays of light that were breaking through on the horizon.

He missed that. He'd missed all of it. All of her. He had forgotten how beautiful she was, her golden locks, her slim petite frame...the overwhelming scent of lavender that seemed to emanate from her being...he had forgotten exactly how intoxicating it was.

He finally broke his gaze from the scene, and turned instead to fasten his seatbelt securely in its buckle.  
Wild emotions still surging through his system, Derek Shepherd half-heartedly turned the key in the ignition, and started to make his way home.

He probably wouldn't get much sleep tonight.

With no where else his friend could possibly be, Mark Sloan had headed out to Bainbridge island on the ferry, heading for the ten acres of woods and lake his friends had bought in an effort to break from his New York city existence. And Mark had to admit he had done pretty well in that endeavour.  
The flannel wearing, early morning fisherman and determined woodsman that was Derek Shepherd today certainly had nothing to do with the suit wearing, fancy car driving, upper class well respected Neurosurgeon of Mount Sinai hospital.  
Well he was still a well-respected neurosurgeon, but apart from that, Derek was a different man. And Mark couldn't help but feel this was more of who Derek was.

Like he was finally done pretending to be someone else and letting himself be who he wanted to be. Looking at Derek now, Mark thought he saw flashes of the boy that had taken him home over twenty years previously, giving him the only family he ever really had; the boy that somewhere, over time, had been lost to other people's expectations.  
But even with that change, Mark had felt for some time now, that something was still missing. And after five years of constant moaning and pining for Meredith Grey, Mark had come to the logical conclusion that that something was her. And had he hadany doubts before, the fifteen minutes spent with Meredith had been enough for Mark to acknowledge she was indeed perfect for his brother.

So now that she was back, he needed to make sure his friend got that something that he had been missing, back.  
Mark snorted to himself. He, Jeremy Sloan, manwhore extraordinaire, was going to play matchmaker. How ironic.  
His smile faded. That is, he would play matchmaker, if his best friend didn't murder him first. Which is why he was here.

Because before he set about to fix Derek's life, he had to confront him. And as much as he didn't look forward to that, he'd like to get it over with, so as to move on to more important things. But Derek was apparently nowhere to be found, which was making the whole thing way more complicated than it should be.

He was just thinking maybe this would have to wait until tomorrow, where he recognised the familiar sound of Derek's Porsche Cayenne approaching on the gravel pathway, soon followed by the appearance of the vehicle itself.

Finally.

Bracing himself for the show down, Mark called over to the weary looking man stepping out of the car. "Hey Man! There you are! I've been looking everywhere for you!"

Derek groaned at the sight of his best friend running over to him. He had really wanted to be alone tonight. Perhaps get drunk on his reserve of scotch….  
He took in his best friend's apparently worried and seemingly nervous expression.  
Why nervous? he wondered.

Oh yeah.

Probably because he'd spent the last few days expressing his strong desire to bang the hot new attending, who happened to be Derek's ex and the love of his life. Jackass.

Derek glared at him.

"What do you want Mark?"

"You just left man. I had to see if you were Okay."

"Okay?" Derek almost shouted at him "Do I LOOK Okay to you Mark? Kindly explain to me how any of this is Okay."

Mark looked at his friend sorrowfully.

"I know this can't be easy for you man, I mean you've been looking for her for five years and suddenly she's back…."

Derek cut him off, the anger that had dimmed since his yelling match with Richard suddenly returning. "It's not just that she's back Mark. It's the fact everyone, EVERYONE's been hiding her from me."

He remembered Bailey's smirk at Joe's the night before. "Like this is some sort of joke to everyone. And let me tell you, I'm not laughing. Everyone kept me in the dark." He paused for a second. "Well, Except you."

Mark looked at his best friend, not understanding. Derek was obviously pissed, and his tone at the last comment didn't seem to imply anything positive, so Mark was slightly confused.

"You're even worse than the rest of them."

Okay, so clearly, he was right about this not heading anywhere positive.

"YOU've given me quite an earful, Sloan…"

He turned to lock his gaze with Mark's, taking on an expression of complete disgust and fury. Derek honestly looked like he wanted to punch him, and he was just waiting for an excuse. "….you who instead of hiding her from me, wouldn't shut up on just how much you'd like to get your filthy man whoring paws on her, before even knowing her name. Why do you always go after what's mine Sloan, huh? Do you take pleasure in ruining my life?"

Mark lifted his hands defensively at Derek's biting accusation. "Nothing happened man, really. And like you said, I didn't know. I didn't know it was Grey. I would never have hit on her if I knew she was your girlfriend."

"It didn't seem to stop you when it was my wife."

The words hit Mark like a slap in the face.

"This isn't about that man. Please don't make it about that. We got through that. I'm not trying to get in your way here bro. I swear. I'm on your side."

Derek continued to look at Mark in contempt, but failed to answer, which Mark took as a good sign.  
"Derek, you're my family. I already came too close to screwing that up once, I'm not stupid enough to risk it again." He hesitated slightly before adding. "Plus, even if I did, I wouldn't have a shot, she clearly only wants you."

At that, Derek, who had turned around to head for his trailer having had enough, turned abruptly back to Mark.

"How do you know that?"

His tone had lost nearly all its hostility, replaced by a sudden vulnerability and desperation that broke Mark's heart.

He smiled reassuringly, to qualm Derek's pleading expression. "I'm afraid I've been sworn to secrecy, with of the risk of losing certain rather cherished organs of mine if I blab, so I can't tell you." he said seriously. "But take it on good confidence that now is definitely not the time to give up man, that much, I can say."

Derek nodded feebly to his friend, all hostility lost, defeat taking its place. "But what do I do Mark?"

Mark looked at his friend questioningly. Derek had spent the last five years looking, but apparently, neither of them had really looked in advance to what would happen if they found her. Mark didn't know what to say. He'd never felt this way about anyone, so as much as he wanted to help, he was at a loss.

Derek continued, voicing out loud the worries that had been stirring in his mind "I mean, she didn't contact for five years" He said, as if only just now coming to the realisation.

Before, with her gone, it had been possible to wallow in fear that she was hurt, unable to contact, but now, it only confirmed her determination to cut all ties….she was completely fine.  
Fine? No, Actually. She was apparently anything BUT fine. The word drilled in Derek's head again.

Recovery.

"What the hell happened Mark? If she was so hell bent on never coming back, then what thing so much worse had to happen for her to do so?" his voice was so full of despair, of anguish so lost that Mark longed to say something, anything that could help. But he couldn't.

Instead, he looked a his friend confused, again not understanding Derek's last words.  
At her request, the general staff had been kept in the dark on Meredith's recovery, so Mark had not been made aware of it.

"What d'you mean, man? If she's back its…"

"Something happened Mark. I don't know what, but something happened. And if its something big enough for her to be back, then its not good."


	18. Ch 18 Battle of Wills

CH 18 Battle of wills

Derek had mixed feelings when knocking on the door of Meredith's office the next morning.

His concerns remained, but his conversation with Mark, not to mention the considerable amount of steam he had let out both in his and Richard's office had pretty much let him come to terms with them. Or as much to terms with them as he possibly could, especially a mere 24 hours after having seen her again.

However, he was still scared, terrified even, of what could have happened to her; and he was still nervous at how she would act towards him, considering both their history of before, and what he'd said concerning her competence as a doctor.

That hadn't changed. Scared. Nervous.  
His arm still remembered the harsh beat of her purse five years ago, as she had whacked him fiercely with it, upon discovering he hadn't signed the divorce papers.

**FLASHBACK**

_"Meredith."__  
__He'd been taken aback by her sudden halt, her flashing eyes digging into his own.__  
__"What?"__  
__Crap. He hadn't really thought this through had he? And she looked like he only had a few minutes to live.__  
__" Oh... I usually just say "Meredith" and then you yell at me. I honestly haven't thought past that point. I actually didn't have anything planned."__  
__That's when she started to whack him. Ineffectual fists my ass. Her arms were certainly strong enough.__  
__"Ow, what is that? Stop it."__  
__"Seriously? Seriously!"_

**END OF FLASBACK**

Yeah. He was definitely nervous. He had it coming. But at the same time, he was rather anxious to see her. As in excited. Quite apart from Mark's comment the night before, that had given him a ray of hope; he was looking forward to working with her again.

More than the fact the entire hospital was raving about just how brilliant she was, still in awe of her spectacular handling of the crisis situation the day before, Derek missed that connection, the professional connection he and Meredith had always shared in surgery. Because, as amazing at it had felt when she was only assisting her, he could only imagine what it would feel like working side by side, both as attendings.

So, he knocked at her door, waiting for an answer. When she failed to reply, he thought she probably wasn't in yet, but tested the door anyway, just in case. He found it unlocked, and couldn't resist the temptation to enter, even if it meant he could now add snooping to the very long list of things he should feel guilty about concerning Meredith Grey.

Her office was surprisingly tidy.

The Meredith Grey he remembered always had things lying around, left haphazard piles of clothes on the floor in her room,…not quite the same level slob as her best friend, but pretty messy all the same. It was a thing you grew out of with military experience, apparently. He could imagine you certainly didn't want to misplace anything in a war zone. It could easily cost you your life.

The walls were almost bare, as her recent arrival and already heavy schedule, despite the supposed recovery she was meant to be on, hadn't left her much time to decorate.  
The only items which clashed with the whiteness of them were her two medical board certifications, in neuro and trauma surgery, stamped with the seal of the U.S. army, as well as two lone pictures, unframed, hastily tacked on the cork board on the wall next to her desk. The first one, undoubtedly taken five years prior, had her and all her friends, dressed in light blue resident scrubs, all piled on op of each other on a gurney in the tunnels of the hospital, laughing stupidly at the camera. They all looked exhausted, but happy. Derek's gaze focused on Meredith. Her sparkling green eyes held the dazzling fire that was testimony to a time before Addison.  
He shifted his gaze to the other picture, and felt a strong sudden pang of jealousy.

Again laughing, Meredith was this time in the company of only one other person in the photograph, the long sleeves of her camouflage gear wrapped tightly around a man's torso as she sat perched on his back. Derek immediately recognised him as Colonel Rivers, the imposing officer that had come to arrange Meredith's transfer. He strained his memory to recall any suggestion of intimacy between the two when they'd met.

Granted, he had jumped to Meredith's defence at Derek's insults, and he had called her "G" instead of Grey, which was obviously a personal nickname, but Derek had thought that to be an attitude taken with all members of his platoon, not just Meredith. What that the case? Or was there more behind this?

Derek shook his head to himself. He had no right to be jealous. Meredith wasn't HIS. He sighed.  
So why did he suddenly feel like going to Iraq and kicking Colonel River's ass? Or trying to. Rivers would undoubtedly crush someone like him with a twitch of his finger.

Derek sighed again before his reflexion was interrupted by the frustrated ramble of the very person he had been so busy studying in the photographs.

"Crap. My damn keys...probably lost them ...fourth day and I already look like an idiot"

Her head was still deep in her bag where she was rummaging for her keys, keys which were lying on the desk two feet away from him, because she hadn't locked her office the night before, a fact that she still hadn't become aware of, despite having just passed the threshold of the room. Derek smiled to himself. More organised huh? Maybe not. It was good to see some things didn't change.

"Looking for these?" he asked, his smile widening at her shocked reaction, jingling the keys lightly in her face.

"Crap."

At that, Derek laughed out loud. "And people say there's no such thing as déjà vu."

She'd been like this, he remembered, for about a week after Miranda Bailey had discovered them together in her driveway, in his car having some pretty hot car sex. Good memories.

And when she had next seen him, she quickly run off with the pretext she was late, simultaneously managing to avoid him. He smirked to himself. She wouldn't be able to run now. Even if she did use work as an excuse, they were in her office. So she was cornered.

Meredith glared at him.

She was not in a particularly good mood. She had not slept all night, and though that in itself, she could live with, used to short sleeping hours in the army, it was the reason for her wakefulness that was a problem. To say that her conversation with Mark Sloan the night before had shaken her would be an understatement. Because now, she didn't know what to think. Because now, her head was full of hopes and dreams and all that gushy mushy stuff she'd promised herself she wouldn't fall into again.

Argh!

It had been so much easier when she could just hate him in peace! Now her head was full of confusing questions. Questions she didn't want to ask herself.  
She had told herself, upon getting to the hospital, that at least, here, at work; she could focus on her job and clear her head. But apparently fate had a different idea, which constituted in making her life hell. Because putting Derek Shepherd in her office only three minutes after she got to work? it wasn't exactly how she'd planned to clear her head.

Derek smiled at her slightly dishevelled appearance. He had to admit she was cute when flustered. And oh so hot in those attending scrubs. Though if memory served correctly, she'd probably be even better without them.

Meredith found herself even more annoyed at the stupid cocky grin that was fixed on Derek's face. Stupid cocky bastard!

"Are you gonna stand there and make fun of me all day, or are you actually here for a reason?" she asked, having gained most of her professional gait again, and definitely all of her attitude.

If possible, Derek's smile widened even more. She was even hotter when she was pissed.  
"Just wanted to see how you were getting along. I would have checked on you sooner, but I was out of town..."

"Check on me?" Meredith asked, outraged. Who did he think he was, her dad?

"Well yes. It's generally what you do as head of Neuro, when there's a new doctor in your department..."

But Meredith interrupted him again. She didn't care if she was being rude. She was pissed at him. And if she didn't focus on the fact she was pissed, she'd probably start focusing on the fact there was nothing she wanted to do more right now, than jump him. So, she'd stick with being rude.

"I'm not in your department."

"I'm sorry?" he asked, slightly confused, "I'm pretty sure you are, what with the neurosurgical degree on your wall and everything."

Ooh, so clever, thought Meredith sarcastically, the genius can read!

"Be that as it may, Dr. Shepherd. I'm not in your department. I'm actually Head of the Trauma department. Or did you miss the sign on the door?"

Derek laughed again. "Well yes, you are. But as a neurosurgeon, you're still connected to MY department."

"Not today I'm not, I'm off neuro today."

"Actually, you'll find you're not. You were supposed to be on neuro yesterday, but got switched to trauma; quite understandably, in light of yesterday's crisis. But I still took the liberty of assigning you to Neuro today."

"Excuse Me?" What an arrogant jackass. 'Assigning her'! She wasn't some stupid intern whose schedule he could mess with! She was an attending for heavens sake! The absolute nerve!

Derek ignored her cry of outrage. "Which brings me to my second question. I was wondering if you'd like to scrub in with me this afternoon, corpus callosotomy at two o'clock"

Meredith hated him. She actually hated him. Because just when the last thing she wanted to do was spend several hours in close proximity with him, he had to taunt her with one of the coolest freaking surgeries in the history of cool surgeries. He was going to cut a guy's brain in half, for crying out loud! Jackass! She felt like a stupid surgery hungry intern. Damn him! Damn him and his freaking perfect hair.

No. No Meredith, you will not think of that right now. Or ever. Focus...

She forced herself to keep as courteous as she could. "As much as I appreciate your offer, Dr. Shepherd, I'm afraid I can't. I have to deal with yesterday's aftermath. Patients to round on..."

"Someone else can do that. I checked, you have nothing pressing in Trauma for the time being. Your residents can handle the rest. It's why they're there, after all."

Meredith started to protest again, but once again Derek cut her.

"Why are you so hell bent on avoiding working with me?".

"What?"

Derek smirked "You know you'll be working under me eventually, so why resist it? Plus, it's an amazing opportunity; you know you're dying to."

He definitely wasn't just talking about the surgery anymore or the surgery at all really. It was clearly about them. He knew he shouldn't mess with her, that he had no right, especially after all he'd put her through, but he couldn't resist. And her embarrassed expression at his innuendo was totally worth it.

Meredith stared at him, blushing. Did he just...?

Judging by the amused expression on his face, he did. Bastard.

"EXCUSE me" snapped Meredith defensively, "this has NOTHING to do with me avoiding you or not wanting to work with you." Liar, she thought. "This is me doing my job. And staying professional about it I might add," she said, both of them knowing she was referring to the sexual undertones of what he had said.

"Uh huh. Right. Has anyone ever told you exactly how bad of a liar you are? You are SO trying to avoid me."

Meredith seriously wanted to throw something at him. "No, I'm not. You give yourself to much credit."

Arrogant ass!

"Than prove it. Scrub in with me."

Meredith snapped. Professionalism be damned. "From what I heard Dr. Shepherd, I'd expect scrubbing in with me is the last thing you'd want. What with me being a no talent screw up the army want to get rid of because I have no experience." Her tone was ice cold, and her voice grew progressively in volume, so that by the end she was practically shouting.

Derek's smile faded; and he shifted nervously on his feet at Meredith's severe and wounded tone. He knew he deserved it. That and more. He could tell he had hurt her pride, but it wasn't only that. It was the fact HE had discredited HER.

"I owe you an apology for that. I had no right to form preconceived ideas on the quality of your work. I'm sorry."

"No, you didn't." Her reply was short and blunt, but he could hear the pain in them. She continued to glare.

His tone was apologetic and yet sincere when he replied. "So prove me wrong. Scrub in with me. Show me I was wrong and that you were right to call me an insufferable arrogant Jackass."  
Meredith looked at him inquiringly.

"Yeah, Mark talks. So does this entire hospital. I can tell you from experience, you gotta watch what you say."

There was absolutely no remorse in her voice when she asked; her words laced with irony "What? So you're expecting an apology now, are you? Did my evaluation of your attitude wound your overinflated ego?"

Derek smiled sadly. Yep she was definitely pissed. It was hot, but more than that it pained him.  
"Just, scrub in. Please."

"Are you actually begging?"

Derek didn't know how to answer to that. "Uh; well..."

"Derek Shepherd, the most arrogant damn neurosurgeon on the west coast begging. Wow." she said dryly, "Never expected that."

Derek didn't answer.

"Fine, I'll scrub in. But don't think this changes anything Shepherd. I'm not a silly intern you can bribe with cool surgeries anymore."

Well actually, apparently, I am.

"I'm still pissed, and that's not gonna change anytime soon."

She paused, "and we're not suddenly friends just because I agreed to work with you. I'd like to keep things strictly professional. Is that clear?"

Clearly his slight joke from before had made her uncomfortable.

Derek smiled. She was actually lecturing him. He was technically her boss, and she was actually lecturing him. "Crystal."

He decided he'd avoid telling her that none of the thoughts currently passing through his mind, though all in relation to her, were in the least bit professional.

"Good. Well in that case; I've got work to do. See you in the O.R."

Derek smiled as he left her office. She'd actually dismissed him.

Just as he got to the door, he turned "Meredith?"

She lifted her head, surprised at his use of her first name. In that same heart melting tone he always said it.

"Yes?" she replied, anxious to keep her voice from shaking.

Seriously? What had she JUST said? Did he not understand what professional meant? Had she not been clear? She was Dr. Lieutenant Grey, not Meredith. Not to him anyway.

"Its good to have you back." And with that he walked away, before she could say anything, quite please with himself.

Something told him this was gonna be fun.


	19. Ch 19 The return of Mcdreamy

CH 19 The return of Mcdreamy

Meredith paced up and down her office, not knowing what to do. She couldn't believe she had agreed to scrub in with him. And it wasn't one of those things; where you think it's a good idea and then you regret it later. Because she had never thought this would be a good idea. In fact it was probably the worst idea in the history of the world.

On some level; she had known she would eventually have to work with him again. It was inevitable. Derek had been right; they were both neurosurgeons, she was in his department; it wasn't difficult to do the math. But she had kind of hoped she'd get around that little obstacle.

It's not really that she didn't want to work with him. Deep down, she knew she did. He was brilliant; and she missed being able to watch him work. She missed being in the O.R. with him. They had always worked well, and she had missed that too. Yes deep down, she probably really did want to scrub in with him.

But that didn't change the fact this was still the worst idea in the history of the world. Because she couldn't.

She couldn't work with him.

She had seen him twice in the last twenty four hours, one of the times only having lasted all of thirty seconds, and had been enough to completely shake her resolve to be a hardass. And now she was suddenly supposed to spend hours with him? She was screwed.

Damn Him.

She'd been uncomfortable during their conversation that morning. She'd been angry at him, but mostly, she'd been uncomfortable. She just didn't know how to be around him. And if that wasn't enough; the conversation with Mark the night before definitely hadn't helped.

Damn it.

She was supposed to be acting like the hard core hard ass brilliant military surgeon she was. Not some pathetic sixteen year old virgin with a high school crush!

"What's wrong now?" grumbled the exasperated tone of her person behind her.

"Wrong? Nothing's wrong. Why would you assume something's wrong? I'm fine" Said Meredith defensively, trying to appear as nonchalant as possible.

"Dude." came Alex's voice behind Christina, "you're so not fine. You look like a train wreck."

"Shut up, Alex."

"As much as I hate to agree with Evil Spawn here," said Christina, ignoring Alex's glare; "I have to agree with Evil spawn. You're a mess Mer. And it's not pretty. Plus, you're pacing."

"I hate you. Both of you." grumbled Meredith.

"Purlease. You love us. So, what'd Mcass do now?"

Meredith lifted her head. "What? Who said this was about Derek? Why do you people always assume its Derek?"

Christina snorted. "Because it usually is Mer. And even if I could think of any other reason for you to go from your ass kicking army self back to the dark and twisty wreck you were before you left, it does give quite a big clue when Mcass starts being all Mcdreamy again."

"What?"

"Its true." put in Alex. "Mcdreamy's back. He was all McMopey while you were gone, but he was practically whistling in the elevator this morning. We figured he'd probably been to see you."

"It was kind of sickening really." said Christina "I nearly barfed on the spot. So what'd you do? Have sex on your desk?"

"NO!" cried Meredith

"Oh yeah? so why's the vomit-inducing Mcdreamyness back?"

"I agreed to scrub in with him this afternoon." Meredith grumbled quietly.

Alex raised his eyebrow. "Is that all? That's fine. Just show him your stuff. Kick some surgery ass."

Meredith sighed. "I can't do it."

Christina snapped at her. "Why the hell not? Get yourself together Mer! Come on. What happened to being all 'stuff Mcbastard, I'm a hardcore surgical goddess'?" where's that attitude?"

Meredith suddenly yelled. "What happened Christina, is his damn tongue."

"What?" cried Alex confused, "I thought nothing happened, ….you kissed him?"

Christina shook her head. "It's what Mer does in her moments of weakness...and insanity."

"No I didn't kiss him, you morons. But I spent the entire twenty minutes of our conversation thinking about his tongue. In my mouth. And that kind of puts a damper on the whole plan to be all 'hard core army bitch' around him! Don't you think? " she yelled, her eyes flashing and her stance suddenly aggressive.

Christina smiled. "There she is. The person I'm proud to call my friend. You've got the attitude back Mer" she clapped Meredith on the back "Now all you gotta do is show Mcdreamy what your made of."

Meredith turned to her "and how exactly do you propose I do that? The damn bastard somehow turns me into a mushy mess of feelings and crap in seconds."

Christina sighed at her, slightly exasperated "You work in the damn army Mer! Surely this isn't as hard to figure out as dodging field fire?"

Meredith grumbled. She knew she was right. It didn't mean she was happy about it though.

"We're here for you, Grey." added Alex firmly, sensing her remaining qualms "Never you fear. We're all here. Right behind you. Always a call away from kicking a certain neurosurgeon's ass if you need it"

Meredith smiled.

At least she had her friends. That was something.

Derek Shepherd was grinning stupidly to himself as he stood at the nurse's counter, filling in a patient's chart. He was conscious of the fact. But that didn't stop him. He was happy.

True, Meredith was clearly still mad at him. And getting her back wouldn't be easy. But he was determined. Mark's words from the night before had certainly given him hope. And his chat with Meredith hadn't gone nearly as bad as could of. He was even rather proud of himself. So he was happy, even if he did look stupid because of it.  
Yes, she was pissed off and he had a long way to go. But she was scrubbing in with him. So he was happy. He was happy and grinning like a stupid kid that just unwrapped a new toy. A fact which people started to notice.

"Why you looking so damn stupid Shepherd? Did you have a lobotomy? Hit your head? Do you need a head scan?"

Derek glared at the source of the voice.

"Miranda, for once in your life, could you refrain from commenting on how I act? You're ruining my happy mood. Let me look stupid in peace."

Bailey lifted an eyebrow. "Well you see, Mcdreamy, I would, except you looking stupid like that reflects badly on this hospital, which in turn reflects badly on me. So ask again Shep; what the hell is the matter with you?"

Derek scoffed at her words. "If you MUST know," he said dryly, "Meredith agreed to scrub in with me this afternoon."

His colleague snorted at him.

"What?"

"You so damn stupid. Let me guess, you think she's gonna fall for your damn Mcdreamy charm over the O.R. table and fall right back into your arms, don't you?".

Derek frowned at her mocking attitude. "Well no, but..."

"Except you do. You're totally expecting to charm her with that overly moussed hair, and that leaning thing you do, but believe me Shepherd, no Mcdreamy charm is going to be enough to get you out of the mess you're in. Not this time"

Bailey shook her head at Derek's suddenly defeated air. What else could she have said? It wasn't like it wasn't true.

She sighed suddenly, and squeezed his arm compassionately "Look Derek, I'm not blind. No one is. I know you care about that girl. But you hurt her. You hurt her bad. And that's not the kind of thing that goes away just because you offered her a cool surgery."

He nodded at her silently.

Her face took on a slight smirk again "Which she doesn't even need you for I might add; she IS an attending, after all."

Derek sighed. "I know I've got a lot of ground to make up for, Miranda, believe me I know. But I want this to work. I need this to work. And I'm gonna have to start somewhere, right?"

Bailey looked at him half sympathetically, half still smirking.

Derek continued "At least I apologised for the comments I made, that's something."

Bailey snorted as her pager sounded. "I got to go." she said as she glanced at. 911. "Probably some damn intern that screwed up again. I'm serious; they get dumber and dumber. Probably because I'm not longer chief resident and don't kick their ass as much"

She turned to him again "While I'm gone, don't you do anything stupid. If you're unsure about something. Stop. Think. Say to yourself: What would Bailey do?"

Derek snorted at her words.

Bailey glared at him seriously before walking away "Don't snort at me, Shepherd, you're gonna need all the help you can get, Mcdreamy or not."


	20. Ch 20 Hour of Doom

CH 20 Hour of Doom

Meredith forced herself to regulate her breathing. She didn't think she had ever been this nervous.

Okay that wasn't quite true. You didn't work on a war front for five years and not have to go through fear unimaginable in any other circumstance. But this was a different kind of nervousness.

She shouldn't be nervous, she knew that. She knew she was a good surgeon. A great one even. But still she was nervous. It was like she was a resident again, fighting for her attending's approval.

After all, he had been her mentor, it was normal she should want to impress him. That and the fact she had to prove his comments wrong.  
She let out a shaky breath again as she scrubbed her hands almost raw. She hadn't been this nervous about an operation since her first solo surgery.

**FLASHBACK**

_Meredith's pulse quickened. She still wasn't used to this. The constant atmosphere of danger. The need to check, every few seconds, that they were well covered, in case of an ambush. She forced herself to keep up with the rest of the platoon. You had to stick together. _

_Always. _

_She looked ahead at her commanding officer. Colonel Michael Rivers. To be honest, the guy kind of freaked her out. In the three weeks since she'd arrived from her six month internship and basic military training in Washington D.C., he'd made her feel like all of that effort had been for nothing. He was always groaning about something she did wrong._

_This was her third excursion from the base, and she was still terrified. She grumbled to herself as the group advanced slowly between the houses of the village. Why the hell had she decided to come here again? Clearly she had lost her mind. Damn you Derek Shepherd! Damn you and your stupid wife!_

_Medical officers usually spent most of their time at the camp, or at the base in town, taking care of injured soldiers and Iraquee civilians caught in the conflict. But the special operatives division she was a part of made her go directly on the field more often than the other doctors, as her platoon always needed someone at the ready in case of an emergency._

_Suddenly a flurry of gunshots pierced the air. "Cover people! Now!" ordered Rivers, and Meredith wasn't stupid enough not to listen. She stuck closer to Wilkins, the senior medical officer, with whom she was working. She was still only a resident, after all._

_A grenade exploded nearby filling the air with smouldering debris, dust and smoke. Moments later, Meredith slowly looked up from the ground where she had dived. Wilkins wasn't anywhere to be seen. She looked around, trying to ascertain everyone's position._

_The whole platoon was regrouping, trying to take cover in case of another attack._

_Nothing._

_For the moment anyway._

_She saw Rivers busy pulling one of the men to the side. They had been caught in the crossfire. _

_Just then, another explosion. _

_Meredith ducked again. _

_By the time she was back on her feet, Rivers was calling her to him desperately. She ran to him and nearly gagged at sight of Jenson covered in blood, his eyes flickering in pain._

"_Do something Grey!"_

_There was a gaping whole in his side, probably from the impact of one of the explosions, as well as other injuries on his limbs, many other injuries.__  
__There was so much blood._

"_Grey! That was an order!"_

"_But Major Wilkins...I'm not qualified...I can't..." _

"_Damn it Grey! Are you a doctor or not? Do something! Now!" Meredith nodded silently._

"_I'll cover you, but do your damn job."_

"_Yes sir..."Meredith's voice shook. She didn't know what to do. They didn't teach you this in med school. She let out a trembling breath. She had to do this. Otherwise he'd die._

_Get a grip Meredith._

_What's your major concern? She asked herself__  
__Blood loss._

_Right._

"_Colonel?"_

"_What!" he asked gruffly._

"_Your jacket. I need something to stop the blood." He took it off silently, still covering her, in case of enemy fire starting again. Everything seemed calm; but the men were checking there was no remaining threat before calling the all clear. The whole thing hadn't lasted more than five minutes, yet everything had gone to hell._

_Meredith ripped at the material and hastily tied off the wounds on his arms and legs. That should stop his from losing too much from his limbs at least. The gash in his side was another story.__  
__Crap, the wound was too wide. She didn't have enough cloth left._

_Not knowing what else to do, she positioned herself on top of him, trying to cover up his unbandaged wounds the best she could._

"_Grey, what the hell do you think your doing?"_

"_I'm TRYING to save his life sir. Like I was ordered to."_

_Her tone was suddenly assertive, more sure of herself. She'd be damned if she'd let herself be bullied for doing her job. After all, she was the one with the medical degree, wasn't she?_

_The rest of the platoon gathered round them. She waited anxiously for Wilkins to get there. He could do more than her._

"_All clear sir."_

_Oh thank god._

"_Everyone here?"_

"_No Colonel." said a man she recognised as Corporal Parker, a few feet away from her "Wilkins is down sir. I checked. It was too late."_

_Meredith froze in panic. NO! Damnit! Crap, Crap,Crap.__  
__But she couldn't lose it. She couldn't. Focus on your patient Meredith. Forget the rest. You can't freeze now. Focus on your patient, he's your priority.__  
__She shifted her position slightly, to cover more of him. Whatever they did, they had to get back to the camp soon. Or Jenson would die. And she wasn't going to let that happen._

_She listened at his chest for breath sounds. _

_Nothing ._

"_Crap!"_

"_What is it?" asked Rivers, turning back to her. They had been preparing to head back. That was good news at least._

"_He's not breathing." His lungs needed air. Now. But this wasn't exactly the...suddenly, she knew what to do. Even if it was crazy. She had no choice. _

"_Anyone got a pen?"_

"_Yeah. Why? asked Watson, curiously, as he handed one to her._

"_I need to intibate." And under the shocked gazes of the platoon, she started to._

"_With a pen!"_

"_I use what I have colonel. And if we have the all clear, we have to go now. Because he's not gonna last much longer if we stay here. And I can't move. You'll have to move us like this. Fast." Her tone was still slightly shaky, but determined. Rivers nodded curtly. _

"_You heard her! Now get to it."__  
_  
**END OF FLASBACK**

That had been one of the scariest moments of her life. The first time she flew solo. It wasn't exactly an operation per say, but it had felt like one. And she had lead his emergency surgery on their return as all the other Medical officers were either busy operating on their own patients or out on the field. She sighed, remembering Mike's words afterwards.

"You did good 'G'. Especially for a rookie."

That's when he'd first given her that stupid nickname.  
She smiled. She could do this. There wouldn't be any grenades or gunfire this time.

She was Dr. Lieutenant Grey. She could do anything.


	21. Ch 21 High on Surgery, High on Love

CH 21 High on surgery, High on love

Derek was surprised by how confident Meredith looked when she stepped into the O.R.

Granted, he'd already witnessed enough of the demeanour of authority and control she was demonstrating since her return to know that the army had definitely changed her, made her more assertive. Her perfect handling of the crisis situation the day before spoke for itself.  
But after her reluctance to work in with him that morning, he hadn't quite expected her to burst into the O.R. like she owned the room.

Especially considering that however much HE had insisted they work together, and however much he was looking forward to this, he was extremely nervous himself. He had been particularly shaken at the realisation moreover, that the O.R. they were operating in now was the same one as their last surgery before her transfer.

The surgery where he had informed her of his decision to stay with Addison, the wretched decision that he judged was responsible for ruining his happiness. So he was nervous. And expecting Meredith to be as well. But apparently, or so it seemed; she was absolutely fine. In total "kick-ass no nonsense military surgeon that is ready to rock any surgery" mode.

And that unnerved Derek a little.

First of all because on some egotistical level of his mind, he was rather hurt that working with him didn't seem to affect her as much as it did him. And also because, as well as all the personal crap between them, the last time he and Meredith had scrubbed in together, she had been the intern, and he had been the expert. But now, she was an attending.

It was a change he embraced; he wanted her to have a brilliant career, and he was thrilled at her success. But all the same, it was a bit daunting, all that had happened since then. She was his equal as a doctor now.

"Dr. Shepherd?" she said, her voice steady. "Are you ready?"

He smiled "Always Dr. Grey."

He was struck by the sparkle of excitement that shone in Meredith's eyes as she took her place on the other side of the patient's brain while the scrub nurse fitted her with loupes and a head set. He didn't think he had ever seen anything so breathtaking as Meredith's passion for surgery. If only she could look at him like that...

But now wasn't the time to think about that.

"It's a beautiful day to save lives everybody, lets have some furn. Dr. Grey, if you would do the honours?"

Meredith looked mildly surprise at his offer she make the first cut, but nodded curtly before extending her hand out to the assisting nurse.

"Ten blade."

As Meredith made the first cut, Derek felt his pulse quicken slightly. Here we go!

-

Two hours in to the surgery, and everything couldn't have been going better.  
Derek shepherd was in complete and utter awe. He had heard how good Meredith was from his colleagues, but even he was stunned by just how extraordinarily skilled she was proving to be.

More than the stifling talent she had evidently inherited from her mother it was Meredith's personalised technique, the rapid fluid movements of the scalpel that seemed to dance in her hands that made her truly remarkable as a surgeon. Watching her work was absolutely amazing.

He remembered her statement, after their first surgery together, with Katie Bryce; that she didn't know why anyone did drugs, because surgery was such a high in itself. And watching her work, it was clear that that high was still there for her, that this wasn't just a job. Anyone could tell from looking at her operate that she was soaring, and it was a spectacular sight to behold (as well as quite a turn on if Derek was being honest). And Derek could tell from his surroundings that he wasn't that only one who felt it.

Interns, nurses and attendings alike watched in silent awe, the entire room and the gallery above spellbound by the pervading atmosphere of silent majesty enveloping them.

It seemed the entire hospital had gathered to watch this surgery. Doctors that had been unable to free their schedules before the start of the surgery stood uncomfortably in the Gallery above, not wanting to miss anything, even if it meant stiff backs and legs later for standing hours on end without moving.

Down in the O.R., place was scarce as well. The few interns that had been allowed to scrub in were slightly cowering under the glaring gazes of their colleagues above, jealous that they hadn't gotten a chance to observe the operation up close themselves.

All in all, there had been several reasons for the attraction. Word had quickly spread, through the ever gossipy rumour mill of the hospital, that Derek Shepherd, the well respected, renown Head of Neurosurgery was finally scrubbing in with the new transfer he had so violently slandered behind her back. Whispers had started to emerge, as well, about their previous relationship, when one of the old nurses had realised that the brilliant military transfer was none other than the poor fragile intern that had gotten caught up in Dr. Shepherd's messy marriage. And others were just in awe of watching these two brilliant surgeons operate together, the general admiration only increasing when it became clear how well they worked together.

The connection was staggering. Each seemed to read the other's thoughts on how to proceed rather than need words to express them, and the coordination of their skilful movements as they both worked on their patient's brain, made the whole thing look more like an art than a surgery.

The entire experience was so powerful however; that it was getting to the point of interfering with Derek's focus.

If he was honest with himself, he had no idea how he had made it this far. Standing at such a close proximity to her for the first time in so long, close enough to breathe in the overwhelming lavender of the conditioner in her hair, to feel her breath tickle his skin, was leaving Derek anything but unaffected. Feeling the familiar tension rising in the muscles of his thighs, Derek was suddenly very happy that the lower half of his body was concealed by the operating table. He could feel the sweat slowly gathering at his temples and down his neck, as an intense heat started to engulf him despite the rather cool sterile air of the room.

No, this couldn't go on. Derek shook himself slightly and tried once again to focus on the organ before him, instead of the bewitching presence at his side, but not to much avail.  
It seemed his hands were struggling not to shake, his pulse throbbed loudly in his ear, and he struggled to keep his breathing in check.

He was so in hell right now. But, oh how sweet hell seemed from where he was standing...

Dr. Shepherd was completely unaware however, of similar concerns arising in his colleague's head only a few inches away.

The truth was, despite her calm, professional demeanour, Meredith had never felt such a confusing sensation of drugging thrill and raging lust as she did now, under the combined influence of her surgery high, and the presence of Derek Shepherd at her side.

She had definitely been right in foreseeing that their connection would be even stronger than during her internship. She had never felt this amazing in her entire life as she did in this moment, and that realisation scared her to death. And now, because of it, she was definitely having trouble concentrating.

As always when he was near her, her heartbeat was rapid, and her cheeks flushed. The hairs at the back of her neck stood on end, constantly alert. A warm heat enveloped her, and she wanted to do nothing more right now than to melt on the spot. Preferably in Derek Shepherd's arms.  
Suddenly, acting on instinct her gaze shifted; chancing a glance at him.

Oh crap.

That was a mistake. BIG Mistake. Stupidest thing she had ever done.

Because as their eyes crossed, she was immediately struck by the depth of his bewitching gaze, digging relentlessly into her soul. And his eyes, always a deep sapphire blue, had at this moment a slightly darker shade in them, the same shade they had used to take when he was aroused. And it definitely didn't help with her concentration.

Derek gulped at the flash of desire he thought he had seen in Meredith's eyes. But it couldn't be. As he tightened his grip on his scalpel, forcing his concentration on what his hands were doing he reasoned to himself. It couldn't be. He was imagining things, caught up in his own whirlpool of lust. She was pissed at him, quite rightly so, not looking at him with desire.

He sighed quietly to himself. He was gonna need a cold shower after this.  
His breath hitched as he caught another gush of Meredith's scent.

Make that several.  
-

Up in the gallery, a concerned George O'Malley turned to Christina Yang, and whispered quietly to her, so as to avoid being overheard "how long do you think Mer and Shepherd are gonna have eye sex over their patient's brain before one of them snaps and jumps the other?"

Christina snorted.

"I don't know Bambi. But it's getting a little preoccupying." She paused smirking slightly. "Though I must admit, I didn't think she had it in her, eye sex over a patient's brain. Hot. Just when I think she's boring, she rises."

George scoffed at Christina's comment. "I hardly think it's intentional, Chris. Look at her face, she's completely flustered."

Christina frowned thoughtfully, playful mockery gone taking in, like her friend, the slight flush that garnered her person's face. To the unknowing eye, it would have appeared inconsequential, but they were her family, they knew who she really was under her protective shell.

"In all seriousness though, we have to watch out for her O'Malley. We can't let McAss screw her up again."

George turned to her again, as if hesitating to say something.

"What?"

"I just...I may have threatened him to watch his back." he admitted reluctantly, as if expecting her reaction.

Christina fought the urge to laugh but her face gave away her hilarity. George O'Malley threatening Derek Shepherd? This she wished she could have seen.  
"What d'you say?" she asked, interested, and still vaguely amused.

"Told him if he ran Mer out of the country again, we'd kill him."

"Good." said Christina curtly, serious again.

George hesitated. "Though, you know Christina..."

"What?"

"Do you think...Do you think he really loved her? Shepherd? Or do you think he was playing her?"

Christina looked thoughtful for a minute as if unsure to answer honestly or how she wanted to, which was by bashing Derek. "I don't know O'Malley. But what I do know is he hurt Mer bad. And her life wasn't a freakin' walk in the park to begin with. I don't think I can ever forgive him for that whatever his intentions were."

"But do you think, ...do you think there's a chance he could make her happy? Even now?"

Christina looked at him sceptically, to which George added "I mean, I know he's a jackass, but just look at them Chris. Do you seriously not see something there?"

Christina gazed down in the O.R. and reluctantly admitted to herself that George was right. The intensity of whatever was going on between the two was undeniable. She sighed.

"Honestly George" said Christina, addressing her friend by his first name "I think Mer loves him too much for her own good. It's my opinion he's a sorry excuse of a man and Mer should castrate him for what he did. But you know her; she doesn't see the world in black and white. Never did. She believes that good people do bad things. So I wouldn't put it past her to cave, however much she's fighting it now."

"And you don't want that?"

"I don't know O'Malley!" she cried frustrated. "I don't want my person hurt again."

"But if there's a chance it could make her happy?"

"I'm too scared it will break her again." she replied honestly. George looked at her sadly, understanding and sharing her concern.

"You know," he said eventually, "you should give Mer more credit Chris...she's a strong person."

"She is." admitted Christina "probably the strongest person I know, though if you tell her I said that Bambi, I'll kill you. But she has one weakness George, one kryptonite. She's hopelessly in love with the damn bastard." and the two once more fell into silence, contemplating the scene before them; and wondering what they were going to do.

Most of the observers in the gallery had been and were too absorbed in the surgery to catch the hushed conversation between the two residents, all remaining impervious to the matters discussed focused instead on the medical miracle that was taking place in the OR below.

But George and Christina, remained unaware of the curious eyes and ears of the person directly behind them, taking in everything of their whispered exchanges.

As their conversation ended, Mark Sloan backed slightly in his seat; likewise returning his attention to the surgery below, smiling slightly to himself. If her closest friends were this concerned on how affected Meredith was, than this was going to be easier than he thought after all.


	22. Ch 22 No Regrets

CH 22 No regrets

"Hey Joe." Meredith called cheerfully, despite the headache enducing whirl of thought plaguing her brain. she had missed him. "Long time no see."

At the sound of her voice, the startled bar tender looked up from the glass he had been drying, and gave her a wide smile of surprise. "Meredith! I haven't seen you in years. They said you weren't coming back."

Meredith smiled gently. "Oh Joe, I couldn't deprive you of your best customer for ever, could I now?"

Joe chuckled. "So what will it be then? Couple shots of tequila for old time's sake?"

Meredith laughed. "Tempting, Joe, I must admit. But No, I'll just have a beer tonight."

"Meredith Grey settling for beer. I never thought I'd see the day..."

Meredith's giggled again, and her eyes sparkled as she replied "I vaguely remember someone telling me once, that straight tequila leads to regrets in the morning;…so this is me being reasonable."

Joe lifted a sceptical eyebrow. "Reasonable huh? So what's this "reasonable" version of you been up to these past years. Life was getting dull without you here."

Meredith smiled. "I can imagine that. And to answer your question, I'm currently on leave from the army. I got enlisted when I left."

Joe's expression turned to shock. "You quit surgery for the military?"

Meredith giggled again. "Hell no. I'm a medical field officer. First lieutenant."

Joe whistled in admiration. "So your back at the hospital then?"

Meredith sighed. "For the time being anyway, until I receive orders to return."

"I know that sigh. It's the "either my boyfriend, either my boss is giving me hell" sigh; which knowing you, sounds just about right."

Meredith glared at him, which only made Joe laugh harder. "Oh come on Meredith, humour me. So which is it?"

"Neither really. Definitely not a boyfriend, I don't have any. Thank god for that. As for the boss thing..." she paused.

Her mind flashed back to the short conversation in the scrub room after the surgery. And that shock. That burning shock that had surged through her, down to her very core. She shivered at the memory of the feeling.

**FLASHBACK**

_Meredith breathed a sigh of contentment mixed with relief as she stepped back from the table and headed to the scrub room. As amazing as that had been, professionally and very, very personally, she had to get out of there._

_Torture. Pure torture. That's what this had been._

_She had been halfway scrubbed out when his voice startled her._

"_I was right to apologise. You were right to call me a jackass. That's some fine skill you have Dr. Grey."__  
__He sounded sincere, yet his voice was slightly shaky._

_Meredith turned to him, forcing a smile. "Thank you "_

_And before she knew how it happened they were shaking hands and she heard herself say "It was a pleasure working with you today Dr. Shepherd."_

_From the moment their skin had made contact, the world had seemed to shift. Electricity coursed through both of them and flashes flitting in and out of their minds of intimate memories came raging back clearer than ever. It was the first real contact they'd had since then, since the before. Meredith shivered at the intensity of the feeling, and hurriedly left the room.__  
_  
**END OF FLASHBACK**

Joe lifted his eyebrow in interest, waiting for her to continue,  
"…well I don't know how I feel about that yet. And he's not strictly speaking my boss. I'm an attending now, head of a department actually, so…."

"So why the sigh? And the face?"

Meredith sighed "Just a long day I suppose…"

That was an understatement she thought. Her day hadn't actually been bad, not really. One part of it had really been very, very, good...but it was bad that the person she didn't want to feel good about made her feel really good.

And horny.

That, that was bad. Really really bad.

Bad. And now she even her auto lecture sounded dirty. And all these thoughts were exhausting her.

Great.

So yeah, you could say it was a long day. But, no tequila. She wasn't planning on getting drunk. Not tonight.

Joe smiled at her kindly. "We all have those days.

"Yeah" said Meredith thoughfully. "I suppose we do."

But she couldn't help but wonder why all her days seemed to be like that as soon as she found herself less than three thousand miles away from a certain neurosurgeon. His presence near her seemed to turn her brain to mush.

-

At the other end of the bar, the very same Neurosurgeon was watching her avidly, only half aware of his best friend's attempts to engage him in a conversation, concentratrating instead on her beautiful figure, and the occasional musical giggle he had come to adore.

Mark Sloan let out a sigh of defeat. "Look man, if your gonna be this obsessed with her all night, then just go up to her for god's sake. I have the impression I'm talking to a brick wall here."

Derek turned back to his brother. "And say what exactly Mark? 'hi I've been an unbelievable jerk and broke your heart but I'd like to try again' ? Pur-lease. I know you said she still loves me, and I really want to believe you're right, but she made it quite clear she doesn't want to be anything more than professional."

Mark looked at his friend. Derek couldn't give up now, not now that he was sure of Meredith's feelings for him. And he be damned if he was gonna let Derek get in the way of him getting the two back together.

"Derek, I don't THINK Meredith still loves you, I know so."

He shook his head slightly. He couldn't tell Derek Meredith had basically admitted it to him in person, because he'd promised her he wouldn't; and he didn't think he should bring in the conversation he'd overheard during the surgery, but he knew he had to say something to convince his friend.

"I'm serious man. And considering the pretty intense double-sided eye sex you guys were engaged in all through surgery, I'd say the entire hospital would tell you the same thing."

Derek flushed slightly. "It was that obvious huh?"

Mark snorted; "Dude, it couldn't have been more obvious if you'd jumped her right there and then."

Derek glared at his friend; "Thanks for that Mark" he said sarcastically"really, Thanks."

Marked grinned at him stupidly. "It's what I'm here for man."

Derek became serious again. "and you really think she was in it too?"

Mark sighed. "I swear Derek; she's good at keeping her cool, that's true enough. But she looked like she could just about devour you."

Derek looked at him uncertainly, his countenence full of vulnerability. Mark continued "so, now that we've established that, we need to move on to other things."

Derek looked questioningly at him. "Like what?"

"Like getting your sorry ass over there and talking to her. I mean seriously man. If you were this chicken the first time round, how the hell did you get her laid on the first night."

Derek glowered at his remark. "I was a bit out of it at the time, to tell you the truth. What with my best friend having screwed my wife in my bed and all."

Mark looked at him sheepishly, which made Derek's face soften slightly, before he went on, the bitterness slowly dissipating from his tone. "It's just,… my only concern when I went to the bar that night was to get drunk and forget about it all. I didn't PLAN anything. It just happened."

Mark looked at him carefully.

And after?"

"What do you mean after?"

"Well if she's all acting all 'we can't be buddies, lets be professional' now, I can't imagine she was in a hurry to jump back into your arms when she found out you were her attending. It couldn't have looked to good for her as an intern. And yet, you two got together. So, I'm asking. What happened?"

Derek leaned back in the booth. Mark had a point. Meredith had indeed initially been less than enthusiastic at the idea of starting a thing with him. And yet, as Mark said, they'd ended up together. After seemingly endless poking and prodding, and chasing her all through the hospital, he'd broken her resolve.

Mark caught the look of realisation in Derek's face. "What?"

"I may have chased her a bit. Well, a lot actually. Wouldn't take no for an answer. I might have bordered on stalkerish now that I think of it. It's just….I couldn't get enough of her." He gave his friend a soft smile, "still can't really."

Mark straightened up, clapping his friend violently on the back "see man, you know what you have to do. Just chase her crazy again. If she wasn't able to resist you then, she won't be able to now."

"I hadn't broken her heart then."

Mark nodded sadly. "Look man, I didn't say it would be easy. But you have to do this. You can't give up. Not when you have the best chance of being happy you've ever had. It won't be easy but nothing worth it ever is. It' right there in front of you for the taking. So just take it."

Derek looked at his friend suspiciously. "Why's this so important to you anyway? Two days ago you were hitting on her, and now you're insisting I get back with her; what's in this for you?"

He was surprised by the sincerity and seriousness in Mark's voice when he answered. "Derek, I know you've forgiven me and that we're past it, but I betrayed you with Addison. And ever since, you've been miserable. And even before I'd met Meredith, hearing you talk about her all the time, I knew she was what you needed to be happy. You deserve to be. So quite apart from the fact that having now met her, I think she's perfect for you, I guess this is just a last attempt to fix my stupidity. And man, seeing you since she's returned, I know I'm right. Because even with all the crap that's there, with your complicated history and all, ….I haven't ever seen you like this. Not about anything, not about anyone. Even with Addison."

Derek nodded. "Especially with Addison."

He sighed. Mark was right. Meredith was his best chance of happiness. And he didn't want to go through anymore of the regrets that had been plaguing him for the last half of a decade. This was his second chance. So if chasing her till she caved was the way to get what he wanted, then that's the way he'd go.


	23. Ch 23 Mother Knows Best

CH 23 Mother knows best

Mark was reasonably pleased with himself when he got home to his apartment late that night. He thought he had managed to get through to Derek. If he made sure his friend didn't give up hope he was pretty sure he could fix all this. He smirked to himself. Mark Sloan reformed man-whore turned love doctor.

So absorbed was he in his own self-congratulary bubble that he didn't even check the caller ID on his phone before answering, that same bubble quickly being punctured when the angry voice on the end of the line reached his ear.

A voice he recognised.

"Markus Jeremy Sloan! "

Oh Crap! He knew that tone. That tone meant nothing good. In fact, it meant a lot of bad, bad things.

He was in trouble.

"Hi Mom."

"Don't you 'Hi Mom' me, young man! "

Yep. Definitely trouble.

"Can you kindly explain to me why I haven't had a word of news from either of my ungrateful sons since they disappeared off to Connecticut? And while Derek's only been back from his sister's for two days, and so has half an excuse, you've had over a week to call me! You should be ashamed of yourself. You could have been dead for all I knew."

Mark smiled slightly. He knew he was in for a lecture, but it was still heartwarming all these years later that she cared enough about him to get this pissed at him. Especially since his falling out with Derek, and by extension, all of the Shepherds, when he had slept with Addison. She still considered him like family.

"I'm sorry, Ma. I've been busy. Lots going on..."

Carolyn Shepherd snorted at the other end of the line. "your idea of a busy week, my dear boy, is to run after a parade of unsuspecting usually un-single girls who can't keep her knees closed, and..."

"You make it sound like they don't know what they're walking into" grumbled Mark defensively. "Its not like I bribe them with dreams of marriage and multiple midgets."

His foster mother sighed deeply. She loved her second son, really she did, but she would never understand his attitude towards women.

"You have the emotional maturity of a horny fifteen year old Mark." she sighed resignedly "so who's this one then?"

"Ma, there's no one really, I've just bee..."

"...busy. I know. And I don't buy it. And you should know better Mark. Really. Lying to your mother. Have you no shame? You have that same guilty voice you had when you were eight, and you tried to put Derek's favourite frog in the microwave."

"Hey! I didn't actually turn the microwave on!"

"Mark."

He sighed; there really was no point trying to hide anything from her. This woman had practically raised him. Taught him right from wrong.

"Fine, there is a woman, Ma. But it's not what you think, really, I swear."

"Oh really?" Carolyn Shepherd asked amused, and unconvinced.

"Ma, I mean it" he said seriously.  
"It's Meredith grey. She's back"

On the other end of the line, Carolyn Shepherd froze.

She had never met the woman whose name Mark had just announced to her on the phone. But over the last five years, she had come to know everything about her there possibly was to know. The most important being, that her son was undeniably, irrevocably in love with her.

**FLASHBACK**

_"Mom!" cried Derek Shepherd, gazing at the woman in front of him "what are you doing here?" _

_Carolyn Shepherd smiled sadly at him, very much affected by his gaunt appearance, pale skin and shadowy eyes.__  
__"I thought you might need a bit of company. From what I heard you need it."_

" _Derek groaned. "What has Mark been saying now?"_

"_He's just concerned dear, we all are."_

_Derek scoffed. "He has no right to be concerned Ma, I don't owe him anything."_

"_And what about me dear?" she had asked, slightly more defensive "don't I deserve to know how my son is doing, after six months with barely a word?"_

"_Ma, no guilt trip please, I not in the mood..."_

"_Derek dear," she said taking his face gently in her hand " we just want to help, Mark included, just tell us what you need."_

_Her son looked at her hesitantly, before letting out a defeated sigh "I need HER, Ma"_

"_The intern?"_

_She'd heard there was an intern involved somehow, but wasn't too sure on the details. No one was._

_Derek cringed at the word. "Meredith." he corrected softly yet firmly. "Her name's Meredith"_

_Carolyn nodded._

"_That's who you've been looking for?" Mark had explained that too." _

_Derek sighed in exasperation "yes she is, but the entire thing's useless. I've looked everywhere Ma,she 's disappeared."_

_She looked at him carefully. "She really matters to you, Derek, doesn't she?"_

_Derek turned to face his mother. "I love her." _

_Carolyn searched his expression, but could tell he meant it. Whoever this mysterious person was, she was obviously important to her son.__  
__Pulling him to sit on the couch, she placed her arm on his shoulder..__  
__"What happened Derek?"_

_Derek sighed dropping his face in his hands in his own despair._

"_I made a mistake ma. I made a mistake and I lost her"_

"_So, you did have an affair? When you left New York, I mean" there was no accusation in her voice, she was just trying to understand, make sure she got the facts right._

"_It wasn't an affair Ma. I know it. I know I was still married, and that somewhere, I should feel guilty, but I don't. It wasn't an affair. She...I love her. She's the love of my life." and looking sadly at her son's tearing eyes, never having met the girl herself, Carolyn shepherd didn't doubt him in the least.__  
_  
END OF FLASHBACK

"Ma?"

She gradually recovered from her silence. "Sorry dear. It's just...Derek found her? Derek finally found her?"

"Not found her really. She kind of found us. She's the new transfer. We ran into each other on her first day here actually. I had no clue who she was of course...

Carolyn's heart sank.

"Oh Mark; please tell me you didn't sleep with her!"

"What? No! Of course not! Why would you even say that?"

"Mark."

"Fine fine. I hit on her. Twice."

"Markus Jeremy!"

"Yeah yeah I know. Except in my defence, I didn't know who she was. And she's damn hot. Not that you needed to know that. But she rejected me anyway. She only cares about Derek"

Carolyn lifted her eyebrows "She told you that?"

"Hell no. The poor girl's in complete and utter denial. If you think she broke him Ma, it's nothing compared to what he did to her. But it's obvious enough to me. And that's saying something. I'm generally the clueless one."

Her heart almost broke at the thought that these two people apparently so much in love could be responsible for causing each other so much pain.

"How's Derek?"

"I'm not sure Ma. In one way, he's better than I've seen him in years. But he's worried about something. Something to do with Meredith. I don't really get it. Something about recovery. And they have a lot of personnal stuffto get past. It's not like they're going to fall in each others arms any time soon. I have my hopes though"

Carolyn nodded. "Maybe I should come to Seattle..."

Mark's voice interrupted her immediately  
"Ma DONT YOU DARE! This is already enough of a mess. Derek doesn't know which way's up and Meredith just got back. We can't scare her off yet."

"Mark that's no way to speak to your..."

"Ma I'm serious. Promise me you won't come. It's too soon. Trust me on this."

She sighed. "Fine. I won't come for the moment. But in the mean time, you better keep me up to date. Or I'll be in Seattle in a flash. Is that clear?"

"Yes Ma. I'll keep in touch. I swear. And I'll tell Derek to call."

"He'd better. That threat applies for him too."

Carolyn Shepherd had never been particularity fond of Addison Forbes Montgomery. She was kind, beautiful and evidently intelligent, and yet Carolyn had been convinced since the day she met her former daughter-in-law that she was entirely wrong for Derek.

So the break up of her son's marriage, though it had pained her for Derek's sake, had not altogether come as a shock or tragedy to her.  
No, it was the break up of her family that Carolyn had been worried about.

Ever since she had opened her door to the lonely little boy Derek had brought home from school, the two had become inseparable, and Carolyn had considered she had gained another son, whether or not Mark Sloan shared her DNA.  
But when she had been woken up, at four in the morning nearly six years ago, by a panicked phone call from her eldest daughter, informing her that Derek had up and left his entire life: wife, practice, part time job at the hospital, house...upon finding said wife in bed with his brother, that had been threatened.

For weeks on end no one had heard a word from Derek. He had all but disappeared.  
And Mark, who none of the family were talking to anyway, had kept his head down low, so that the head of the Shepherd family had all but giving up hope of things ever returning to how they were.

So naturally, when Mark had called her six months later to say he was moving to Seattle to give Derek much needed support, Carolyn had been overjoyed; albeit temporarily. That feeling had quickly been replaced with anguish at the news of her first son's complete break down.

Everyone had assumed at first, naturally, that it was in direct relation to his divorce, but the coming to light of certain information had revealed this wasn't the case. Not directly anyway.  
No one had really known, apart from Derek, the full account of what had transpired between his leaving New York and his filing for divorce in Seattle a mere thirteen weeks later. And even months after, when Mark had moved and they had expected more information, things had stayed unclear.

At that stage, all anyone had known, -from what little Mark could tell them, as the two brothers had not yet reconciled,- was that Derek was apparently far more broken than Mark had ever seen him- including in the time that had followed his father's death- and that he was desperately searching for an intern by the name of Meredith Grey.

Here, information communicated to Nancy via Addison had said the intern in question had been a slutty girl taking advantage of Derek's position as an attending to advance her career.  
This had later proved completely false, however, as it had turned out the relationship with said intern, while brief, had definitely not been a fling, and her departure to make way for Addison had been the determining factor in precipitating Derek's breakdown. It had also been, at Derek's own admission to his mother later on, the only thing that had pushed him to any sort of reconciliation with Mark.

So now, after hearing that the person whose disappearance had caused so much trouble was finally back, she knew she had to do something. And Carolyn shepherd was a woman of her word, so as much as she wanted to, she knew she couldn't go to Seattle. She had made a promise. And that meant there was only one thing left for her to do.

She'd promised her son she wouldn't go to Seattle, so she wouldn't.

But Mark hadn't said anything to her about his sisters.


	24. Ch 24 Nothing you can do

**Okay so bad news, probably won't be able to update as regularly in the next day or so for this fic, sorry! leaving for the weekend and i'm not sure there's any internet connection.**

**luv,**

**ano**

* * *

CH 24 Nothing you can do

Meredith looked up, startled out of her charting by the sudden placement of a steaming cup of coffee right in front of her. She was even more surprised and a little annoyed moreover, at the discovery of the one responsible for placing it there.

She had taken the resolve the previous night at Joe's not to let herself be affected by Derek Shepherd. That resolve was going to be difficult to keep however if he kept popping up everywhere she went: her office, Joe's (oh yes, she had felt him, staring at her all night), and now apparently, the nurse's station. Couldn't he pick one place and stay there?

"Dr. Shepherd, can I do something for you?" she asked as composedly as she could.

"No, not really, just wanted to say hi. Exchange a few nice words with a colleague. Offer a nice warm coffee to start out the day…"

"You got me coffee?"

Had she not asked they share no more than a strictly work-related relationship? She couldn't go through more. Not again. She'd thought he understood that. Apparently not. Or if he did, he didn't agree, and was ignoring it. She didn't put it past him. He'd had a frustrating habit of nagging her until she caved in the past. Why was it as soon as she took a resolve he did something that threatened it?

She sighed slightly. Colleagues didn't get each other coffee. Suck-up interns did, to scrub in. Friends did, out of solidarity for the exhausting day ahead. Boyfriends did. But he wasn't her boyfriend.  
So, what the hell?

Derek chuckled slightly at her confused yet completely adorable air, before he replied "That's generally the intention when you place a steaming cup of rick black coffee in front of someone." he sighed at her continued silence and confused air. "Unless you're some sadistic ass who takes pleasure in pretending to give away coffee before taking it back. But that isn't what this is."

Meredith looked searchingly at the coffee, then at Derek, shifting her gaze between the two.

"You know, you can drink it. I didn't poison it or anything."

Meredith looked at him suspiciously. "Oh I know that. What I don't know is, as we've established you're not trying to murder me with it, what the hell are you trying to do?"

Derek frowned. "What do you mean?"

"This coffee clearly isn't a coffee."

Derek's frown deepened. "I'm sorry Dr. Grey, I'm really trying my best to follow here, but you're not being clear. You think this coffee's not coffee? How so?"

Meredith huffed. "Smart ass!" She ignored his joking reprimand that that was not the way you addressed a boss. At this point, she didn't care. Plus he wasn't really her boss.

"What I meant, was that it's clearly a lot more than coffee. For you, it's something else entirely: you're trying to do something. Ulterior motives and all that crap."

Derek looked at her, seemingly hurt and confused at her accusation. "Me? With ulterior motives? No! I would never do such a thing."

Meredith snorted. "It's never nothing with you." She looked seriously at him and poked him hard in the chest. "and let me tell you , Derek Shepherd, I'm not having any of it. So whatever you're trying to do, stop."  
Derek grinned at her.

"What?" asked Meredith, exasperated. She clearly wasn't getting through to the arrogant bastard. Stupid cocky smile!

"You're cute when you're pissed."

Meredith's frustration morphed into a full on glare.

"See now you're doing it again. You know I can't resist you when you look that adorable."

Meredith couldn't believe this guy. The nerve. The absolute nerve!

"Excuse me! But you have no business commenting or reflecting or whatever on my adorability or whatever."

" 'Adorability'? Is that even a word?" he chuckled

"Shut up."Her glare was still there, firmly etched on her face. Grabbing the coffee, she, thrust it back into him fiercely, nearly spilling it over his scrubs. "and you can take your damn coffee back, I don't want it."

Derek looked slightly hurt and slightly amused at her action, but didn't let the former deter him in his mission: get Meredith to like him again, trust him again. Step 1 coffee. So far not without obstacle, but he thought he could get there.  
"It's a shame really. I got your favourite."

Meredith looked at him, torn between being touched that he remembered how she best liked her coffee, and the urge to dump said coffee on top of his head. She forced her tone to stay cold.  
"However well intentioned of you it was, dr. shepherd, to get me coffee, I can assure you that it was completely unnecessary, and that had I wanted a coffee, I would have gotten one myself. Which I didn't. Want one I mean. Which isn't relevant really, but…."

She paused as she caught him chuckling again. "What?"

"You're even more adorable when you ramble."

He was actually grinning. The stupid ass was GRINNING AT HER. And god, that grin was hot.  
Damn it!

She shook her head. No she would not let this idiot's innate sexiness get the better of her. He was the enemy. The sexiness was just a weapon.

Strategy.

"Are you deaf? Mentally challenged? Did you not understand a word I said? I think you should probably get a consult."

"It's no use Grey, I've been telling him that since the day he started out here" came a voice behind her. "but to no avail. He's still as dumb as ever. I personally think its something in those damn hair products of his."

Meredith snorted while Derek groaned.

"Well if that's the case, Miranda, he should stop using the crap, and leave us the hell alone;"

"I don't think he could Grey. Those hair products are for him what a GI Joe action figure toy is for a five year old. Just ask my son, he never goes anywhere without that stupid doll."

"You do know that I'm standing right here don't you?"

"Yes, Shepherd; but I find you slightly annoying. And apparently, Grey here agrees. So we're talking to each other instead."

She turned back to Meredith "what did the genius do now?"

"Got me a coffee I didn't ask for, and didn't want. certainly not from him anyway."

Bailey chanced a glance at the coffee still clutched in Derek's hand. "I see." She looked between Meredith, Derek, and the coffee. "Well then, if it's all the same to you, I might like that." And she promptly took the coffee out of a powerless Derek's hands. "You're gonna have to try harder if you want to get her back Mcdreamy. That was pathetic, even for you."

As Bailey left, Meredith froze, and turned to Derek, who's gaze had suddenly shifted to the floor. "That's what this is?" She asked quietly, her heart staring to pound "you're trying to win me back?"

Her heart felt elation, fear, anger, hope, disbelief and pain. But predominant in all that, was anger. At him for making him feel all those things, and herself, for letting him.

Derek looked up at her, shifting nervously "no, no, it's just a cup of coffee" for the moment, anyway, he thought to himself. But by the looks of it, he didn't need to say it out loud, because Meredith wasn't buying it.

"but you are though. You think you can get me to fall for you again." Her voice was progressively becoming louder, and her tone angrier.

Damn Miranda bailey, why couldn't she have kept her mouth shut.

"You just do whatever the hell you want; however the hell you want, without any consideration but your own, regardless of the hurt you bring to people along the way. I told you, I specifically told you I could no more than colleagues. But you don't listen. You never do. And now you expect me back? I can't believe you! You just never give up!" she paused slightly to suck in a breath, before continuing her rant.

"This is why I didn't want to come back. Hell this is why I left in the first place. I just….I can't….I can't breathe around you!" she gasped.

The tone of her voice had quickly slipped from anger to despair, her voice cracking as she tried to hold back to sobs that were forming in her chest. All the emotion she had been holding in around him in her office and the scrub room in the last days, hell, even in the last five years came soaring out. Derek had barely started his "win Meredith back" project, but already, he had been affecting her. Every pulse of her veins and beat of her heart seemed to feel it.

That thing that he did to her. And she hated it. Hated it because she could feel how much she wanted it. But she couldn't. Not again.

This was just too much. She couldn't, didn't want to deal with this.

Derek's heart ached at the surge of repressed feelings, the mixture of pain and anguish that contorted on her face. He knew they were all because of him, what he'd done to her.  
He didn't fully realise, however, that they were also symptomatic of what he was DOING to her now.

"Meredith…"

"No." she gasped, "you don't get to say anything. You don't have the right…."

All her restraint, professionalism, control…all of it vanished. And in those few minutes, triggered by nothing more than him handing her a cup of coffee, her greatest fear realised itself; she had let herself fall into exactly who she was before se left. With others, the hospital, her peers, even Richard, she was fine. Together. She had gotten her life back. Around him she broke down instantly.

That strength in the O.R.? A sham. Yelling at him right now? It wasn't an in control reprimand. It was a desperate plea for all this ending, that he would just STOP, let her go. Because the truth was, deep down, he didn't need to try and win her back, as she had never really managed to break free from him in the first place.

"Meredith please, just listen…" his voice was pleading, desperate, and he was clearly suffering himself from the hurt he was causing her, seemingly almost as destroyed as she was. But Meredith wasn't having any of it. He didn't get to feel bad. He didn't get to justify himself. He didn't get a chance to take her back. He'd made his choice, and now….they BOTH had to live with it.

Under Derek's mortified gaze, her glare was suddenly flooded by angry tears, and the sobs she had held back earlier came of their own accord.

"No. I won't listen. You don't get to say anything to me. When I met you, I thought I had found the person I would spend the rest of my life with. So all the crap of my childhood? All the humiliating successive tequila induced one-night stands; they didn't matter, because I had you. You left me, you chose Addison. I'm all glued back together now. You don't get to try and take back what you broke. There is no we. And really there never was."

Her own heart broke as she said these words, remembering the feeling that it had all been a lie, that she had only been the other woman. "So please, Derek, please, just leave me alone."

Her words hit him like a slap in the face. He hated that he did this to her. That it had come to the point where she physically couldn't be around him. Her chest was heaving, her face red with frustration and stained by tears.  
"Meredith, I never meant to hurt you."

Meredith shook her head, her voice suddenly calmer. "But you did Derek, and nothing you do is ever going to change that. So just stop trying, please."

Once again her voice had changed, now defeated, as if not strong enough to continue. She felt drained enough having said that to him. She didn't want to hurt him, she couldn't: she loved him. But this, this was too much even for her.

All for a simple cup of coffee. It was almost frightening how quickly things had unravelled.

And with that thought, she did what she had always done best, she ran off, running from her fear and her pain, running away from the one person that deep down, she knew she wanted to be running towards, running away from Derek Shepherd.


	25. Ch 25 His Greatest Fear

CH 25 His Greatest Fear

Two weeks. Two weeks had gone by since Meredith Grey had come back into his life, and Derek had no idea what the hell he should do.

From a certain angle, he supposed it was simple enough. He was madly in love with her. She was the love of his life. He wanted to marry her, have children with her, and ultimately, when they were both old and grey, die peacefully in her arms at the age of one hundred and ten.

But then, things got much more complicated.

It wasn't even that she didn't love him. Because apparently, that she did was blatantly obvious. For Mark anyway. But in this case Derek was going to decide to trust his friend, because things were complicated enough without him doubting that.

Oh, things were complicated all right. And it didn't help that Meredith had apparently become an expert in avoiding during her five years in the army, a feat that she had not been without talent in before. Sure, there was only so much she could manage to avoid him considering they both worked in neuro, and he was head of the department, but she managed pretty well all the same. It had only taken her a day to switch all her shifts in Trauma to coincide with his schedule, so that she was in neuro when he was free.

When she was on-call, even if he wasn't able to see her too much -unless by chance they were on the same case-, things weren't as bad, because he at least knew where she was, and her operating in neuro during his free time enabled him a lot of opportunities to watch her operate.  
But the rest of the time, Meredith might as well have been a ghost, or never come back to Seattle in the first place.

This was facilitated for her by the fact she was also no longer an intern, which made it harder to request her, and to expect her to have to answer his every page.  
If she was busy, or pretending to be, she could easily send someone else, with the only exception of 911 pages. But these usually meant there was no room for social hour anyway, as they signified there was an emergency to run.

Having modified her schedule, it had only taken her one more day to grasp the initiative of not eating in the cafeteria, and when she had seen him circling her it, her office as well. He made it a point to leave steaming cups of coffee there every morning, just the way she liked it, but usually ended up seeing it half an hour later, almost empty, in Miranda Bailey's hand, sharing the fate of all the other cups of coffee that had preceded it.

Derek was spent, anguished and at a loss of what to do now. Their encounters, painfully scarce, were all too brief and yet of such intensity that each second of them left him reeling for hours afterwards, unable to collect himself and focus on his mission to get her back.  
Even now they haunted his memory, every detail etched permenantly on the walls of his troubled mind, each sensation experienced amplified tenfold in the confines of his brain…

**FLASHBACK**  
_  
__Derek sighed as he entered the elevator._

_He had a rather challenging surgery to prepare for in about an hour, but his thoughts were entirely elsewhere. He had only seen her twice in the last few days, once being only a glimpse of her from afar as she rushed an emergent patient to the O.R. The second had lasted a bit longer, but had not gone well, her eyes avoiding his own, her voice quavering slightly, her responses short and detached, ignoring any attempt from him to establish that connection that came so naturally between them._

_He stood there shaking his head in exasperation and anguish at her blatant desire of disassociation from him, watching absentmindedly in his meditaion the elevator door starting to slide shut. Just then, an arm slid through blocking the closure of the elevator car, and a voice, the voice that was music to his ears, rang in the small space_

"_Hold up!"_

_Barely seconds passed, and he heard her breath hitch, no doubt at the realisation of who she would be sharing the ride with, the atmosphere at once stifling and tense._

_As their looks crossed for the briefest of moments, he caught, amid her watery exhausted eyes the regret at it being too late for her to exist the elevator. He had wanted to resist, contain himself, offer her one moment of peace from his inexhaustible attempts to get through to her. But he couldn't. She was there, in front of him, gorgeous despite her pain, despite her obvious emotional fragility. Her messy pony tail, the slightly stained dark blue of her scrubs- probably from the exertion of the morning in the ER-, her slightly sagging limbs...all lent to her an ethereal beauty, like she was about to disintegrate altogether, blown away in a wisp of smoke._

_But even with that, she was as intoxicating as ever._

_He could not stop himself. From behind where she had settled in the middle of the car, he advanced to stand at her shoulder, barely the breadth of a hair between them; the warmth of his unsteady breath tickling her neck. He was so close; he could hear the pound of their hearts, seemingly in sync, adrenaline more than blood pulsating through their veins._

_So close yet so far away._

_He couldn't take her in his arms as he ached to do so. He couldn't wrap himself around her and huddle her to his chest, tracing soothing circles on the smooth plane of her back. He couldn't turn her around with a firm and gentle hand, and lean over to cover her mouth with his own, letting his tongue sensually explore the inviting moist cavern behind her soft lips. The physical proximity yet invisible barrier between them tortured him; unable to feel her soft warm skin under his palm; the frantic vibration of her rapid pulse resonating throughout her being as he held her._

_Unable to stop himself, he leaned his mouth down near her neck, and in the low husky voice that had always been his for her, spoke gently in her ear._

"_I miss you."_

_Her breath, already significantly altered, had constricted, and he had felt the shiver of her discomfort spread to him. He couldn't see her face, and he knew she would not turn, but he did not doubt she was crying. His own eyes were misty with unformed tears._

"_I can't"_

_The statement, spoken in a slightly wavering voice, was followed by a deep exhale of equally wavering air, as if just getting those two words out had cost her unimagable effort.___

_And then almost as abruptly as it had begun; the endless elevator ride came to an end, the fateful ding of the door opening interrupting the bewitching tension of the parallel plane of existence they had just been in.__  
_  
**END OF FLASHBACK**

He hadn't been surprised since then, to remark her absence in the elevators, or even to glimpse her hurried entrances and exits in the the stairwells all day long, their having evidently been integrated to the long list of places she was now avoiding.  
But it was different with the elevators. They somehow made the apparent gulf between them seem all the more insurmountable.  
Elevators, which in his mind, and he was certain, in hers, had always been a part of them. Of who they had been together.

Mark frowned at his friend's face etched with worry. Already knowing the answer, he still asked

"What is it man?"

Derek looked at Mark Sloan as if from afar, tone distant and weary when he replied half heartedly, yet in a voice full of aching emotion

"Meredith."

It was always Meredith.

Mark gave him a sad smile. "You can't give up man. You can't."

The reformed man-whore had lost track of the number of times he had repeated those words to Derek in the last few days. But he himself was starting to despair at the situation. Derek was, if possible, even more broken than during her disappearance. He knew he had to do something but couldn't think what, especially since Derek, the main party concerned, was at a complete loss himself.

"I'm not" Derek answered, voice still weary. "I can't. I need her."

He sighed dejectedly, his breath revealing mixed anguish, sadness, love, and vulnerability. Derek might be turning Meredith into a mess, but the situation was reversed as well.

There was her mysterious recovery, for one. He didn't know what to think about that. What it could mean. What could have happened. Before, when the military transfer had been a nameless face, it had hit him professionally as a threat to his department, taking on a surgeon that clearly wasn't on the top of his game. But when it was Meredith, it hit him personally. To his very core.

Then, there was the fact, inevitable, that having come to recover, she would eventually leave. Whether or not he managed to reconcile with her, he was set to lose her all over again. He didn't think he had the strength for that. But he knew there was no point going against that, nothing could stop him from waiting for her, even if she left, if it all came to nothing. And then, lastly, irrevocable, there lay the third concern. His third fear, his greatest fear.

He would wait for her. But could he really expect her to wait for him?

He shook his head.

"What?" asked Mark again, sensing the resurge of active torture in his brother's agitated mind.

"I'm scared, Mark" he said honestly, after a while.

Mark looked at him, startled. "Scared, of what?"

"That it's too late. That I'll be too late."

He shook his head again and downed the last of his scotch, mourning his glass' emptiness. She wasn't even here at Joe's. A part of him felt that would have been too easy, but it felt wrong. Joe's was where she went when Derek screwed up. Or was in the past anyway.

"I'm not giving up. Never will. I'll wait forever if I have to. But..."

His voice stilled, still hesitant to admit the thought to his friend, to himself even, afraid that voicing it out loud would hit him with a fatal blow.  
Mark was patient, and gently encouraged his friend on, seeing the difficulty yet absolute need to confide his troubles to someone.

"But?"

Derek sighed, half addressing Mark, half ranting to himself, asking questions with no answers.

"I mean, what if;…I'm ready to wait. All my life if I have to. But…" he struggled with his next words "what if while I'm waiting, someone else comes along?" he shuddered at the thought, finally letting it out, letting Mark know his deepest fear; the fear that had driven him to want to get drunk.

Mark looked at his brother as if he had grown two heads.

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. And my job constitutes in teaching interns."

Derek glared. "I'm serious Mark." He thought back t that picture he'd seen in her office, her and Rivers, laughing. The jealousy raged in him again, a violent heat tearing at every inch of him, amplified by the alcohol he had just ingested. "What is there's already someone else?"

The bile seemed to rise to his mouth, the thought of any other man with her. Kissing her, touching her…his face contorted in disgust and he felt sick to his stomach at the thought. "I can't stand it Mark, and the worst part is, there's absolutely nothing I can do about it."

He laughed bitterly. "I can't do anything, because I have no right. I broke her. If I can't fix this, if I'm too late, it's my fault. I'm scared to death that she'll move on and it'll be my fault." His voice once more filled with anguish as he concluded "And I don't know if I can live with that"

"Man you can't think about it right now. You have a lot to make up for, yes. She's a complete mess and she doesn't want to love you right now, but she does. She wouldn't be trying so hard if she didn't. But I can assure you Grey isn't looking anywhere else. However much she won't admit it, she only has eyes for you."


	26. Ch 26 Escape

CH 26 Escape

Meredith reluctantly pushed the door open.

It was the third time in the space of two weeks that she had come, and while the previous visits had been neither pleasant nor particularly successful in alleviating the stress she had been accumulating at the hospital; they at least got her away from Seattle Grace. It was far from ideal; yes; but it remained to some extent an escape.  
And Meredith knew she would have had to come here eventually.

She hadn't had to deal with or see her in five years. She would have had to at some point. After all, first class bitch or not, Ellis Grey was still Meredith's mother.

As she pushed the door forwards to let herself in to the main lobby, Meredith gently rubbed against the twinge of pain that had suddenly surged in her abdominal muscles on her left lower side, causing her to wince strongly. Placing firm pressure over the sore area which harboured her slowly healing wounds, Meredith could feel the pain subside considerably, or at least to the point where it was no longer physically crippling her.

But unfortunately, the agonising pull in her overly tense muscle that had become familiar to her recently did not disappear completely, and she was left with an uncomfortable dull throb in her lower stomach.

Apparently, overstress and fatigue accumulated in the last twelve days were not conditions propitious to creating the much needed serenity and relaxation Meredith's body demanded to make a complete and rapid recovery. Forcing herself to ignore the residual ache in her side, Meredith; stubborn as ever, focused instead on the matter at hand.

Dealing with Ellis Grey was never an easy feat, and required extra concentration. Something which severe lack of sleep and through the roof anxiety did nothing to help with.

Indeed, Meredith was not sleeping well. Almost not at all really. And to be frank, she had been used to it to an extent in the army, but then she hadn't been fatally injured and trying to recover from multiple gunshot wounds. The reason for her lack of sleep, moreover, was different to what she was used to.  
In the army, a soldier eventually integrated the possibility of ambush or orders in the middle of the night to his lifestyle, and became somewhat reconciled with it, however unpleasant it was. Nights in the war zone were never overly long anyway, and eventually became a habit, part of who you were.  
But here, in Seattle, there was nothing that could reconcile Meredith to the reasons for her sleep deprivation.

They were easy to identify really, just harder to actually deal. They went by the name of Derek Shepherd.

Meredith shook her head to herself. This couldn't go on. It was a simple as that. Added to the fact she just wanted, needed to get on with her life and forget about him (and his stupid adulterous ex-wife), she didn't know how long she could physically keep up with what this whole thing was doing to her. Miranda Bailey had nearly skinned her alive at the results of her blood sugar and blood pressure levels a few days prior; the loud resonating cry of "Damn foolish girl!" still echoing in the back of her mind.

The extremely low first had been caused by loss of appetite, and the over the top second, overwork and stress, combined to her previously mentioned sleep deprivation. But what was Meredith supposed to say? That she couldn't eat because the anxiety of seeing him around every corner made her lose her appetite? That she overworked to avoid the curse of free time in which his alluring image would plague her mind again? That she couldn't sleep because for all the tossing and turning she did in her bed trying to get comfortable, she couldn't shake the memory of the overwhelming safety of his arms in that same bed, or the tossing of both them together, intertwined in each other, consumed in the throes of passion.

She couldn't say all that. Because quite apart from the fact saying all that would mean admitting it to herself, Meredith already felt herself teetering on the brink as it was, and she knew that confiding in someone would inevitably break the dam. And that couldn't happen.

Heading towards the front desk, that was presently unoccupied, Meredith willed herself for the millionth time to strengthen her resolve. Derek Shepherd was nothing to her. He was a blip on her radar; she didn't give a d...

Oh who was she kidding, she couldn't even convince herself. Damn perfect dreamy neurogod with the stupid hair!

She rang the visitor bell to wan of her presence and went back to the thoughts of the last weeks.

Yes, this situation couldn't go on. She was even starting to worry herself. Quite apart from the fact she would never get back if she didn't recover, she was tired (literally) of feeling like crap. She sighed. Another set of people who were definitely worried about her were her friends. That had been simple enough to notice. they weren't exactly being discrete in their reactions. Nothing had been said exactly, but everyone knew to some extent that it involved Derek.

Alex and surprisingly enough, George, had both turned suddenly macho protective on her ass, and scared away anyone likely to piss her off, whether incompetent interns at work or no so subtle drunks hitting on her at Joe's.  
Izzie had reverted to her primal nature, and spent every waking hour away from the hospital preparing, baking and decorating batches and batches of muffins, cakes and breads in a rather unsuccessful attempt to cheer Meredith up, as well as get her to eat something.

"We're here to cheer her up Barbie!" Christina had yelled "not make her diabetic!"

Ah, Christina. She was acting the strangest of all. Meredith was half convinced her true person had been abducted and murdered and that she had been left with a badly made copy. The usually ever sarcastic young woman had reverted around Meredith to a silent stance of quiet support, abandoning her natural snarkiness for the time being, at least towards Meredith. The worst reaction in her friends, however, had no doubt been the unexpected call he had received the previous evening.

**FLASHBACK**

_Meredith half-heartedly picked up the phone as its seventh ring was heard in the living room, taking the receiver in her hand and dumping herself heavily on the couch like a sack of potatoes.___

_"Hello? This is Dr. Lieutenant Meredi..." her tone was lacking in determination, and her entire demeanour seemed to want enthusiasm. She shifted abruptly in her seat however at her Colonel's voice on the phone. Her colonel, and not Micheal, because he was definitely not calling her for a social call right now. This was a military call, and he meant business._

_"Yes, I know who you are G. What I didn't know is that along with your wounds, your recent trauma seems to have affected your brain."_

_Meredith knew better than to answer. First of all, usually if you did, it made them even angrier. Also, she knew it would be quicker this way.___

_"Tell me Lieutenant, were you not given direct orders upon starting your leave?"___

_Meredith forced herself to reply steadily. "Yes sir."_

_"And pray tell me; Lieutenant, what those direct orders were?" his voice had turned lower and calmer now, exuding that false sense of security Meredith now knew so well. This wasn't good. She wasn't out of the dog house yet, not by a long shot.___

_"I was told to obey civilian orders at the hospital sir, as well as act in accordance to recovering from a battle wound."___

_"Indeed." His voice still dangerously low, a bitter element added to it. "And tell me Lieutenant, do you consider yourself exempt from following direct orders from your commanding officer?"___

_His voice was louder again.___

_"No Sir."___

_"Then can you explain to me" he suddenly yelled " why I have just received a report from a certain Dr Bailey informing me your condition is degrading; not improving, and that you are in no way taking care of yourself?"___

_Meredith gasped in shock and protest. "You're having me babysat? she asked outraged "I'm not a silly child!"___

_"Then start acting like it! "_

_"It's ridiculous..."_

_"Orders are orders Grey. You would do well to remember that. As wall as your place when addressing a superior officer. I could have you suspended for insubordination."_

_Meredith felt the sting of his words. She knew she was right, she was out of line, but this wasn't fair. She also knew Mike's was an empty threat, that he was only angry, probably because he was worrying, but she forced herself to calm down anyway.___

_"Of course sir. I apologise sir. It won't happen again."___

_A long moment of silence passed, and when he spoke again, his tone was calmer, having resumed a more friendly, brotherly nature, though still laced with deep concern._

"_G..." he paused, as if hesitant and possibly regreeting his outburst of a few seconds ago. "You know I wouldn't do that... but seriously? You're meant to be taking care of yourself there. I'm worried enough as it is... I can't do anything myself from here, G." he nearly pleaded. "So please be careful, take care of yourself."__  
__Meredith nodded, as tears of exhaustion and frustration spilled from her eyes uncontrollably. She was glad he couldn't see her. She couldn't bare his look of pity. _

"_Oh G, don't cry. Please"___

_Okay so much for the not seeing her thing. "How did you..."___

_Micheal sighed slightly.___

_"G, I've known you for over five years. You weren't answering. I know how to recognise your silence of tears."___

_She shook her head.__  
__"It's not fair Mike. How can you still be able to read me over three thousand miles away, without even seeing me?" _

_Micheal chuckled sadly. "When will you accept it, Meredith Grey, I know you like a book. You're as good as my sister. All I need is the slight shift in your breathing, and the ever so slight shakiness in your voice, and I've got you. You might have excellent military training in controlling your emotions G, but I taught them to you , they're useless against me." _

_Meredith snorted, pondering that they were useless anywhere in the perimeter of Derek Shepherd as well apparently, where she needed them the most. The sound didn't go unnoticed by Mike._

"_What is it G? What's going on?"_

_Meredith sighed, debating on whether or not to answer him, but ended up by caving. She needed to tell someone._

_"I can't recover here Mike. It's been Hell."_

_Mike didn't answer at once, having a feeling he knew what this was about, but he needing confirmation before he said anything._

"_Is it him G? Is this about Shep..."_

"_DON'T say his name." Interrupted Meredith desperately, the slight quaver in her voice deepening. "Please. Mike...I can't"___

_Micheal Rivers was shocked at the sudden transformation in the usually strong Meredith he knew. He had never known her quite as much of a mess as this. She had already had six months to move on from Derek Shepherd when she had first joined his platoon and hadn't quite been as broken as upon taking that first plane from Seattle to Washington DC.___

_"What happened Mer?" he asked quietly, switching to her more personal nickname. She didn't answer. He suddenly flared up incensed. _

"_He didn't hurt did he? because I swear to God, G, if he so much as...I'll kill him!",___

_"No!No! He would never hurt me" protested Meredith violently. Not like that that anyway,she thought; at once refuting what Mike was insinuating.___

_And it was true. However much Derek had cause her agonising pain in all the time she'd known him, she knew down to her core he would never lay a finger on her.___

_Mike seemed to calm down, but his concern persisted. "But he did, didn't he," he asked "Not physically G, but he hurt you again?"___

_Meredith sighed deeply. "He just...he wants me back Mike... and I can't...I don't want...I don't know what to do."___

_"G, listen to me. I don't know exactly what he did then, and and don't know what he's doing or did to you now. But he hurt you. So he sure as hell doesn't deserve you. Its okay for you not to want this."___

_Meredith cried out as if intense pain. And indeed,at his words, the gasps of her uneven breathing caused her abdomen to double up in intense agony.___

_"But that's just it Mike, I don't want to want it...but I do. I can't stop loving him..." her words came out in gasps, and Micheal Rivers wanted to do nothing more than hold her in his arms and comfort her as she cried softly on the other side of the planet; leaving him powerless._

_Derek Shepherd had better watch out, because if he ever lay his hands on him...___

**END OF FLASBACK**

Meredith shook her head again. What she would do without Mike. Without all of her friends; her family...

She turned to the counter again. Foster family anyway. Ellis Grey was a different matter entirely, however much it pained Meredith to acknowledge.

"Lieutenant Grey?" came a voice behind her, filled with confusion, interrupting her revery "You're here already? We didn't think you'd be here so quick, Martha even said you didn't answer the phone at your home..."

The head nurse's voice trailed off as she saw Meredith's look of utter confusion.

"I'm sorry, what? I'm just here to see my mother..." her own voice trailed off, sensing from the woman's expression as well as a pervading feeling in the now tense air, that something was wrong.

"Oh God Dr. Grey, You didn't hear?"

"Hear what?" the young surgeon asked, anxiety and annoyance now kicking in. What the hell was going on?

"It's your mother Lieutenant. She fell and hit her head unconscious. We called the ambulance ten minutes ago. They should be arriving soon. We had her attending neurosurgeon paged at the hospital..."

This time, her voice continued to talk, but Meredith's brain stopped hearing the words, no longer registering them. Her mind shifted abruptly to a parallel world.

could not be happening. Not now. Not today.


	27. Ch 27 Big Girls don't cry

CH 27 Big girls don't cry

**FLASHBACK**

_Her tiny hands shook as she used them to pull herself onto the kitchen chair she had pulled up in an attempt to reach for the phone. Five year olds generally weren't big, she knew, and it seemed she was particularly small, even for her age. Wiping furiously at the tears streaming down her face Meredith chided herself_

"_Big girls don't cry Meredith. Babies do. And people who are weak ordinary. That's what mom had said. She couldn't cry."_

_Mommy had been crying though. When she'd come in the kitchen, mommy had been crying. Even though she said not to. She'd come down at the noise of the commotion in the kitchen, going to see what was causing the scuffle, while clutching her Anatomy Jane doll tightly to her chest, frightened at the inhabitual disturbance._

_And then she'd seen her mother with the big kitchen knife, the one daddy hadn't let her get near, sobbing to herself. She'd talked to Meredith then, the little girl remembered. But the words hadn't mattered after. As soon as her mother's eyes closed, she knew she had to do something.__  
__Meredith had cried out when her mother had stopped talking and dragged the edge of the knife over one wrist, then the other. She was only five, but her mother's job consisted in slicing people up with a scalpel...she knew what sharp blades did to the skin._

_Nearly tripping over her dress in her panic, she had grabbed the washcloth hung next to the sink and quickly pressed it to the gaping slits in her mother's arms, sobbing for all she was worth._

_Big girls don't cry._

_That's when she had gotten up and headed for the phone. She needed to call 911. Whatever Ellis had said.__  
__Her hands still shaky, Meredith reached for the phone, and dialled the number. _

"_Please pick up, please pick up..." she had covered her mom's arms the best she could, just like she had seen her do millions of times before, but she knew that everything wasn't just going to be fine. If there was one thing Meredith Grey had learnt early in life, it was that things were never just fine._

"_Seattle Fire Department. Please state your emergency."_

_Unable to stop herself, Meredith let out a tiny sob. The voice on the other end of the line shifted at the sound of the little girl._

"_Who is this? what's going on?"_

"_Its my mom." said Meredith, voice shaking. She had to be strong. Not weak. _

"_Lots of bleeding...She's not okay. I can't wake her up. I'd shake her but your no 'apposed to risk a patient gedding worse." _

_Despite the constant wiping of her tears, they continued to stream down her face, causing her to sniff uncontrollably.. The previously formal, business like tone of the woman of the phone was replaced by a gentler one. _

"_All right sweetie. Is there anyone with you? Your daddy maybe?"_

_Meredith's heart clenched. She didn't know where her daddy was._

"_He's not back yet. Mom sais he's not coming back and that its a good riddance."_

_The woman on the line paused for a second. "Any other adults?"_

_"No, just mom. There was Patricia, but she left an hour ago." _

_Meredith didn't like Patricia. She treated Meredith like a baby. She much rather be alone than hovered over by her nanny. But right now in this moment, she would give anything for anyone to be there, even if it was Patricia._

"_Okay sweetie. I need you to be brave for me, OK? Don't hang up. We'll get an ambulance on the way. Where do you live?"_

_Meredith carefully repeated the words her father had taught her a few months back, speaking as distinctly as she could in her terrifeid child's voice_

"_64 Harper Lane, Queen Anne Hill, Seattle"_

"_Ok, I"m gonna keep talking to you until they get there, all right?"_

"_No."_

_Meredith might be five, but she was smart, and she spent her days in a hospital. "I gotta try to stop the blood some more. Once I made the 'mergency call, I have to go back."_

_The voice hesitated. "Ok then sweetie, do you know where the loud speaker button is?"_

_Meredith answered in the affirmative, and pressed it before quickly rushing back to her mother. _

"_Mommy? can you hear me?" _

_She knew she had to talk to her, try to awaken her senses. She took her tiny hands and placed them as firmly as possible on the clumsily bandaged cuts on her mothers' wrists while the voice in the phone continued to speak, trying to reassure her_

_Lying down on her mother to make her task easier, Meredith continued to cry. Huge splatters of blood were quickly flowing on her lavender dress, tarnishing her dress, coating her face and matting in her hair._

_She hoped she wouldn't get in trouble, mom had specifically said not to call mother's words drilled through her mind. _

"_Don't make my mistakes Meredith. Be extraordinary. I raised you to be extraordinary. Don't let yourself depend on anyone. Be strong."_

**END OF FLASHBACK**

Meredith shifted uncomfortably in her plastic seat from inside the ambulance, holding Ellis' hand tightly. They hadn't let her come last time. Social services had taken her away, dragging the blood drenched little girl away from the unmoving body of her still unresponsive mother as she cried bitterly.  
She clutched her phone in her hand. She hoped Christina would have had time to arrange everything.  
A single tear marred her pale face, and in her mind a soft childish voice, lost from twenty-five years ago chided her softly.

"Big girls don't cry Meredith. Be strong."

Christina Yang paged her former fellow interns as she came out of the chief's office. He was busy himself with organizing the next Board meeting, as well as under complete shock about her revelation of Ellis' disease and he'd told her to handle the situation herself, especially since Meredith had named her responsible for her mother's care during her absence in the army.

Pacing impatiently in front of the nurse's station, Christina let out a sigh of relief at her three friends arriving together.

"What's up Yang?" asked Alex annoyed. His hair was slightly ruffled and his face flushed, his labcoat firmly pulled closed over his scrub pants. Apparently she'd interrupted a booty call.

"Luckily for George and I, we were charting so a 911 call doesn't have us missing out on anything too...pleasurable."

Izzie explained with a sly glance at Alex. "It seems Dr. Fields and Alex were...otherwise engaged when you paged" as she gave Alex a knowing smirk, George snorted.

"Shut up Barbie." Alex growled. He turned back to Christina, his annoyance doubling when he saw she had no patient with her, despite the fact she did look agitated. "What d'you want crack whore?"

Yes horny unsatisfied Alex wasn't particularly charming.

"Shut it Syph boy." Chris bit back. "It's Mer."

Alex's face lost all anger to worry; an expression followed by the other two residents.

"Why? What happened?" cried out Izzie, face blanching.

"Its Ellis. She hit her head unconscious at the home, they're coming here to see what's going on. I talked to the chief. O'Malley, as your on Mer's service, you've been instructed to reschedule all her non emergent patients, and refer the others to other attendings. Izzie and Alex, one of you has to get to the trauma bay in case they get here, the other has to schedule imaging tests asap."

"What are YOU doing?" Alex enquired.

Christina sighed. Her task definitely seemed the least appealing to her, but all in all, if anyone was gonna have to deal with him, it might as well be her. Maybe then she could finally give him a piece of her mind.

"I'm taking care of Shepherd."

Alex raised his eyebrows in fury, his fists clenching at his side.

"Shepherd? What the hell does he have to do with this?"

"What he has to do with this, Evil spawn, is that ever since Ellis' been admitted to the Alzheimer's trial, McAsshat's been her treating neurosurgeon."

George's head flew up. "But what about Mer? Will she..."

Christina sighed. "I don't know Bambi. I really don't know. But we're gonna have to deal with this one as it come's along. The chief's calling to have the VIP wing prepped. More privacy."

The others nodded, before each headed on their way rapidly.  
Christina shook her head to herself. Why did this always happen to Meredith?

-

"Dr Shepherd?"

Derek lifted his head at the only marginally respectful voice interrupting his craniotomy, and was surprised to find himself gazing at Christina Yang. Possibly the person he suspected liked him the least in the world, Meredith's other friends following closely behind. What the hell could she want?

"Dr. Yang" he greeted her curtly, "I'm afraid I'm rather busy at the moment. If you would wait two or three hours for me to be done here, I'll be sure to..."

But Christina interrupted. She wasn't here for social hour. This was business.

"No. You're not. Your done here now. I've paged Dr. Nelson to replace you."

Derek raised his eyebrows in outrage. Despite the crap he had put her best friend through, Yang had no right to talk to him like that, who the hell did she think...

"Dr Yang" he started again, his voice cold "I will remind you that I'm an attending, and cardio resident as you may be, still your superior. Now get the hell out of my O.R. And Altman will be hearing about this."

"Yes SIR" she replied, putting as much disdain as she could in her tone. "However, the chief of Surgery, cocky insufferable over moussed hair lying jackass of a neurosurgeon as YOU may be, is YOUR superior, so you are done here."

And before he could reply; she was already out, waiting for him in the hall, needing to get away from him as much as possible, even if only a few seconds.

Throwing the paper towel from his speedy scrubbing out furiously into the trash, Derek joined her, looking at her in contempt, nearly running into Nelson as the latter went to scrub in in his place. They headed down the hallway together in hostile silence, and it wasn't until they got into the elevator, that he spoke again

"You might be sent from the chief Yang, but you still have no right to speak to an attending like that, much less a head of department."

Christina turned on him fiercely. "You don't scare me, Shepherd. And right now you're not my boss. We're in an elevator. That's your specialty isn't it? Mcdreamy moments in elevators?"

"Dr. Yang."

"Right now your not Derek shepherd, world class neurogod, and I'm not Christina yang, low class cardio fellow. You're the guy who screwed up my friend, pushed her to enlist in the army nearly getting herself killed, all because he couldn't keep it in his pants when he found his whore of a wife screwing his best friend."

Derek felt the sting of her words, conscious that they had truth in them. This was the reason Yang and he generally avoided each other whenever possible.  
He felt also a pang of fear at Christina's mention of Meredith 'nearly getting herself killed' wondering if her statement had been a general one or if she had been referring to a particular incident.

In the meantime though, he wasn't going to let himself be trampled on by a junior cardio fellow, whoever her 'person' might be.

"You have no idea what you'r..."

Christina turned on him; poking him in the chest. "Really? Really? I don't know what I'm talking about? Sais the douche who broke her heart and expects her to come running back in his arms five years later, just because he's ditched his whoring wife? Really?"

Derek decided to change the orientation of the conversation, knowing he'd get nowhere on Meredith.  
"What's going on?" he asked gruffly.

"VIP patient. One of yours."

Derek frowned. "I don't have any regular patients."

"Yes you do." Christina replied firmly. "One. And up till now her condition's been stable. But she fell this morning, and lost consciousness when she hit her head."

Derek turned to Christina again, confused, but realisation dawning when he caught her air.

"Ellis?" he asked hesitantly

"Oh geez" started Christina sarcastically "Brain man has a brain after all."

She knew she shouldn't be blatantly disrespecting him like this, but she was worried, tired, and pissed. At Ellis as well as him in truth, as they both contributed to making her life hell. But Ellis had an incurable fatal disease so it wasn't ethically correct to be pissed at her.

Derek ignored her agressivity, his voice having lost its hostility, being replaced by vulnerability and concern.

"How's Mer holding up?"

The combination of the tone, the sad puppy Mcdreamy eyes and his outrageous use of her more familiar nickname all contributed to fuelling Christina's anger.  
She lashed out, Derek cowering slightly as if expecting she'd hit him, before he heard the distinct sound of the elevator alarm bell and the jolt of the car as it came to a sudden halt.

" Let's get this straight Mcass, and I'm only gonna say this once so you better listen. There is no Mer to you. There's only Dr Grey or Lieutenant. This crap you've been making her put up with for the last two weeks, hell for the last five and a half years, it stops now. You're going in as her family member's doctor. Not hers. So you leave the worrying about her to us. That clear?"

Derek nodded apologetically, but knowing within him that no earthly power would stop him worrying about Meredith Grey.


	28. Ch 28 Family Ties

CH 28 Family Ties

Derek stood unmoving in the chill air of the rainy Seattle morning, trying to get his head around what was happening. Ten minutes ago he had been looking inside a patient's brain, mind focused on Meredith and how he was going to manage to have a real conversation with her without her running; once again berating himself for having gotten in this situation with her in the first place.  
And now, ten minutes later, he was standing in the Washington downpour waiting for an ambulance with an answer to his question.

Just not exactly the answer he'd been looking for.

Yes, him being in charge of Ellis' emergency case did mean that he'd inevitably have to see Meredith today. But he didn't know what this whole thing was doing to Meredith. And as Christina had so kindly pointed out to him, while it meant spending the day in close quarters with her, he was, as the patient's treating physician, expected to remain professional, and so wouldn't be able to be there for her.

And while that expectation hadn't really stopped him from acting as he wished in the past, for example chasing after a relationship with a certain intern, Derek had a feeling Christina would be watching over Mer like a bulldog today.

Which in a way was good, because unable to hover himself, Derek was at least glad that some one was standing by to offer support, even if it wasn't him. Because chances were she was going to need the support, however strong she may be.

It was, first of all, never easy when your mother was in need of emergency care. Especially when said emergency occurred when your mother was already suffering from an incurable disease. As Derek had seen many times before, cases like these tended to make for unbelievably stressed and tired fmilies left to deal with loads weighing down on them that were much to heavy to be delt with. In Meredith's case, this was aggravated by the fact that as far as Derek knew, there was no one sharing the burden with her.

Indeed, during their relationship, while he had detailed every sister, niece and nephew (somehow omitting the principle relation of his wife) to her, she had never mentioned any family at all, with the rare exception of her mother. Try as he might, Derek couldn't recall a single mention of Meredith's father, or any other close relatives.

He did remember however, on the rape case of Allison Turner they had both been working on, Meredith's statement that "she had no one" and that she understood how it felt to be alone. While Derek remembered Ellis had been brought up in that conversation, it had even then only been in passing and not without a hint discomfort on Meredith's part.

His initial meeting with Ellis Grey four years previously, as well as Christina's cold attitude towards her despite her legendary surgical status, had even suggested that the famous surgeon's relationship with her only daughter had been a tense one. There had even been a implication of outright animosity between the two, the last thing you would expect between a mother and her only daughter, or indeed, child.

**FLASHBACK**

_"Dr. Shepherd?" Patricia, the chief's secretary called, rushing behind him as he headed to the nurse's station to file some patient charts._

"_Yes?" asked Derek in a tired voice. He knew what this was about. And he wasn't looking forward to it. He had already met with seven applicants today, not less than six of whom were completely unqualified for this trial. One patient had even been suffering from Parkinson's. Parkinson's. In a trial for Alzheimer's. Seriously?_

"_We have one more for you, at Rosewood Medical Nursing Facility."_

_Derek recognised the name. That home was in the richer outskirts of Seattle, and generally took in considerably well off middle class pensioners, almost invariably doted with a very high opinion of themselves. Not exactly Derek's favourite kind of people. No, snobbery was a thing he had not been loathe to leave behind in Manhattan. He sighed. He was a doctor. He had no right to discriminate because of social background._

"_Name?"_

"_The patient's family wished to remain anonymous until you met with them, they have a strong desire for privacy. They even faxed over a formal document from the patient's attorney, hoping you would understand. They also asked that you make the trip yourself. The patient does not feel comfortable coming into the hospital."_

_Derek lifted his eyebrow. He hated patients who made special circumstances for themselves. Making him sign a document with a lawyer? Really? Did these people not know about doctor-patient confidentiality? Sighing again he gave his resigned agreement to the woman._

"_Thank you Patricia, I'll be sure to have a look over the paperwork and head there as soon as I've filed these charts and rounded on my recent post-ops."_

"_Very well Dr. Shepherd; I'll have it set on your desk in an hour."__  
__-__  
__And so just over an hour later, Derek had reluctantly headed to the rather upgrade side of Seattle, to the nursing home where he was lead to a comfortable visitor's room. He was absorbed in noting exactly how stuck-up this place seemed to be when he was startled out of his thoughts by the last person he expected, or indeed, wanted to see._

"_What the hell are you doing here?"_

"_Dr. Yang?" he asked, still recovering from his shock "I'm ...uh...I'm here on a consult, but why..."_

_Christina's eyes flashed in exasperated realisation at his answer and she groaned loudly_

"_Mcdreamy, please tell me you aren't the consult for the Alzheimer's Brian Wilkins Clinical Trial."_

"_As a matter of fact, I am." Derek started again, his confusion still evident. "But how do you know...?" _

_Realisation dawned on him and his confusion turned to an apologetic air as he looked at her, having obviously come to the conclusion that one of her family members was the patient concerned. Christina didn't leave him time to voice his sympathy however, too focused on her own cause of annoyance. _

_This wasn't good._

"_Then why the hell is it called the Brian Wilkins Trial? Do you have a secret identity we don't know about, as well as the secret Mcwhoring wife?" _

_Her tone was unsuprisingly overflowing with animosity and biting sarcasm, as always when she adressed him._

_Derek''s composure stayed the same as he answered resignedly._

"_No, Brian was a colleague of mine in New York. He wanted referring doctors all over the country to set the trial up nationally. I'm the Neurosurgeon overseeing the trial's progress in Seattle."_

"_Well isn't that greeeeat!" Christina huffed voice still full of irony._

_Derek interrupted. "Dr Yang, I know we don't have the best of relationships..."_

"_...considering the fact I despise your sorry ass and have a nagging impulse to shave your flipping Mcdreamy hair off every time I see your pathetic face?"_

_Derek ignored her more recent verbal attack and kept on going._

"_...but I am good at my job, and if your relative qualifies for the trial, I will do my be..."_

_This time, she interrupted him._

_Not my relative. I was entrusted medical oversight and power of attorney of the patient until further notice due to her only living relative's incapacity to do so."_

_Derek looked at her confused. Was that even possible?_

_Christina registered his expression and went on to explain. _

"_I'm bound by like a gazzilion of those stupid legal froms like you had to sign. All non emergent decisions are taken by said relative and relayed to me, so that most of the time I'm just ago between for signing all that admin crap ."_

_Here she turned the focus onto the trial itself, the reason that Derek was here in the first place._

"_So now that you've signed agreeing to respect terms of anonymity during the trial..."_

"_Doctor-patients rights will of course be respected Yang, but you know as well as I do that as a public trial, privacy is limited. Every patient has to deal with it."_

"_Not this one."_

"_We don't do priveleges in an open trial."_

"_Public trials need to publish case studies, not names. You want the case, take it, but she'll have her privacy."_

"_This is ridiculous..."_

"_For once agree with you Mcdreamy. But this particular decision was made by the patient herself when she was first diagnosed. She refuses her condition to be made general knowledge."_

_Derek huffed " Arrogant much? Who does she think she is, the Queen of Sheeba?"_

_Christina didn't reply, but something in her expression intrigued Derek. He had to get to the bottom of this.__  
__Derek looked at the form carefully, then back to Christina._

"_Fine.I'll sign."_

"_Good" said Christina, and Derek's confusion grew at her slight smirk. What was going on?___

_It wasn't long before he had his answer.__  
__Even if Derek hadn't spent every waking hour and his every nightmarish dream in the last year haunted by Meredith's face, he still would not have missed the uncanny resemblance in the middle aged woman before him, looking at him with incredible hostility, suspicion, and disgust._

_Christina's face had lost it smirk when she had seen her upon leading Derek into the room, her face turning to a scowl of contempt; signifying to him that while in charge of her care, the resident felt little more sympathy towards her than she did towards himself. Yet Derek did not miss the slight tone of satisfaction in the young woman's voice when she said. _

"_Dr. Shepherd, may I have the pleasure of introducing Surgical Legend Dr. Ellis Grey?"__  
__-__  
__Derek felt like banging his head against the wall. How could he have been so stupid? Yes it had been a full year since Meredith had confided in him about her mother's disease, before vanishing from the face of the earth,but how could he not have thought...?_

_He stared at her, the dull ache in his heart that had been afflicting him during the last twelve months revived. Her expression sterner than the one he remembered, her eyes were colder, and her face was more careworn, both due to age and illness, yet Ellis Grey was unmistakably Meredith's mother. Just looking at her Derek felt himself longing for the daughter more, once again wondering to himself where the hell she could be. It had to be far away if she had transferred her Ellis' affairs to Christina..._

_Unimaginable despair filled him as he yet again recalled her soft blonde hair, her sparkling green eyes, her soft pale skin...___

_" Are you going to keep wasting my time standing there or are you actually here for a reason?"_

_He was startled by the cutting voice of the woman seated before him. "I uh,..."_

"_Surgeons don't say 'uh'. You're going to need some backbone if you count on making it through your intern year, let alone the next six years after that. Get out of my O.R. I don't scrub in with incompetants."_

_Derek stared at her, startled. Quite apart from the fact he hadn't been called incompetant by anyone since his residency at Mount Sinai in New York, the woman in front of him, despite her disease, gave off an aura of truly frightening authority.___

_"She tends to place circumstances in a medical scenery." explained Christina. "You should of seen her when we met. She kept telling Meredith to hurry up and pass her the scalpel before her patient blead out. Then she tried to suture her chicken salad. It actually seemed kind of funny then." _

_Her scowl deepened, and she added to herself, barely whispering so that Derek was unsure he had caught her words correctly "Of course, that was before I knew how much of a bitch she was to Mer."_

_He had no time to ponder on what she might mean though, as Ellis intervened again._

"_Meredith? what did the damn girl do now? Postponing Medschool to go gallavanting around Europe screwing boys. Is this how she pays back all I did for her?"_

_Derek saw Christina bite back a no doubt rude retort before turning to him again._

"_Very well then Shepherd. Do your thing. But let's be clear. I still hate your guts. This is Mer's mom, but that doesn't win you any points with me."_

_Derek nodded, then stopped, hesitating._

"_What?"_

"_What could Meredith possibly be doing that she'd leave her mother's care to you?" he dared to enquire directly._

_Big mistake._

_Christina's scowl deepened. "That's none of your concern McAss. And I suggest you focus on what is; like your patient here," she nodded at Ellis. "as for Meredith, how you even have the temerity after what you did to let alone pronounce her name is_ _beyond me."_

**END OF FLASHBACK**

Yes, Derek's initial meeting with Ellis grey had definitely been memorable. For many things which concerned the daughter and the best friend more than the mother in truth.

But he had netherless had a very distinct impression of her from that day as well. Even in the short exchange he had had with her then, and during the interview afterwards to see if she qualified for the trial, Derek had been struck by her coldness. Christina's hushed comment had had him wondering and he couldn't help but note that the woman in front of him appeared to lack all qualities expected in a mother.

She was certainly nothing like Carolyn Shepherd, and that thought had Derek apprehensive of what Meredith's childhood could have been. He had been quick to realise, also, that despite their physical resemblance, shared surgical talent and stubbornness, Meredith and Ellis were both fundamentally different in character. Even when he had been the most hurtful to her, Meredith had never shown him such hostility. He could only speculate on how Ellis had acted towards her, but the glimpse he had seen had not been very promising.

Derek shook his head. He knew Meredith was strong. But she'd seemed a bit down since...well if he was honest with himself, since he'd tried to force himself into the picture again. And from the hints he'd had about Ellis and Mer's relationship, he was even more concerned about what this might do to her.

"They're here Mcdreamy." Christina cut in "so stop thinking about how fast your overstocked reserve of hair products is depleting itself and focus."

Derek glared at her remark, but focused on the ambulance stopping before them; preparing himself for the worst.  
-

"58 year old female with Alzheimer's. Visible cranial trauma from a blunt force hit to the head in a fall. Loss of consciousness on impact not recovered since. Breath sounds relatively equal and heartbeat within norm if not optimal."

A pale, clearly drained Meredith on shaky legs interrupted the paramedic, directing herself straight to Derek, ignoring the rest of her surroundings.

"She needs an MRI stat. I checked her pupil reaction and dilation on the way and I think it's probably be a subdural hemorrhage. We need to get to this ASAP, I..."

But Derek, catching her alarmingly white complexion, the slightly erratic dart of her eyes and her light stumble, stopped her. "Meredith we're getting there. But you need to calm down. We're gonna take good care of your mother but you need to..."

"No, mom..."

"He's right Mer", broke in Christina, shocked by her friend's state. As tired and stressed as she had looked all week and even before that, it had been nothing to right now. It was evident that this was taking a strain on her.

"But I..." Her sentence hung in the air as she suddenly clutched at her left side with her right hand, her other reaching for support on the ambulance door while her breathing suddenly deepened.

Derek's panicky voice was heard through the commotion of moving Ellis to the ground. "Meredith are you all right?"

"She's fine Mcdreamy, and none of your concern, unlike your patient" snapped Christina, but as he turned around to do his job, Derek caught her anxious gaze out of the corner of his eye. Christina was worried too...  
"I"ll page Bailey..." Ahead of him, he heard her frantic whisper as she supported her friend, "something's clearly wrong..." as well as Meredith's almost gasped out unconvincing reply of

"I'm fine."


	29. Ch 29 Family Feud

CH 29 Family Feud

By the time they had reached the room prepared for her mother in the VIP wing of the hospital, Meredith had pretty much managed to regain at least an appearance of control over herself. She was used to critical and stressful circumstances after all, as she did spend over six months of the year in direct contact with gunfire, grenades and exploding rockets.

Yet while things were fine on the surface, inside Meredith was still a complete mess. She had regulated her breathing enough to keep the pain in her side under control, but she would have to watch herself if she didn't want Christina to make good on her threat and page Bailey, who would probably kick her ass.

It was just another challenging situation, she mused, annoyed at herself that she was requiring the comparison of this to a war zone situation to get through it. That was kind of pathetic. But when things were stressful on the front, even when you were hurt, you kept going; focusing, doing your job, whatever happened. So, Meredith decided resolutely, ever faithful to her stubborn streak, that's what she would do.

Which meant she had to stop herself thinking about her mother's neurosurgeon as her very hot, very gifted with his hands ex-boyfriend she still had excruciatingly strong feelings for, and focus on the neurosurgeon thing. Which meant she definitely had to avoid looking at him, particularly his eyes. The two pools of sapphire blue she could just lose herself in.

But really she couldn't because she had to focus on her mother, which so far was working reasonably well for her. Reasonably well because it was hard to keep her resolve when updating him on her mother's checkup. Come to think of it, it was hard to keep her resolve at any time. He was so damn dreamy. Urgh! she was sick of her life being so crap and complicated!  
And really? Bringing her mother into the picture had definitely not made things any easier. Because now, the two big chaotic mess inducing people in her life, Derek Shepherd and Ellis Grey, were suddenly converging and teaming up on her.

Which left her relatively, no wait...completely screwed. Great.

.It was ironic really, that she'd used her internship, and her relationship with Derek as an excuse to avoid the nursing home five years ago, and now she'd been using her mother as a way to avoid Derek. But now she could use neither to avoid the other, because they were colliding.

And that?

Sucked. Like really sucked.

Because Meredith didn't know what to do. She was already exhausted, stressed, confused and hurt, but apparently that wasn't enough.  
Fate had to add another layer of crap by mixing the two main causes of all her afflictions.

Okay the main cause of her affliction was arguably the six rounds of enemy fire that had pierced through her left side, forcing her to go on leave to recover. But the fact she wasn't actually recovering?

Definitely due to the two people who were now only three feet away from her, one settling the other as comfortably as possible in a hospital bed with the help of a nurse.  
But she decided, she would be fine. She could do this. She was strong, put together Lieutenant Grey, hardcore military surgeon who had survived six bullets to the abdomen, she could survive anything.

Extremely dreamy hot neurosurgeons which made her blood pressure sky rocket and bitchy ever disappointed mothers be damned.  
The dreamy voice of one such dreamy hot neurosurgeon, the only one she knew in fact, disrupted her train of thought.  
"Okay, pupils still unreactive" he ascertained, lifting his patient's eyelids carefully, trying to gauge a response "How long ago did she lose consciousness?"

"From what the nurses at the home said, about thirty-five minutes. We got very lucky in our timing." answered Meredith, forcing herself into professional mode, trying to avoid both crumbling recovery mode Meredith and weak-kneed totally Mcdreamied mode.

Derek nodded. "I think the loss of consciousness might be due to the hit itself, inducing a concussion, but we need the scans anyway to see if there are any leaks. Is the MRI set up?" he enquired, this time directing himself at a nurse, while still completing his checkup, the staff around him continuing to set Ellis up to all the wires and machinery monitoring her. One stat on the screen caught his eye. "Damn it!"

"What?"

"Intercranial pressure's really high. Too high, that means..."

"Brain bleed. Probably clotting. Like I thought." said Meredith "We don't have time for the scans now, she's been down long enough."

Derek nodded, and turned to the nurse "Cranial access kit please.", then to Meredith "You should probably go.'

She looked at him outraged, Christina's eyes narrowing at him.

"Excuse Me?"

"I'm about to drill a hole into your mother's skull. You don't want to see this."

Meredith glared. "She's my mother, I'm not leaving."

Derek sighed in defeat at her stubbornness as he prepared the drill over where one of the nurses was shaving a square of Ellis' hair. "Just don't panic."

"I am a neuro surgeon Dr. Shepherd, I can handle it." she snapped firmly. Damn it she was tired of being babied. By Mike, Richard, Bailey, Christina and now apparently McDreamy.

No, not Mcdreamy, McAss.

Damn him.

Derek shook his head and turned to the nurse "15 blade, and have the catheter at the ready . I want it as soon as I penetrate the Dura."

Derek swiftly and expertly made the incision, Meredith observing carefully his performing of a procedure she had done herself millions of times, both checking his work for her mother's sake and admiring his jaw dropping talent for her own benefit. It really was something watching him work, quite the turn on actually.

Focus Meredith.

"Got it." stated Derek as he turned off the drill he had taken up after the scalpel, done almost as soon as he had started. The succession of instruments and the procedure itself had lasted all of but a few seconds, his work needing to be quick and efficient. Which it was. After all, whether or not it gave him an over inflated ego, Derek Shepherd was the best. Everyone knew that.

"Catheter."

The change in Ellis, seemed almost instantaneous. She shifted suddenly, and let out a wavering breath a bit fuller than the last one.

"Pressure stabilizing." Commented Derek, relaxing slightly as he flashed his penlight in Ellis' eyes, and he grinned as she flinched. "Pupils reactive."

The grin quickly disappeared though at her first words.

"Get your goddamn light out of my eyes. I have a long shift coming up and I'd appreciate not having my light crash in the on call room interrupted by some stupid suck-up intern!"

Meredith approached her mother, placing a hand gently on her arm. "Mom, this isn't an intern. This is Dr. Shepherd. He's your Neurosurgeon."

Ellis turned to Derek coolly. "Neurosurgeon huh? God all mighty ego-inflated bastards who think they're better than anyone else. What? come to steal yet another one of my O.R's for a shunt?" the disdain was clear, but at least, Derek mused, it wasn't personal, unlike her daughter's vendetta against him the other day.

Ellis looked around, as if lost not understanding what was going on. Suddenly, she stopped to concentrate her attention on her daughter, as if registering her presence there for the first time. Catching the cold look in her mother's eyes, Meredith braced herself for the less than kind words that were likely to come from her mouth. She was used to this, unfortunately.

"What the hell are you doing her? I thought I told you not to bother me when I'm at work."  
Meredith's breath hitched slightly at her mother's words, but she tried to let it pass.

"Mom, I work here now. I'm a surgeon here."

"Meredith we both know you'll never have what it takes to be a surgeon."

Meredith's face visibly blanched, and she tried to ignore the reactions of the people around her at Ellis' cold words. She was used to this, had been used to this her entire life, but she couldn't stand losing face in front of an audience. Especially when Derek Shepherd was among that audience. In the corner of her eye though, she could make out the shock in his face, that Ellis could be so demeaning of her. Barely having regained consciousness she was already reaming her daughter in.

He had obviously been right then, in supposing their relationship wasn't the best.  
But Ellis apparently wasn't finished. "You don't have what it takes. You're too unfocused, undisciplined, ordinary. I raised you to be extraordinary Meredith, and now you tell me you want to take a six month sabbatical to go around Europe before med school?"

Meredith sighed. So that was it. Her mother was reliving the last days they had ever seen each other when she was lucid, their last fight before Meredith had left for Amsterdam with Sadie. That trip had been cut to two months at the news of her mother's diagnosis. Ironic huh?

But before Meredith could attempt to reply and cool her mother down, Christina butted in, fuming

"Don't you dare talk to her like that you bitch! After all she's done for you, you ungrateful hag... I can't believe I spent my med school years praying I'd meet you. And now she's stuck taking care of your sorry..."

"Chris!" "Dr. Yang" came the simultaneous cries from the two neurosurgeons from the other side of the hospital bed.

"She's a patient Yang you have no business talking to her like that..." Derek reprimanded sternly, yet in his heart he completely approved her words, longed to join in her rebuff, to make her sorry for what she'd said to Meredith...but he'd made an oath, an oath to put his patient first.

"Shut up McDreamy. You don't get an opinion. She..."

But Meredith stopped her, placing a hand on her arm like she had done with her mother minutes before. The exertion of what was going on was slowly creeping in on her but she had control of herself yet.

"He's right Chris. She doesn't know what she's saying. She's reliving..."

"She knows exactly what she's saying Mer." Christina said bitterly, eyeing Ellis in disgust. "And I've had enough of it, all the crap she puts you through...no wonder you can't recover properly."

Derek's head snapped up at her last words, while Meredith glared at her person. She was not supposed to bring that up.

But once again the focus was shifted back to the present situation when Ellis finally reacted to the Asian woman's words.

"The crap I put her through...don't you dare lecture me as if you know me or this family. If she's not happy about all the sacrifices I've made for her she can go join her loser of a deadbeat dad, and when he tells her he doesn't want her, where will she go then huh? Probably Thatch's one smart decision in life leaving her behind."

That did it. Meredith had been fine until then, she had been able to ward off the bitterness of her mother's attacks thus far, telling herself that this was one of her mother's bad days, that it would be fine. After all there were still relatively good days, though they seemed to have gotten considerably fewer since her time in the army. But this, her mentioning her father,...it was too much. Ellis never mentioned Thatcher Grey. But when she did, it always left Meredith with a feeling of rejection and agonizing pain.

Pain.

Pain like the physical jolt of pain that suddenly jolted through her left side as yet another spasm tore at her abdomen, her hand flying to her wound as her face paled and she winced. Stress definitely did not go well with recovery.

She could only hope the episode had gone unnoticed and that she could carry on like nothing had happened. But that was a longshot. And going by the identical expressions of worried shock passing over both he colleagues at that moment, it was far from being the case.

Sure enough, in a matter of seconds, Christina, had forgotten her fuming battle with Ellis, rushing instead to Meredith's side and starting her nagging enquiries on how Meredith was feeling. Derek himself looked shell shocked at all that was happening: Ellis' appalling behavior of Meredith, his desire, impulse, no instinct to defend her, the revelations, though only hinted, about her father, Christina's mention of her recovery, and now apparently, something more, graver, something affecting Meredith directly...what was going on?

"Page Bailey." Christina told him shortly as he too prepared to leave Ellis's side to focus on the person who truly had his attention. And with that she shooed him out into the hall despite his being her superior and responsible for Ellis's care, both silently acknowledging that it would be better for Mer's stress levels if he wasn't in the room.

Even in her haze of pain, Meredith fumed at Christina's demand. Seriously?

"Don't you dare." she hissed, both from pain and anger, "I'm fine."

"Mer your about as fine as Nelson is talented. So please don't insult both our intelligences by lying. And badly too. You need care, and you need away from your mother." as she mentioned her, she turned quickly to Ellis, to make sure she was still stable. She had been brought in for an emergency, after all.

Thankfully, it seemed she had relapsed into a certain haze of confusion in the last few minutes, apparently oblivious to what had and was occurring, for which Christina was immensely grateful. That and the fact that Shepherd's cranial intervention had made her stable for the time being meant she could focus on her person at least for the moment, always ready to intervene if something happened while Derek was gone.

"Please, cancel the page to Bailey... " her best friend pleaded weakly, "waste of time...fine..."

Christina shook her head at her friend's stubbornness even when she was in so much pain.

" I wish I could Mer, but if the combined stress of McBastard and McEvilMom keeps doing this to you, you're gonna have a relapse. And I'm not having that happen. You're not pulling anything funny on me is that clear?"

Meredith glared at her, but didn't argue back. She didn't have the strength to.

Miranda Bailey was not in a good mood when Derek Shepherd interrupted her on call room nap three hours before she had to get up. She was in an even worse mood when he explained why.

"Damn that girl! If she took half as good care of herself as she does her patients..."

She eyed him in suspicious anger "what did you do now?"

"Me? Why did I have to do something? why do you always assume...?"

"Mcdreamy, where Meredith Grey's concerned, its always you."

Derek huffed. "Well not this time. Its her mother."

"Her mother? Ellis Grey? The Ellis Grey? She's here?"

"Yes, she hit her head in a fall...I'm her attending physician, have been for the last four years so..." he saw Bailey's eyebrow raise.

"She has early onset Alzheimer's" he explained painfully, "she forbade Mer to tell anyone."

Bailey stooped for a second in complete shock."Oh My God. How's she doing with all this?"

"Why do you think I'm here? She's a mess. And as if that wasn't enough the woman's a complete bitch and treats her daughter like crap, which doesn't help with the whole stress thing..."

"...which I'll remind you you've been contributing to quite well yourself" Bailey said sternly.

Derek stopped and looked at her sadly. "Which I've been contributing to, yes. But Miranda I'm worried about her, she's a wreck, she looks like she'll crumble...Why did Yang ask to page you? Do you know something? What's going on?" his voice was so broken and pleading that Bailey couldn't help but feel sorry for him. But she couldn't say. Especially to him.

"I can't tell you Derek. I'm sorry."

"Miranda..."

She stopped him as they reached the door to Ellis' room. "I can't say Derek, I really can't. The matter's out of my hands."

But taking pity on his hopeless confused look, she added as she opened the door " a doctor never breaks Doctor/patient confidentiality" and with that she went through the door leaving Derek to ponder her words.

Doctor. Patient. Meredith was apparently hurt enough to need a complete medical follow-up of whatever had happened. That wasn't good. But what HAD happened? he wondered, shivering in dread at the possibilities.

Miranda had told him, he had one more answer. But as that answer brought him more questions and more fears, Derek wondered whether he had been better off without it.


	30. Ch 30 When History Repeats Itself

CH 30 When History repeats itself

Off the case! what the hell did she mean off the case? She wasn't ON this case. Not as a doctor anyway. She was the patient's daughter for god's sakes! And really even if she had been a doctor, she wasn't some intern, she was a respected attending! So what the hell?

Meredith fumed as she tossed in the uncomfortable bed. She was supposed to be sleeping.

Doctor's order, along with the restraining order that Miranda Bailey had imposed on her to keep her away from her mother, and simultaneously, Derek. Talk about killing two birds with one stone, ey?

And really, to some extent Meredith was thankful for an excuse to get away. But Ellis was still her mother. And she didn't like being forced away. Damn it she wasn't some stupid baby!

Once again she shifted on the mattress and winced as she placed too much weight on her left side. Bailey hadn't been pleased at all about that. Apparently, even after the rather lengthy time span since her last surgery, her exertion was getting to a point where Meredith could reopen a wound if she wasn't careful. The stitches made had been perfect, and extremely well done, but Bailey had stressed to Meredith the increasingly likely risk that her weakened muscle would suffer another tear.

Not able to withstand the pain any longer, Meredith shifted again.  
This was useless. She knew she wouldn't get to sleep. She couldn't. Too many thoughts clouding her brain. Derek, Ellis, Derek, Ellis, Derek, Derek, Derek, Ellis, Ellis, Ellis...  
And yet she could feel exhaustion actually dripping off her. Maybe someone should sedate her, she thought. Then she might actually get some rest...

She huffed. She couldn't just stay here and do nothing all day. Captive of her tiny increasingly cell-like room, Meredith swore to herself she'd never do anything to go to jail. Coz if this is what this felt like, it sucked.  
She couldn't leave. Bailey had told her that she'd check back on her every hour until lunchtime; when she'd threatened to force-feed Meredith if she didn't get something herself. Meredith honestly didn't put it past her. You never knew what to expect with Miranda Bailey, it was always best to play it safe. Yet she knew that she wouldn't be hungry, just like she knew that she wouldn't get to sleep. Bailey had said she was off surgeries for the day as well. She'd told Meredith that after lunch, after having had sufficient rest, and only If she'd had sufficient rest, she'd be allowed to chart, nothing more.

Great heavens! 'allowed to chart' Like that was supposed to be a privilege or something? She felt like she'd gone back to her residency days. Wasn't all that supposed to be in the past?  
Grumbling to herself, she checked her watch. Bailey wouldn't be back for another 47 minutes. Meredith wasn't stupid enough to risk running into her by venturing out of the room, but she could get someone to visit her...suddenly smiling to herself, she got out her pager, which Bailey has thankfully omitted to take away from her, and beeped George O'Malley.

In this precise moment, George O'Malley hated his boss. Like absolutely hated her. Not his friend, his boss. Because when Meredith Grey totally abused her power as attending to force him to update her on the condition of the devil incarnated, she definitely wasn't his friend. She was his evil, overbearing boss who he hated.

Except he didn't, not really, well not most of the time. And, in truth, he'd do anything for Meredith, apparently including risking Miranda Bailey's wrath if she caught word he had disrupted Meredith's 'rest', and visiting Lucifer (he couldn't call her Satan, that would be too confusing with Addison...they seriously needed more variety on the nicknames...).

The reason for George's momentary hatred was twofold. Never having met the woman before, he had heard enough from both Meredith and Christina, and seen enough of what she did to Meredith, to be absolutely terrified of her. And secondly, a factor he hadn't been aware of until fifteen minutes ago when he HAD actually met her, was that he apparently looked a lot like Thatcher Grey, whom he knew to be Meredith's wayward father, and a man Ellis was not particularly fond of.

"Dr. Grey, if you could lay still I just need to give you a quick check up..."

"I'm in the middle of my work day Thatch. I'm not in the mood to deal with you now" as George tired to approach her again she cried out in protest. "Hands off! I mean it thatch No!"

"Dr. Grey if you could just..."

"Get away from me you insipid little man!"

George jumped back as she suddenly lashed out at him. Oh God, what the hell did he do now?

" " he pleaded "calm down!"

"Get away from me , get out of my room!"

A panicky nurse cam in at the raised voices looking over to George quickly

"What can I do?"

"Get me some haloperidol, stat!"

George continued to look at his friend's mother completely bewildered and at a loss for what more he could do, while she yelled at him, unhindered.

"Don't give me that look. That sad little pitiful puppy routine. I know it by heart Thatch!" she yelled, her voice still getting louder, so that George was certain it could be heard down the hall, and probably the entire hospital as well. God he hated Mer right now!

"I don't want to hear about your day or your pathetic research grants. My work is what counts! It's what pays for this house, it's what pays for you and it pays for Meredith. So why don't leave me the hell alone and let me do it!"

"What the hell is going on in here?" came Derek Shepherd's angry voice, "O'Malley, what the hell have you done to my patient?"

"Nothing sir, I was just trying to..."

"I said GET OUT! Meredith may think she needs you, but I sure as hell don't!"

Derek turned to Ellis in shock "What...?"

Just then the nurse returned with the antipsychotic George had ordered.

"Here it is Doctor..."

"No, it's better if you do it, she hates me..."

"I'll do it' said Derek, snatching the medicine before the nurse hurriedly left, wanting to avoid any more encounter with the famously tempered doctor Grey.

"What was that about?" Derek said as he finished injecting the neuroleptic, Ellis already calming down considerably, if still slightly glowering at George, some of her previous confusion coming back but the worst of her aggressively gone.

"She thinks I'm Meredith's dad, her ex-husband..."

Derek nodded, he hadn't known Mer's parents were divorced, but he supposed it made sense. He had never heard of Ellis Grey being married, or even having a daughter before he had met Meredith. He wondered how old she had been when it had happened...

"Why are you here?" he asked now, though he had a feeling he knew the answer.

"Meredith." George said simply

Derek shook his head at her stubbornness, a small smile appearing on his face. "Some things never change... And does Miranda know you're interrupting Mer's slumber to update her on her mother?"

He laughed at George's sudden expression of fear.

"Don't worry O'Malley, I won't tell on you. But really, you should let Meredith rest. She was completely wrecked this morning."

George nodded, frowning slightly, as if angry that DEREK SHEPHERD was lecturing HIM on how to take care of Meredith. "It's Meredith" he said defensively "she wouldn't take no for an answer."

Derek nodded. He would probably have been ready to do much worse if Meredith had asked him.

"Tell you what O'Malley, I'll tell her." he noticed the resident's hesitance.

"Just to update her, I promise. "he answered George's suspicious gaze, trying not to show his exasperation. He knew he deserved it.

When George finally left, Derek was dragged out of his thoughts y Ellis' voice. "Is he gone yet? I can't stand that idiot. Why I married him I really don't know...if it wasn't for Meredith, I'd have left him ages ago, and even then I wonder if all this was worth it...blind fool."

Derek tried to ignore her words as his fist clenched in reaction to them. How she could be so unfeeling towards her daughter and apparently, her husband...

"I mean seriously! If he had any balls he would leave on his own. He's playing stupid. He's waiting for me to kick him out. I come home with a hickey on my shoulder. A hickey! For god's sake like I'm a sex-crazed teenager! Which let's face it these days I am. God that man can make me scream! And what does Thatcher do? Pretend he doesn't see it."

Derek froze in horrifies shock at what she had just said. Resolve to ignore her completely gone. Oh My God. She had had an affair. Ellis Grey had had an affair. Despite having a child, despite Meredith, she had had an affair. Did Meredith know? Oh My God. Derek's own memories flashed before him, coming home, seeing Mark's leather jacket on the floor, hearing muffled groans and sighs coming from his closed bedroom.

Affair. Affair. Affair. It drummed in his head louder and louder. Meredith. How could Ellis do this to Meredith? How could you do something like that to your family?

Addison, naked, her head pulled back as she screamed his brother's name in ecstasy. His brother, who was thrusting repeatedly, fast and hard, into his wife. The pain. The anger. The numbness. The nausea. Meredith. Ellis. Thatcher. Mark. Addison.

"Why do people cheat?" he asked suddenly, his voice cold and riddled with disgust. Ellis jumped as she turned towards him, her mind clearly having been jolted somewhere else.  
"I'm sorry?"

"Yes, they always are." He said coolly. "Sorry I mean. But what does it? What gets you to cheat on your husband, throw away the vows, the rings, the commitment..." he paused, thinking of Meredith "the child..."he looked at her pitilessly. "Why did you have an affair?"

To his surprise, the usually bitter angry Ellis Grey started crying. Sobbing. So much so that she wouldn't stop.

"I couldn't stay with him. I don't care if he's Meredith's father. I just couldn't take it. I love him. He stayed with her. With his wife. I love him and Richard he...he oh..." here she gasped, unable to control her sobbing, breaths coming in frantic gasps, her heart rate dropping alarmingly.

Derek hurried to the oxygen mask and nearly slammed it in her face, his mind racing as much as his patient's heart. Married. Ellis Grey hadn't just had an affair. She'd had an affair with a married man. The words came back to him like a punch in the gut.

"_I'm not gonna be that woman. The one that breaks up a marriage or begs you to wants me_."

A married man that had gone back to his wife.

"_Oh. So you're staying with her?"__  
__"She's my wife_".

That she'd been in love with.

"_I love you. So pick me, chose me, love me_." But he hadn't.

The burning sensation of mounting nausea spread through Derek as he felt his heart clench. He looked at Ellis, her sobs quietly dying down. He'd put her through that. He'd put Meredith through what Ellis was reliving right now. He'd done worse. He'd reduced Meredith to lower than what she was, what she deserved. He'd reduced her to the same state as her mother who had risked breaking up another man's marriage along with her own.

No wonder she wanted nothing to do with him.  
He'd broken her.  
He could almost feel the twist of the dagger in his chest.

'Richard'

Derek looked at Ellis again, realization dawning on him. They had both been residents here...his rather protective attitude towards Meredith...It couldn't be could it?

Richard.

Surely not. Richard Webber?

Derek frowned, finally becoming aware as a lone tear trailed down his cheek that he had been crying. It seemed someone had some explaining to do.


	31. Ch 31 On the Brink of Destruction

CH 31 On the brink of destruction

Derek turned his back on Ellis and headed out of the room determinedly. Mind still preoccupied by what he had just learned, he set his course firmly for Richard's office. It was high time they had a chat. But in the time it took him to reach the chief's office, he had his own thoughts to occupy him.  
Because what he had learnt hadn't just shocked and pained him to his core, it had also given him a realisation.

A realisation of exactly why he couldn't chase her; he couldn't chase Meredith. Before it had been about the fact he had hid his wife from her and that he had chosen her instead of chosing Meredith. And while both those things still played a huge role, that they were still part of the mountain of hurt he had caused Meredith, it turned out that they had only been adding insult to injury.

He had done much worse.

He had made Meredith relive the wreckage of her childhood, marring their feelings for each other by turning them into a cheap affair. Because really, that's what he'd done. She hadn't been conscious of it, as far as she knew he was single, but Derek had turned her into the other woman, the one that got in the way of a marriage. And even if Derek knew deep down that his marriage with Addison had been over long before Meredith had come in the picture, hell, even probably long before Mark happened, she didn't.

It wouldn't have looked like that from Meredith's point of view. In Meredith's eyes, she had done the same thing that her mother had done, with the exception that no children had been involved this time. The other difference was that Richard had apparently made good on his word to repair his marriage with Adele. He had broken one woman, but stayed with the other.

Derek had somehow managed to hurt both parties involved in his own case.

Derek shook his head to himself. He had even less right than to chase her now than he had believed himself to have before his revelation. But as he had told Mark before, he didn't think he had the strength or the courage to let her go, or to see her move on with anyone else. He had no right, but really the more he struggled against it, the more it seemed like he couldn't do anything else BUT chase her.

Was it worth it though? he thought. Was it worth it to so obviously drag her through such an ordeal, cause her so much extra pain, by persisting in his attempts? Adding to the stress he knew she was nearly crumbling under, despite being the strongest woman Derek had ever met? The fact that along with her mother, he was so badly affecting her that it was having physical repercussions on her health?

He felt his chest constrict at the memory of her cry of pain as she had grasped her side, as well as the wince of agony that had gone with it. Was chasing her worth all that if it did nothing but increase the wrong he had caused her?

But his agonising questions were put aside for the time being when a desperate beeping in his pocket, brought him briskly back down to earth. Along with the pager was also heard the muffled yet discernible sound of machines blaring from the patient room he had just exited twenty feet behind him. Oh Crap. This wasn't gonna be good.

Running back to Ellis' side in seconds; Derek registered immediately that something was wrong. The monitor screamed shrilly flashing red lights as his patient thrashed uncontrollably on the bed. She was seizing.

"What the hell?"

Gathering his composure as best he could in his adrenaline rush, Derek hurried in, hitting the emergency call button as hard as he could.

-

Meredith was getting increasingly frustrated.

Not only was she still completely exhausted and bored out of her mind, but she had no news. Which had been the main reason she had been frustrated to be kicked off the case in the first place. Grade- A bitch as she may be, Ellis Grey was still her mother, and she would appreciate not being kept in the dark.

She fumed inwardly as she looked at her watch. One hour and twenty seven minutes. That's how long George had been away and she knew he was aware of where the VIP wing was. In that time she had lain around in the on call room, bought a salad for lunch under Bailey's watchful gaze, eaten about a third of that same salad before throwing away the rest when Bailey wasn't watching, and set to work on these boring charts. One hour and twenty seven-now twenty eight minutes. It wouldn't take him over an hour to get an update and come back. Even interns weren't that clueless.

So naturally, she could only suppose that one of three things had happened. One, that he had been caught by Bailey, and was now suffering the consequences with scut or if she was in a particularly bad mood, rectals. Two, that he had been paged into an emergency surgery, which after all, happened quite often, and that he simply hadn't been able to get back to her before dealing with it. And three, the one that freaked her out the most, was that something had happened, that something was going on with her mother, and that George was needed to help deal with it so that he couldn't get back.

Her slight reassurance on the third option came from the fact that she was Ellis' only living relative, and that due to her return they needed her signature and not Christina's in order to operate. But even that was of small comfort. Because she had a feeling. The kind of feeling that told her someone was going to die today. And really, that shouldn't mean anything, because they were in a hospital, and here people died every day. But that didn't stop the fact that she had a feeling.

She had a feeling, and she couldn't do anything about it because Bailey had her on scut in the damn conference room for the rest of the damn work day.

Damn her!

Her heart skipped in elation when she heard the soft knock on the door, announcing some much needed interruption. Thank God, she was starting to despair

"George finally your here," she called, asking him to come in. News. News and company, finally.  
She was concerned however to see Bailey enter the room. It hadn't been an hour since her last 'check-up', and Bailey didn't have her habitual look of suspicious scrutiny she put on when starting one of Meredith's consults. So why would she...

Oh no. Her face blanched.

"Something happened didn't it?"

She was too tired and wrecked by everything going on around her today to pick herself up yet again. This was the tip of the scale, she didn't even bother rebuilding her façade. Her hands shaking she gripped on the table in front of her looking worried and, it seemed, at a point of near collapse.

"They found a tumor." Bailey knew there was no point in making it sound any less real than it was .  
"I thought the scans came up clean?"

"They did. It was too small to be picked up on a standard MRI. She had a seizure so Shepherd ordered a functional MRI. It revealed an increase in blood flow in the left temporal lobe due to the tumor's augmented venous irrigation."

Bailey heard Meredith suck in a breath. Brain surgery was never without risk, but how it risked affecting an already neurologically affected patient was even worse.

"So that's what caused the fall, then? She had the tumor, fell and that caused the hemorrhage."

Bailey nodded sadly.

Meredith shook her head, dejectedly. she was past breaking point and in this moment, didn't feel like fighting, tears welling up in her eyes.

"Why Miranda? Why her? Why me? Why does this always happen to me?" Her facade of strength had completely disappeared now, and she didn't even react as the tears started spilling over her eyelids, streaming silently down her face.

"I don't know Meredith. I'm sorry, I wish there was something..."

" do I." Her tone seemed emotionless, almost numb.

Neither women spoke for a moment, unable to think of anything more to say, even Bailey who generally had an opinion and advice about everything. Right now, even she found herself at a loss as to how to make this better.  
But she had come for a reason. Looking at her colleague regretfully, she spoke up.

"Meredith, they're going to need your signature for the surgery."

Meredith nodded. she'd expected as much. Miranda placed her hand softly on her former intern, all characteristic 'Nazi' attitude gone and replaced by the compassion and care that was the softer side of Miranda Bailey.

"You can do this Meredith. You're strong, and we're here for you."

Meredith nodded absentmindedly at her friend's words. In this moment, she didn't feel strong. She felt weak. Numb. Tired.

Getting herself up painfully and lazily, she shook herself slightly in a feeble attempt to get a grip, and exited the room in direction of her mother's.

-

Silence seemed to reign in the room despite the beeping of the machines.  
Like every single time they had found themselves in each other's presence without a third party during the last two weeks, an awkward tension permeated between Derek and Meredith as they stood on each side of Ellis' bed.

True, Meredith's mother, was also there, but as she was unconscious and on a ventilator, she didn't really count. Nott to mention even awake she wouldn't have been lucid.

Meredith had not expected him when she had come in. She had expected a nurse or an intern, or at the very most, Christina to be offering her the papers, but definitely not Derek Shepherd. The attending surgeon on the case rarely dealt with the administrative concerns of pre-op. But she was too far gone to really react. She was extenuated, and couldn't summon up the energy to bring up her walls.  
She was thankful, therefore, that she had at least had the sense and courage to wipe her tears and steady herself at least a bare minimum before entering the room. Her eyes were still puffy and slightly blood shot, she no longer looked completely destroyed, only well on her way to getting there.

"When do you operate?"

"As soon as an O.R. frees itself" Derek answered softly, his tone full of concern and compassion, looking fixedly at her, as if trying to ascertain if she would break. "She's relatively stable now, and as you can see I won't be leaving her side till we scrub in, so I'm always ready to intervene."

"But the more you wait..." remarked Meredith, her face ever pale, shadows digging under her eyes despite the forced 'rest' Miranda Bailey had imposed on her. Clearly it hadn't been very effective. As he had that morning, Derek was struck by how much this was affecting her, especially considering how Ellis treated her. But he supposed, she was still her mother. He knew if this was Carolyn Shepherd, he wouldn't be in any better shape. He couldn't fathom it really, all that Meredith was going through. With her. With him.

His instinct at that moment was to take her in his arms, comfort her, but he fought against it. His realization that morning upon discovering of her mother's affair had been enough to make him realize he definitely couldn't force this on her. He had hurt her too much to go back. He had to let her be. But still, the instinct raged in him, desperate to be heard.

"She'll be fine Meredith. I've done this procedure a million times." he tried to reassure her.

"So have I" she snapped back aggressively, "that doesn't guarantee she'll be fine. You can't guarantee things will be fine. Things happen, something could go wrong ..."she looked at him unwaveringly, some of her strength recaptured "you can't just assume she'll be fine , Derek. It doesn't work like that."

Derek sighed. He hated seeing her like this. "Mer, you have to be positive. You have to trust me."

She cut him with a dry laugh.

"Be positive Derek? You're asking me to be positive? Really? Have you been paying any attention to my life at the moment? I'm on forced leave from the army, away from my platoon and the front where I'm needed and I want to be. And for what? Am I at least doing something of use here? No. Because I can't pull myself together long enough to try. I'm supposedly here to rest and yet my stress levels are through the roof. Because I can't get a moment's peace between my bosses' nagging, my friends' worried concern, my stalkerish ex-boyfriend who won't leave me the hell alone," she glared at him as she said this " and my Alzheimer's ridden mother for whom I've always been a disappointment. Alzheimer's ridden mother who now has a tumor. Because apparently the world hates me, and takes joy on dumping crap on me. So no, I don't think I can bring myself to 'be positive'."

She scoffed bitterly, at this point, looking at him in a look that seemed riddled with contempt.

"As for trusting you," she bit back suddenly, " the hell of good it did me in the past, so sorry if it's not my main planned course of action."

Her angry biting tone was backed by something so vulnerable, by an element of something that was so akin to despair that Derek could no longer stop himself. Resolve be damned. Approaching her softly he placed a warm hand on her shoulder, in an attempt to offer her some comfort, some support to deal with what she was clearly having to deal with.

It turned out to be mistake.

Because once again in his concern for her he had omitted to consider the fact that he was very much a part of what she was dealing with, whether or not her mother had taken up her primary focus today.

But if he had overlooked this in his calculations before acting, Meredith's reaction was clear. His gut tightened as she flinched visibly, her eyes darting in shocked disbelief from her shoulder to his face, recently dried tears renewing in her eyes. At her hostile glare, he immediately pulled his hand back and lifted them in a gesture of surrender.

"Sorry. I just..."

Meredith huffed. "Don't say sorry. Just don't." her despair had seemed to expand to encompass with it exasperation and anger "I'm so sick of you saying 'sorry'."

"Mer..." he started quietly, his tone still full of care and emotion.

"No." she interrupted again "I said don't." she was practically shaking with equal rage and agony now, her body begging to break, to let her fall down and sob for all she was worth. She'd reached it, the limit.

"And the name, Dr. Shepherd,..." she stressed the use of his title, distancing herself from him, 'is Dr. Grey. Or Lieutenant if you prefer, not Mer" She looked on in annoyance as his puppy dog apologetic look persisted. "Stop treating me like I'm your girlfriend. In fact, Dr. Shepherd, unless it's for something medically relevant, stop talking to me at all."

And with that, with that last gasp of a fight against him, she fumed off, slamming the consent form for the surgery in his stomach, before she shattered like glass in front of his very eyes; unable to deal more with her mother or with him, needing desperately to clear her thoughts.


	32. Ch 32 Sweet Pain of Surrender

**Hey guys! Sorry for my overlong absence, I've been on holiday in London for the last week or so, and very busy. I didn't have much time to work on either of my fics but I'm back now, and believe me, you're going to like what's coming up (at least I hope so!).**

**Luv,**

**ano**

* * *

CH 32 Sweet pain of Surrender

Derek cracked his knuckles and kneaded the tension in his neck in order to rid himself of the stiffness that had taken over his body over the the last few hours.

He looked over at the clock. Seven thirty eight PM. It had been early afternoon when Meredith had stormed out on him in her mother's room, but quite a while had separated that from his scrubbing in, and the surgery itself had gone on and on. He sighed.

He would need to have Meredith updated on the surgery, but he thought it could wait. She had enough on her mind right now, and he didn't think she would particularly be looking forward to another encounter with him today. He supposed as nothing was wrong he could postpone paging her for a while, just so she could take a bit of space. He owed her that much. He had no idea what she had been doing since they had spoken to each other, but he thought she'd probably like a bit of extra time, before he barged in on her again.

Her words had confirmed what his realisation had told him; she didn't want his chasing, he had to stop.

But could he? He wanted to. He wished he could be the better guy. But really he knew he wasn't.  
Drying his newly rinsed hands, and setting off into the hall, his mind wandered back to his resolve of the morning to give up, surrender, let her be.

With it came the memory of the discoveries that had lead to it. The affair. Richard going back to his marriage like he had gone back to Addison.

Richard, he realised suddenly.

He still needed to confront Richard. That would be the perfect thing to do while giving Meredith time. It seemed to him that his old mentor and he were long overdue a nice chat.

He had had an affair. An affair with Ellis Grey. When they had both been married and she had had a child. He had some explaining to do. Derek's brow furrowed. More recent history also had to be dealt with, explanations for some of Richard's actions that appeared in a new light now that Derek had been informed on his boss' infidelities.

He remembered particularly the chief's call to bring Addison to Seattle, and his insistence in getting her to stay here, despite his own anger and objections. His determination in not letting the couple give up without a fight. Had he done so out of some old feeling of remorse for his own past affair? Anger swelled up inside Derek. He had been furious before, but if that was the case...the nerve! He had no business...But what about Meredith?

Derek knew that Richard felt a close connection with the young woman, and the revelation of his affair with her mother only made that more real. So how could Richard be so insistent in taking a course of action that had caused her so much pain? Yes he definitely had some explaining to do.

As he had done two weeks prior, the last time he had come to rage against the chief, Derek did not bother to knock and just stormed in. This time though, the chief was alone.

He looked up to his former student in surprise. Derek had barely spoken a word to him over the last fortnight, clearly still hurt and angry at his omission of Meredith's return or her whereabouts since she left. And judging by the hostile expression now gracing his face, his head of neurosurgery's anger had not subsided. Which left Richard at a loss as to what could bring him here.

"Derek, what can I do for you?"

Derek looked at his chief of surgery wryly, knowing he could possibly lose his job if he started as bluntly as he wished. He took a deep breath to control himself as best he could. He knew his last 'conversation' with the chief, which had been more of a one-sided yelling match, had done nothing too good for him.

Control yourself, he mused.

"During your residency, did you..." he paused, not knowing how to get this out dispassionately. "Can I ask you a personal question Richard?"

Richard looked at him again in surprise.

"Yes, Derek feel free, no prob..."

But Derek didn't even let him get the full word out before he blurted his first question, incapable of totally erasing the bitterness and accusation from his voice.

"Did you have an affair with Ellis Grey during your residency?"

Richard seemed to stop breathing momentarily, and his eyes opened wide in shock. Yet almost immediately afterwards, his expression was suffused with pain, regret and undeniably, shame. He didn't even need to say the words for Derek to know the answer, but Richard's voice sounded all the same, unusually feeble and broken, like a badly tuned radio.

"Yes."

The neurosurgeon's eyes darkened in disgust, his fists clenching on the arm of his chair. He longed to ask the same question he had asked Ellis, of what brought someone to commit such a betrayal of the ones that mattered most, but he didn't. He had graver concerns than understanding the parallels between Richard's affair and Mark and Addison's betrayal of him. He was more concerned on how it mirrored his own relationship with Meredith, and how that had affected her.

Richard looked at him sorrowfully, as if dreading yet needing the next question, in hope that his confessions to Derek might lessen the load of his guilt.

"You loved her."

Richard looked surprised. It hadn't been a question. And Derek's face now bore a slimmer of empathy as well as anger and disgust.

"Yes, I did."

Derek nodded absentmindedly.

"So why did you go back to your wife? Why did you stay with Adele?"

Richard hadn't been expecting that either.

"Derek, I'm sorry I don't quite understand what you want from me."

"I need to understand" he said almost pleadingly. "Why you did it. Why even if she was the love of your life, you went back to your wife. It wasn't just an affair. She really loved you. It wasn't just some cheap fling to get each other surgeries. She left her husband for you. But you stayed with your wife. Because what? It was the right thing to do?"

He wasn't really talking about Richard and Ellis anymore, that much was clear, and Richard himself started to see it. "Because you needed to take the safe decision, avoid the risk of getting hurt? Because you felt she was the right person for you to be with? Why? And how do you look back? Do you regret your decision? Do you wonder what the hell might've..." his voice hitched as it got lost in a quiver of anger mixed with pain.

"Derek..."

"How could you do that? How?" he ignored the chief's attempt at words, the accusation reigniting in his tone, his eyes flaring up dangerously.

"How could you do that to her, an innocent helpless little girl,...left without anyone because you couldn't stick around."

He wasn't even talking about Ellis anymore, the conversation had undeniably shifted onto her daughter now.

"How could you hurt her so badly..."

"Derek," interrupted Richard more firmly "it was more complicated than that. I didn't want to hurt anyone. I left Ellis because I felt that it was better to walk away. There would have been too much guilt otherwise. As for Meredith, I told myself it wasn't my place to fight for her. I didn't stand up for her when someone should have."

"In other words, "Derek accused bitterly, "you were a coward through and through. You couldn't face guilt, and you couldn't face responsibility, so you played the coward and had the consequences fall on an innocent party."

He laughed bitterly, his tone laced with contempt and anger. "But who am I to lecture you, when I've done exactly the same thing. I took the easy way out, and hurt Meredith when she had done nothing wrong. Nothing except love me." He shook his head to himself in remorse and shame, almost unaware of his boss now. Richard didn't know what to say. He had never seen Derek like this.

And then,...

"But...", here Derek's anger blew to its full capacity again, his glare burning through Richard, "You did it again. I screwed up, more than I can ever repair but you made it worse. You claim to care for her, yet you pushed Addison to stay. You gave chief to Burke because we were together...you, you helped take her away from me! And yet you say you care for her!"

Richard nodded sorrowfully at Derek's words. This he could answer, even if he didn't want to admit to what he had to say.

"And that's precisely why I did what I did, Derek."

Derek looked at him in horror and fury "WHAT?"

"Let me explain. Addison and you, Meredith, you were two parts of my life colliding, and I wanted to fix things. Like you, I saw what happened between my marriage and Ellis in your situation. I wanted things to be Okay. For all three of you. I chose not to read the signs, I chose to believe it was a fling, that it was a mistake, that I had to protect her from you, and that I had to get you and Addie back . And I was wrong. And for that I'm sorry Derek."

Derek scoffed; with an ironic smile on his lips "Sorry? You're sorry? You called my wife out here to PROTECT Meredith? Are you kidding me? I had screwed up, but until Addison came it was fixable. I was planning on telling her. But I didn't get a chance to. And that's on you. Its on me too, yes, but you're one of the main reasons that I shouldn't chase after Meredith anymore. That I broke her so much. One of the reasons I should give up. And I can't forgive you for that Richard, because you brought me out here. You got me to fall for her. You're the reason I can't have her, but you're also the reason I need her. So go to hell."

Meanwhile, on the other side of the hospital, sitting on a lone bench in front of the main entrance, a lone figure sat shaking uncontrollably. Meredith was quietly sobbing to herself, tears continuing to run down her face. They had alternated on and off constantly for the last few hours, so much so that she thought she was probably going to get dehydrated. As if her list of problems wasn't long enough. She had finally broken. Completely, utterly, physically and emotionally.

It had been too much.

Her mother's sudden need for surgery, and Derek,...Derek placing his warm soft hand on her shoulder, sending a shiver down through her spine, that finished by reaching her toes and making them curl. It was too much. She couldn't' fight any longer. She was spent. She barely had the energy now to lick her own wounds in defeat.

And talking of wounds, her incision site was attacking her again, the pain throbbing through her full force. She couldn't go on. She surrendered. She'd had enough. She couldn't do this. So instead, she wept.

Crying, whimpering, sobbing softly. Barely a whisper amidst the drumming beat of the inexorable rain around her, yet there all the same.

And it was that lone shivering shadow of a person that caught Derek Shepherd's eye as he left the hospital. He had looked desperately for Meredith after leaving Richard's office, needing to update her on her mother's successful surgery, needing to finally be able to go with her with cause of relief instead of more suffering. But she was nowhere to be found.

So, disheartened by his encounter with Richard, and his new failure of finding Meredith, he had changed to head home, glad for the rain he could see through the glass doors. Seattle looked like he felt. It often rained in Seattle. And since Meredith had joined the army, he had often felt this miserable. They went well, the rain and him. Dark and twisty, like Meredith said. Maybe that's why he liked it so much, Seattle rain. He associated it to her.

But as he got out finally, straight into the downpour to head for his car, something in the corner of his eye caught his attention.  
It was the petite shape of someone sitting curled up out in the rain, completely drenched, heedless of the huge pellets of rain that clamoured on them.

"You'll get yourself sick " He called, out, approaching the figure. As he neared, he realised whoever it was wearing the dark blue scrubs of an attending surgeon, and the slender frame of the shivering body told him it was a woman. He was about to speak again when when he recognised her, despite the hair now in disarray stuck to her scalp, the distinct sound of sobbing cries being heard over the din of the rain. "Meredith..."

He saw her tense up and freeze, and she didn't move an inch for what seemed like hours afterwards at his voice. Her sobs still echoed from where her face was turned but they no longer wracked her torso. However, when he called her name again, Meredith's resolve broke and he heard her voice, utterly spent, raspy, completely annihilated; seeming to exude despair.

"Please. Please don't say anything."

Derek approached behind her, longing to place a supportive hand on her shoulder again but refraining from initiating the physical contact. Meredith's breaths seemed to come out in gasps and her shaking started again.

Slowly, Meredith stood up and turned.

"I'm just exhausted." she sobbed. "This stupid recovery is exhausting, what's going on with my mother..." she gasped for breath "...and you." Here she shook her head in silence, as if not being able to say more.

"Hating you is the most exhausting."

Tears were no longer falling but her cheeks were still wet and stubborn raindrops had replaced them, taking their place in the stream down her pale face. Her tear ducts were spent, but Meredith's bloodshot eyes would still have been crying otherwise.

"I don't want to do it anymore"

Her last words were almost whispered, almost never there, barely smoky breaths in the chill Seattle air, as fragile as she seemed right now.  
And yet, the next second, neither understanding what had happened to the distance between them, she finally let go, surrendered completely, leaning in and crashing her lips onto his own.

It took Derek a few seconds to come to his senses. To grasp what was going on. One moment he had been observing a sobbing Meredith, heartbroken, and the next his lips were being assaulted by her oh so soft ones.

But as Derek felt Meredith move to deepen the kiss, he finally reacted, moving to meet her halfway. Still not totally aware, as she probably wasn't either. This was instinct, a sickening drive that flowed in sync with the rhythm of their accelerated pulses.

Her arms gently advanced to circle his neck, bringing him closer to her, their bodies seeming to fuse together in a perfect fit, while her fingers sifted his silky locks. As their lips explored each other completeness spilt through them, Derek's initial shock of disbelief morphed into drugging passion. All coherent thought seemed lost in a complete haze as Meredith hesitantly parted her lips, her tongue gently begging entrance to his mouth as it caressed his soft lips.

A hushed sigh reached his ears, pure satisfaction and release, the very sound having him go crazy.

But then he answered the assault with one of his own, the deep ache of the last five years taking over him. He wanted, he needed control. Entwining his own almost fiercely with her svelte tongue; Derek huddled her closer still, his hands settling first at her waist then circling her protectively until they reached the small of her back. He almost growled at the warmth of her body ,pliant against his own, feeling himself in heaven.

He had forgotten just how sweet she tasted, and how intoxicated the sensation of her made him. Lost in the whirlpool of sensations rippling through them; Derek recognised the tension increasing in his groin, and knew that soon enough she would feel the pressure of his arousal against her thigh. Yet neither could stop, and as desire and lust surged through him, Derek recognised the same look in Meredith's pooling eyes, begging for more. He clung to her slender form desperately, never wanting this moment to end, his only fear being that she would leave, that this was but his imagination, only a dream.

Finally where she belonged, huddled against his firm chest, at one with him, Meredith abandoned herself entirely to that one passionate longing kiss, her heart beating wildly, and moaning in pleasure at the feel of his prominent erection digging into her side. Skin flushed a deep red, it was obvious that he was as affected as her, yet somewhere in the back of her mind, Meredith could not help but wonder what he hell she was doing. She had to stop.

Except this felt so good, after so long, after all the crap that had been crushing her. Just letting go...For the first time in a long time she safe. While her brain screamed in warning, her heart begged her to stay, to let herself go in the shelter of his arms.

Slowly being consumed by a fire of lust, she grew aware, in addition to the growing manhood of the man before her, of her own arousal reaching its peak in the apex of her dampening thighs.  
And then the fire reignited stronger again, as Derek suddenly flipped her over and crashed her against the hospital wall with an animalistic cry, a new urgency added to their embrace. As his lips descended to her throat, his tongue passing slowly over the skin covering her clavicle, Derek felt her shiver at the contact. Meredith threw her head backwards in surrender, utterly and completely his.

"Meredith..."

She had to stop. She couldn't do this.

She definitely wanted to do this.

She shouldn't though.

BeepBeepBeep! BeepBeepBeep! BeepBeepBeep!

Dammnit

As quickly as it had started, the moment was over.

Meredith straightened up immediately, pushing Derek off her, and still breathless looked at her pager.

Ellis Grey 2104

"Its Mom"

She looked at Derek, flushed, hair in a mess, and registered the gaspy nature of their breathing.

Her eyes filled with tears again and she shook her head.

"Crap."

And before Derek could recover his words, she was gone.  
Crap indeed he thought


	33. Ch 33 Putting up a fight

**Hey!**

**First off, thx to all those who posted reviews, I always appreciate feedback and advice! **

**For those who don't like my Derek, I'm really sorry, but that is kind of how I saw him during season 2-4. He's a great guy who means well, but he tends to act like a huge jerk. He feels guilty about what he did to Mer, but he's also human, of course he's not gonna back off..are you telling me what he did in the show was backing off? coz if so, he sucked royally at it (and thats a good thing really coz they're meant to be). As for him blaming the chief, its not so much that i believe he's entitled to it, (he's not; he should focus on his own misdeeds), but i do feel what he tells richard is true. And richard did act like an arse. Also, I hate to say this poeple, but however much of a jerk Der is being, in his situation, wouldn't you give anything to put even a smidge of the guilt you feel on someone else?**

**As for Mer,...well, it was actually kind of funny really. Some people told me they loved how strong she was, others told me they hated she was so weak. The worst part is, they're both right, but again, that's how i view her in the show (at least until season 5 or so). Mer's had a tough life, even before going in the army, and its made her resiliant to A LOT of crap. But until der, she had no experience in love. So the fact she melts when der's around has nothing to do with her kick ass-ness and assurance in the field/ or as a surgeon. **

**Take into account if you please that Derek is not the only problem in her life right now. She's currently recovering (or trying to) from a multiple GSW, People! As well as dealing with Ellis grey, who she has never been good enough for.**

**That being said, Mer is still holding her own. Mostly.**

**I mean she did kiss Derek, didn't she?**

**Yes well..there is that. Like I said, she's not in the best of shapes...but no worries, Meredith's going to have a chance to stand her own against Derek in the near future.**

**As for him, I fear I must tell you his assiness will get worse before it gets better. (which it will eventually).**

**thx for reading!**

**luv,**

**ano**

* * *

CH 33 Putting up a fight

Christina Yang looked at her best friend in total consternation, as if she had completely lost her mind. Because in this precise moment, she was pretty sure she had. Ever since Christina had had Mer paged to the Neuro ICU where her mother had woken up from surgery and was ready to be transferred back to her room, Meredith had been acting weird.

And not just weird weird, Meredith weird which was ten times worse. And now back at the house while all the others worked the night shift, Christina had to find out what was wrong and deal with it all by herself.

And somehow she wasn't looking forward to that. Because she had had no idea how to deal with people that went completely and utterly insane. She asn't a shrink. She was a surgeon. And it was evident that what Meredith needed right now was probably a shrink, not a surgeon. She absolutely had gone insane. Because nothing else could explain why in the world she would be making piles and piles of sandwiches at five thirty in the morning, sandwiches that were now covering every single square inch or availible surface of the previously tidy kitchen.

"Mer" she asked cautiously, "are you alright?"

"All right? Of course I'm all right. Why would I not be all right? I'm fine, completely fine."

She answered, not convincingly at all, her response both too hurried and accompanied by the deepest look of panic imaginable.

She was so not fine.

"Mer, you're clearly NOT fine. I mean no offence, but look at you. You've turned into Izzie. And not in the bright and shiny, sickeningly happy ever after Barbie way. In the completely senile mad bake bash way. Except you're not even baking. Your making sandwiches. That's barely even real food. So really, please just tell me what's going on."

"Nothing's going on. I'm just making sandwiches." Meredith said non-comittally. "and it is real food, its just all I know how to make without burning down the kitchen" she added in her defence at Christina's attack of her. "I'm telling Izzie what you said about her baking by the way. I'm sure she'll appreciate it."

"Barbie could do with a few people calling her out on her insanity." replied Christina bluntly, "but right now we're dealing with yours. So. What the hell is with the sandwiches?"

Meredith let out an exasperated sigh. "Nothing. Sandwiches are comfort food. They make people feel better." she explained, while stuffing herself with the tuna sandwich she had just finished making, as if to demostrate her point.

Realisation dawned on Christina. "Oh, what did you do?"

Meredith's guilt ridden face looked back at her. "Me? nothing."

Christina raised a suspicsious eyebrow."

"Well, okay, "relented Meredith, " I got shot." she started to ramble nervously. "so yeah, comfort food. Cause recovery's crap, and my mother," she smiled slightly, as if having found a plausible excuse to explain her behavior. "My mother just had brain surgery and I'm tired and ..."

"and you're possible the worst liar I've ever met. Out with it, what did you do?" pushed Christina, expression hardened the same way a scolding parent or teacher might behold a misbehaving child.  
Meredith looked sheepish, reslove weakening.

"Okay. For the record, let's just have some perspective here and remember that I'm tired and recovering from a battle wound and my mother just got operated on, and that in the face of all that what I did is a tiny, slightly small..."

"Oh get out with it already" huffed Christina in exasperation.

"I might of ...sorta...jumpedDerekaftermom'ssurgery" she mumbled in one streak, so that Christina wasn't sure she'd understood. Or she was pretty sure she had understood, but was praying her person wasn't as stupid as to actually have done what she'd heard she'd done.

"You did WHAT?"

" I JUMPED DEREK AFTER MOM'S SURGERY!" yelled Meredith angrily, "Happy? Happy I told you now?" she let her head fall to her hands. "I hate this stupid recovery! i hate this stupid hospital! And I hate hate hate derek Shepherd!"

Christina looked at her friend in disbelief.

"You jumped Derek."

Meredith's reply was brief but mortified. "Yes"

"Last night, after your mom's surgery, you jumped McDreamy?"

"Yes."

"You and Mcjackass? Did the nasty nasty?"

"Christina!"

"What? I'm just trying to wrap my mind round it."

"Well don't. And for the record. We did not do the 'nasty nasty'. We just kissed."

"Wait. All of this is for a kiss?"

Meredith shook her head. "Look I was having a bad day, and he's just...and I just..."

Christina rolled her eyes. "So this is still what you do on you bad days? make out with Dr. Mcdreamy? Elevator again this time?"

Meredith glared at her. "No, its not what I DO. And no, it was not in an elevator. It was outside, in front of the hospital,..."

She blushed as she remembered the hot fierceness with which Derek had slammed her against the hospital wall. His hands mounting urgently from the small of her back to create firm pressure around the hardening peaks of her breasts. His tongue descending in the opposite direction from her throat down by her clavicle, sucking and nipping her for all he was worth, marking her as his as they both moaned out each other's name. She shivered at the tingling overtaking her. She had to get those images out of her mind.

"Mer!" called her friend, bringing her back down to earth. "You're flushed all red. And your breathing just shallowed."

She smirked. "So, sure it wasn't more than a kiss? Cause you reliving it sure made it seem steamy."

Meredith sent Christina a look to kill. "Oh will you shut up."

Christina shook her head in amused disappointment, smirk widening. "I can't believe you've let yourself be mcdreamied Mer. I can't believe your letting him through your hardcore military kick-ass-ness."

"I'm not!' Meredith attempted to protest, her cry being met with the ever present smirk and a skeptical look from her person.

"I'm NOT" she repeated, trying to convince herself this time. "...Just, He's not supposed to be around. I'm not supposed to be around. I'm not supposed to be here. I can't be here, I can't... I'm supposed to be in the Middle east. With guns and bombs and dark and twistiness. Instead I get the gorgeous knee weakening heart stopping mcdreaminess. Urgh! I can't function here. I'm a professional now, people respect me, I'm a double-certified Lieutenant ranked military surgeon for heaven's sake. But as soon as he's around I'm just...I'm..."

"The woman who gets the hots for dreamy jackass man candy and jumps it while her mother's in emergency care?"

Meredith glared at her. "That is rude. And unkind." her glare became a look of consternation. "And completely true. Oh my God, what am I gonna do?"

"For starters, you can start by not jumping him and keeping your knees closed in his presence."

"Chris!"

"You asked. And also, you can remember, that no man, no matter how dreamy and perfect, no matter how much your screwed up heart loves him, defines who you are."

"Her tone was serious again, and acting out of character for Christina Yang, she gave Meredith a swift squeeze of the arm. "you said it yourself Mer, you're a professional, people respect you. So make him respect you. Show him he can't mess with you anymore. Show him you deserve more. You can do it, you're a soldier. You just have to put up a fight."

Meredith groaned. "I'm so screwed."

"No your not." Christina pushed "you just need to get a grip." she laughed suddenly. "and keep your knees closed. Cause otherwise you probably will be screwed."

"Christina!"

Mark looked at his friend in complete and utter confusion. Because he knew he wasn't exactly the reference for romance or a genius when it came to understanding how relationships worked, but right now,Derek was making absolutely no sense whatsoever.

"Man, I love you, really I do. But I'm not following how anything you've told me is a problem. I'd go so far as to say it's good. I mean...Grey kissed you?"

"Yes"

"She jumped you right outside the hospital?"

"Yes."

"And it was on the point of turning into more when you got paged for Ellis Grey?"

"Yes."

Mark smirked momentarily, sidetracked from the primary concerns of this conversation.  
"so essentially you got cockblocked by the woman you want to be your mother in law?"  
Derek glared at his brother.

"yes, well. Sorry. Back to the recap. Anyway. Grey kissed you and you nearly had sex."

Derek nodded.

"And then you tell me you want to give up? How the hell is that logical? Cause THAT, I don't get."

Derek sighed in exasperation. "No, Mark. That was before the kiss. I found out some stuff..." he thought back to Richard and Ellis' affair, and the own triangle that had formed between his brother, his wife and him. "...I found out some stuff and it made me think. I just, I realised I had no right pushing her into something she didn't want, however much I did. That she deserved better."

"But?..." pushed Mark, sensing a second half to the explanation, and still not seeing where Derek was going with this.

"But then she kissed me. She kissed ME. So now I don't know if she really doesn't want this, or if..."

Mark let out an exasperated groan "Damn it Shep! we've been through this. She does want this. Of course she wants this. She jumped you for god 's sakes. She initiated a hot, steamy, near sex inducing kiss. I'd say we're pretty clear on the whole her wanting you thing."

Derek shook his head. "She left Mark. As soon as the pager sounded she left. And I thought we'd talk when her mother's checkup was over, but as soon as it was she went home. She left. She did what she always does. She avoided. And I just...I don't know what to do anymore...I don't deserve her, hell I know how much I don't deserve her, but she kissed me and I...she tells me to back the hell off and I was willing to try to and then..."

He let out a broken sigh, his eyes taking on the familiar pained looked Mark had learnt to associate with his friend's worries about Meredith. "I don't know what to do."

"You want her. She wants you. So she's avoiding you? Don't let her. Confront her. Instead of stalking her with all those deep longing pleaful looks and giving her eye sex from the gallery, confront her. She yelled at you, then she kissed you. So yell at her. Kiss get a say too. Stand up for yourself. Its simple, don't let her get away."

Derek sighed again. "It's more complicated than that Mark. Its just..."

His mind trailed off, wandering back to the feel of her soft skin under his palms, the warmth of her pliant body under his own. Her neck arched back in pleasure, moans of submission coming from her bruised lips as he marked her as his. His body tensed in anticipation at the mere memory of it.

He shook himself, trying to regain control of his emotions.

"Its just, I love her, so much. I want her so much. And if she wants me, if she wants this too, than why the hell can't she just let me?" there was a slight tinge of anger in his tone as he asked the question, almost accusatorial. He racked his hand through his untamed hair, currently unkempt and sticking out all over the place from his constant pulling at it.

"I mean, she left Mark. Not just yesterday. She left." his fears were suddenly converging on him; the dam finally breaking as he let all his troubles spill out.

"She left and joined the army. The fucking army for gods sakes. I know. I know I was married, and didn't tell her, and chose my wife, but what the HELL was she thinking? She destroyed me. I wrecked her, I broke her heart the first time she let herself trust someone with it,...I know. But what about me? What about what she did to me?"

Tears started streaming his cheeks as five year's worth of fears and apprehension washed out.  
"The army, Mark. And something happened. She's hurt. I know she is. Badly. And no one will tell me. But she's hurt. She's hurt and she won't let me in and she won't..."

"I know man."

"I just..." Derek downed the last of his third coffee. He had barely slept last night. Too many troubles. And the added frustration of unreleased sexual tension hadn't helped in the least. There was only so much that a hand could do.

"I just...I don't know what to do anymore."

"You tell her man. What you've just told me. Tell her. Don't back down. Don't take no for an answer. Show her you know you've messed up, that you know you hurt her. Show her you're hurt too. Show her you deserve another chance."

Derek let out a tense breath.

"So I can't give up?" Wouldn't it just be easier to?

"You can't give up."

"Right." said Derek forcing himself to be determined, wishing beyond all hope it would be as easy to convince Meredith, but not expecting it in the least.


	34. Ch 34 Cowards don't fight back

CH 34 Cowards don't fight back

Meredith let out a sigh of relief as she entered her office. Work. She could work. Miranda Bailey had given her the authorisation to work again today, with the condition that she could not operate more than ten hours and that was under no circumstance to strain herself.

But she could work. It was that that Meredith was focusing on, not the underlying conditions.

It was just so liberating. It gave her an excuse to avoid her mother while still having the possibility of checking up on her on her own time following her own schedule; something she hadn't been awarded the day before. Bailey had not so subtly implied moreover, and Meredith couldn't help but agree, that staying away from her mother a good part of the day would probably maintain her stress levels low.

It helped, also, that in avoiding her mother, she was going to be able to avoid Derek. Because while Christina's plan to put up a fight was a good one, Meredith concluded it would be even better if she didn't see him at all. And, she supposed, if she avoided flashing back to that kiss. That really, hot; core heating kiss that had made her want to do dirty things to him.

So just like her mother's case had given her double trouble the day before, by avoiding it today, she could garantee the double award of avoiding both people she didn't want to see.

Or that's what she hoped in any case.

Until any such hopes were dashed by a certain neurosurgeon sitting comfortably in the chair in front of her desk, situated opposite from her own, in her office.

Her office.

She huffed. This was getting ridiculous. Couldn't he stay in his own goddamn office?

"Ah, Dr. Grey. I would have waited outside, but the door was open, so I let myself in."

'I let myself in' , she repeated mockingly in her head. Who does he think he is?  
She really had to start using that key. Or perhaps booby trap her office. Thumbtacks on the chair, bucket of water balanced over the door...of course that wouldn't go so well with Richard if he chose to drop by...

"Dr. Shepherd," she greeted him distantly, if not outright coldly.

Remember what Chris said, Mer. Hold your ground.

"What can I do for you?"

"I thought you might like an update on your mother's condition, as I know you have a busy schedule this morning, and didn't know whether you'd have time to drop by her room yourself."

His expression grew smug at the confusion in her own. He'd known she'd use her mother's case as a means for her avoidance, and he'd focused his energy pretty early in eliminating that obstacle. If she didn't come to him, he'd go to her.

He was actually rather proud of himself, he'd turned that situation completely around on its head to serve his own advantage. Ha!

"Oh." said Meredith, obviously surprised at his completely acceptable answer. Deep down, they both knew he wasn't here for anyone else than Meredith, but unfortunately for her, he hadn't yet said or done anything unprofessional that would warrant her kicking him out of her office.

"I see. So how is she?"

"She's been stable since the surgery, and as you are aware, she regained consciousness last night. She's just had brain surgery so she'll of course be a follow-up case and should stay here at least a few days. The nursing home will have to be informed on the details of her post-op recovery as well; to make sure she doesn't overstrain herself."

"How will this affect the progression of her disease? Will brain surgery have affected anything?"

Derek nodded at her concern. It was a logical question from a fellow neurosurgeon, who of course understood that the complex workings of the brain were still very much a mystery.

"We don't know, which is why I'll be conducting a series of tests and keeping her under careful observation before she's discharged, all in the context of the trial. I'm keeping Brandon informed in New York as well."

Meredith nodded, thankful for the information he had given her, but equally tense with awaiting him to leave again. She felt like she constantly had to be on alert when he was around. He was worse than an enemy firing squad...Okay, well, maybe not quite.

"Anything else you wanted, Dr. Shepherd?"

Derek smiled softly, looking at her with a knowing gaze. She was playing dumb. He had known she would. Just like her had told Mark the night before. She was trying desperately to hide it, and doing a relatively good job of it, but he could read the tell-tale signs of her discomfort at his presence. It was the same embarrassment she had had in the stairwell during her first shift as an intern when she'd tried to make him forget their night together.

He wasn't going to let her out of this. Not this time.

"I don't know, you tell me. Do you think there's something we have to talk about?"

He saw her cheeks flush and smiled.

"Or let me guess, you're going to ask me to pretend it never happened."

"Dr. Shepherd..."

He smirked again, purposefully reusing his old words with her. He knew he was playing dangerously, but he needed a reaction. Her needed to show her there was no hiding from this, because they both wanted it. However much she was attempting to deny it...

"Dr. Shepherd? I'm pretty sure last night when you were moaning my name as we kissed, it was Derek." he smiled cheekily at her.

Meredith's breath hitched. Control Meredith, control.

"Dr. Shepherd, this is a workplace." she spoke out voice wavering slightly.

"A place of professionalism. And a might add a hospital as well, where people are trying to get better. What it is not, however is..."

"Meredith" he cut her abruptly "stop fighting this."

Apparently he was going for the direct approach.

"What?"

"This. Us. You. Me. Stop fighting it." To be honest, he hadn't planned on being nearly so forward with her, but her combined stubbornness and rambling, as adorable as they may be, as well as the deep arousal her flustering protests were causing him only made him want her more. Meredith was as stubborn as you could be. Mark, for once, had been right about it. In her case, there was no point beating around the bush.  
Meredith's face reddened in slight anger at his boldness.

"Excuse me? Where the hell do you get off telling me what to do? And 'Fighting'? I'm not fighting anything. There is no..."

Much to her annoyance, Derek interrupted her again.

"Yes you are actually. Has anyone told you you're a terrible liar? You are fighting THIS. This intense connection between us. And i know you can feel it. I want this. I really do. And up until yesterday, up until yesterday I wasn't sure you wanted it too, but now I am. You want us as much as I do Meredith, but you're too scared to let yourself admit it, let alone let it happen."

"'Scared'?" fumed Meredith, chosing to ignore the rest of his words, " Are you calling me a coward?" Meredith's flash of anger suddenly sparked stronger in her eyes, her voice defensive.  
Derek sighed, slightly exasperated at her determination.

"Meredith you work for the army, risking your life every day to save dozens of others, I know you're not a coward. You don't run from danger. So stop running from me."

"I am not running from you."

"Yes you are."

" Am not" she pouted

"Oh, real mature Meredith, are you just going to negate everything I say now?"

"No."

Derek bit back a laugh and Meredith scowled, flushing to deeper shade of red.

"That was not funny."

"Actually it kind of was. But as you are so determined to deny me this, tell me, if you're not running from me, why are you ignoring me?"

Meredith barely hesitated before answering, eyes still smouldering in rage.

"Because as Miranda Bailey's pointed out quite astutely multiple times, you're annoying."

"And you want me."

"I do not!" Meredith almost growled at him.

"Meredith." he said, coming closer as she stood paralysed, stroking her cheek gently with the tip of his finger. "You do. We both want this. And I hurt you. I know I hurt you. I'm sorry I did. I'm really truly sorry. And if I wasn't sure this wasn't just me, I'd let it go. But this, I know you can feel this..."

He trailed off, placing his other hand on her chest, just over where her heart was beating frantically.

She lost her train of thought as his breath tickled her cheek, and his eyes clashed with hers, only inches away.

She was the first to break the gaze, tears rising to her eyes, unable to keep facing him. She wanted nothing more than to heed his words. To fall into the welcoming embrace of his arms, and let herself go. To let herself want this as he said.

But she couldn't. She'd sworn herself she wouldn't when she came back. She'd sworn herself that again this morning with Christina.

She gulped before saying her next words, trying to keep the quaver out of her voice. "I'm sorry, you were mistaken. Now please let me get to work, I have a job to do." She was trying to sound firm, to regain control of her military gait, dismissing him. But he wasn't having any of it.

"See?" He cried out accusingly, "You're doing it again. Fighting this. Avoiding." his annoyance was growing and there was a touch of anger of his own when he spoke.

"You kissed me, Meredith. If you don't want this, if you don't feel the same way, then why the hell did you kiss me like that?" he shook his head at her "You can't deny that, Meredith. that kiss..."

Meredith froze at his mention of the night before. That had been a mistake. A lapse in judgment. And however sweet a lapse in judgment it had been, she had to forget it. It meant nothing.

Sure Meredith, you keep telling yourself that.

She snapped her head up to him violently.

"That kiss never happened." Her tone was aggressive, yet somehow fearful.

Derek shook his head. " You can't just wish it away Mer. It happened. You kissed me. Not the other way around." he paused smiling quickly at her "Not that I'm complaining..."

"There was no kiss."

"Mer, believe me, you can repeat it all you want, but you'll have a hard time erasing it from my mind. " He chuckled sarcastically.

"Not that you should be ashamed. It was a pretty damn good kiss. Hot. Made me want to take you right there and then." her flush returned, and he was pretty sure she stopped breathing for a second.  
Ok, he knew that was going a bit far, but he wanted to get a reaction from her, he was seriously getting pissed at this resisting thing she was doing.

Meredith flushed deeper, and Derek recognised the tell-tale signs of lust in her expression. He smirked. Good. She was affected. Her barriers were weakening. He was getting somewhere.

"You're sexually harassing me."

"I'm merely pointing out a few facts." his voice was getting lower, huskier, more dangerous. "and I'm not backing down until you relent."

Meredith fumed. "What am I? some prize? a conquest? 'relent'? what is this? Some macho seduction game where you exercise your control over me? well I'm not playing!" her voice was fierce and bitter. This was their third real confrontation since her return, and to be honest Derek was getting rather fed up with it.

"It's not a game Meredith. This is real. You know it and I know it."

"The name is Dr. Grey, as I've already told you countless times. And however much you repeat it..."

He didn't listen. He was really losing his patience with her. "You know what Meredith? I take it back. You are a coward. You're giving up because you got hurt, because you were wounded. I thought a soldier never backed from a fight?"

He knew he was prevoking her but he had had enough. He had waited five years to get her back and she was giving up over nothing.

Okay not nothing, but still. This was ridiculous.  
That, added to the fact that the fuming anger on her part was such a turn on. And he was still frustrated by the fact he hadn't been able to finish what he started...no wait...SHE started the night before.

"You're acting like a coward because you're scared that you're gonna get hurt. You're too scared to let anyone in, to trust anyone, because everyone in your past has hurt you."

He saw tears of shock spill at these words.

"I know about your mother's affair." he said more calmly, trying to make her see that he understood, that he empathised. "But I'm not Rich..."

Her eyes flashed daggers at him, storm brewing in their depth. "Shut up. You have no right to tell me about my life. You have no right to make comments about the army like you know what you're talking about. You have no right to call me a coward. And you sure as hell don't get to bring up my mother or Richard Webber in any of this. That has nothing to do with you. Understand?" she looked fiercely at him as if daring him to protest before going on.

"As for trusting people, I do. I trust my friends. They're the only ones that have ever held by me. I trust my platoon. We stick together. I trust my commanding officer."

Derek's eyes flashed in jealousy as he remembered once again the picture of her and Rivers.

"I let them in. I don't need anyone else, because no one else has stuck by me. And that includes you. So you don't get you call me a coward. You wanna know why I run from you? Wanna know why I can't trust you? Because all those nights ago, when you took me out to the trailer for the first time, you deliberately hid the truth from me. You asked me to take it all on faith. And I did. And all that got me was a Satanist whore of a wife flashing her marriage in my face while I had my heart trampled over and was labeled as the slut of the hospital."

Derek's face blanched. She was right, he knew she was, but that didn't stop it from hurting.  
His next plea was a desperate one. "You can't give up Meredith. You can't walk away from this again! I won't let you! Give us another chance." his voice was strangled, desperate anger at her and himself still seeping through.

"Me, walk away? How dare you? The first one to ever walk away from anything there might have been between us? That was you. That second chance you're begging for? I gave it to you. I gave you a choice, and you chose her. You walked away. So don't you dare put this on me. Now if you'll excuse me, since you don't seem to have the decency to leave my office yourself, I'll go."

Derek stared blankly at her retreating form.

Once again she was gone. Just like that.

Just like five years ago. Just like yesterday. Just like each time they'd come face to face since her return, she had just turned and left. Flaming anger surged through him. This wasn't fair. None of this was fair. His breathing completely erratic, he tried to pause to regain his calm. To compose himself. But still, nothing storm raged within him. He was just so... Mad.

Riddled with guilt, he hated himself for walking away when he had the chance. But loathe of the guilt, of the massive weight of self blame that threatened to crush him, he felt his anger surge at her, that when he was ready to leap she was the one giving up. He'd given up first, but she'd given up every single time since then.

It wasn't fair.


	35. Ch 35 Second Wave of the White Flag

CH 35 Second wave of the white flag

Making her way through he sliding glass doors of Seattle Grace Mercy West hospital the third best ranked neurosurgeon in the United States let a tired half smile form on her lips. She was finally here.

The long trip from New York had been exhausting, and really, it was all she had been able to do, when passing at her hotel room at the Archfield, to prevent herself from collapsing on her bed, and giving in to a much needed nap. But in the end, she had decided against it.

As little as she was looking to this, the quicker she dealt with it, the better. She knew he wouldn't approve of her decision; that much, she'd known before she'd even bought the plane ticket. And the long hours she'd had since then to think this over hadn't changed her expectations one bit.  
But she hadn't changed her mind either, her decision was made.

He would fight her, though, she knew he would. He was a surgeon just like she was, and like all the best surgeons, he was stubborn as hell. She couldn't expect him to just sit with the situation and leave it at it was. Things didn't just work that way.

Approaching the front desk whose occupant had yet to notice her presence, completely absorbed in her computer screen, she shook her head slightly to herself at the thought of him and the blow-up than would inevitably arise once she filled him in on the case.  
But all in all, she thought to herself, still unnoticed, this wasn't all bad. If nothing else, she'd be beyond happy to see him. It had been too long really, that she'd come face to face with her long time friend.

"Excuse me? Hi,", she greeted, her soft accent ringing smoothly, addressing herself to the slightly startled looking young woman before her. "I was wondering if you might tell me where I could find Dr. Shepherd."

"Do you have an appointment?"

The visitor chuckled lightly. "I'm afraid not. But if you could just point me in the direction of his office, I'm sure I can manage."

The gaze returned to her was one of obvious surprise at her determination, as well as a certain apprehensive hesitancy.

"If you insist, I'll buzz his office to see if I can arrange for him to see you. But I wouldn't expect too much. He's not having the best day."

Indeed, all morning, the hospital, and particularly the nurses, had been buzzing with the gossip that the Head of Neurosurgery was in a particularly foul temper, some going as far as to report yet another flaming confrontation with Doctor Grey.

The visiting doctor laughed. Just her luck. If Derek was indeed in one of his moods, it wasn't going to make her visit go any better. Nor was his mood likely to improve by the end of the day. Still, she had to see this through.

"I'll take my chances." she said simply, her wide smile being answered with an air of bewilderment almost questioning if she was out of her mind.

It wasn't long before the gravelly undertones of Derek Shepherd's slightly annoyed tone filtered through the small receiver on the desk between the two women.

"Yes?"

"I'm sorry to disturb, you, Dr. Shepherd, sir," the girl started, her voice almost trembling from nerves, "There's a woman here that demands to see you. Seems to be rather urgent."

"Does she have an appointment?" came back Derek's almost accusatory enquiry, as if knowing full well that the response would be negative.

"No, she doesn't sir, but she..."

"But nothing. You can tell her that phones exist for a reason, and that next time, she could just pick one up instead of wasting both our times by attempting to impose herself on me unannounced. I'm a busy man, I have a busy schedule."

Once again, she laughed to herself. She knew that voice. She could recognize it anywhere. It was the 'Derek Shepherd wants to be left alone pacing aimlessly while wallowing in his own self pity so don't interrupt him' voice. Hell she had been the reason behind it quite a few times in her day. She briefly wondered what, or who, could have caused it now. But really, that was a question for later. Now, she had to see him, bad mood or not.

"Tell him I promise to make it worth his while, and then tell him that after all the crap he's put me through in the past, forgoing his pity party pacing in his office for five minutes to see me won't kill him, and it's the least he can do."

Waiting by as the hospital desk worker relayed her message, she couldn't help but smile as she imagined his reaction to he hearing her words.

And sure enough, in his office, Derek was having exactly reaction to the relayed message as his friend had anticipated from where she stood on the other side of the hospital.  
Just like the hospital grapevine had reported, the head of Neuro was in a despicable mood, and had been so ever since the end of his blowup with Meredith, when she had stalked off from her own office in a last resort attempt to avoid him. Yes, he was seriously pissed off, without any hope of recovering his cheery mood any time soon.

That he wanted her, and that she wanted him, and yet that she had yet again openly rebuked him, as well as the fact that the entire hospital had heard of their dispute, all that really pissed him off. So much so, that his mood had just gotten worse and worse throughout the morning, which he had spent furiously pacing around his office like a stubborn mule. The most infuriating part about all of this was that she was clearly as pissed at him as he was at her, which quite apart from being infuriating in of itself, also served as undeniable turn on. A turn on for hot, dirty, angry sex that he wasn't any where near getting. And that fact wasn't really helping with his mood.

So he really didn't feel up to dealing with an unexpected, unscheduled visitor barging in on his busy day. Which for the moment apparently consisted in pacing up and down his office aimlessly while simmering in his own anger and frustration.

Still.  
The unexpected visitor in question had absolutely no way of knowing that. The point still stood. For all she knew, she could have interrupted the completion of medicine revolutionizing research.

Except she hadn't.  
Derek grumbled at the intercom. And from the contents of the message that had just been relayed to him, the visitor apparently did know, EXACTLY what he was up to, and whoever she was, she knew him well enough to recognize his temper; ignore it completely, and proceed to playing the guilt trip card on him. Evil. That's it. Whoever this was, was evil. Just like all the women in his life. His ex-wife, the entire nursing staff at the hospital with their stupid gossiping, Meredith...the list just went on and on.

"Let her, in" he finally responded reluctantly, knowing that whoever it was, she wouldn't just go away, and he might as well face her now rather than later, and get it over with. He just hoped it wasn't one of his sisters, or god forbid, his mother. He couldn't deal with any of them right now.

But when his door was knocked on three minutes later, and he called for her to come in, it wasn't any of them at all. In fact, it was probably one of the last people Derek expected to see, as well as one of the only ones he didn't mind coming face to face with in the present moment.

"Helen!"

"Hello Derek," she smiled genuinely at him, the two long time friends embracing in a warm hug.

"I should have known it'd be you," commented Derek smugly, directing her to one of the chairs in his office, "you've always been a pain in the ass."

Helen Crawford snorted at him. "We both know that isn't true Derek, you've just always been sore about the fact that out of all the female surgeons in Manhattan,...or indeed", she laughed "all the female population in Manhattan, I was the only one who never had a crush on you."

Derek attempted to respond to her remark with a scowl, but the sparkle of mirth in his eyes that mirrored her own gave him away.

"It's no use denying it, Helen, proof enough that its a lie is your presence here. Admit it, you couldn't take not seeing me any more, so you had to come. No one can resist my charm."

Her witty reply came flying back, with the playful enquiry as to whether or not anyone could resist his overblown ego aswell, but the fire behind the banter had suddenly died out. Reminded in her friend's joke on her reason for her being here, of the real explanation for her presence, her previously sincere smile had turned fake and forced.

The slight sigh she let out, moreover, was too soft to be heard, but even she couldn't hide the distinct element of sadness that now replaced the mirth in her expression, nor could she prevent the tensification of the atmosphere around them.

"What is it Helen?" he enquired, suddenly concerned, his tone once again serious, though not quite having regained the same hostile anger as before her arrival. His demeanor was more one of quiet apprehension, sensing that something was clearly up; his tone firm enough to indicate that he wanted a direct answer, and that he didn't want her to beat around the bush with whatever was going on.

But his friend stayed silent, her now half-hearted smile of defeat conveying all he needed to know.

"Your tumour?" Derek pushed on deteminedly. Yet now,his voice it seemed, was broken, raspy, the word barely whispered, as if he did not want to hear it spoken out loud, or not wanting to acknowledge it at all.  
Worry crippled him at what her presence here could mean if her tumour was involved. It hadn't yet been two years...it had barely been eighteen months.

In his rational mind as an experienced neurologist, Derek knew that these suspicions were the most probable explanation for the combined presence of his friend;...and patient, before him, as well as for the dejected air which her tired face now bore. But right now, he wasn't in his calm rational mind as a neurosurgeon. The tone with which he had spoken out his question had not been the one of a rational scientist. He had spoken like the concerned and worried loved one he was, hanging by on his last thread of vain hopes for the account of the person he cared for.

He was in too deep on this one. He had always known he was. From the beginning, he had let himself become too attached to this case. It was piled down on him now, in baggage, responsibility, guilt.

Too deep. Too affected. too attached. As a patient's physician, as a colleague, as a friend.

Derek Shepherd and Helen Crawford had not been instant friends; quite the contrary, they had at the start, been set to oppose each other in every way. United only by their extreme passion and common talent for neurosurgery, the first meeting of the recently promoted head of neurosurgery at Mount Sinai New York Hospital, and rising star having just completed his fellowship in the same field, had instated a fierce competition between them from the word go.

Envious of the success and talent of the woman just seven years his senior who was already promoted to a leading position in the medical community; as well as driven by the ambition of youth, young Dr. Shepherd had, just like his best friend and wife in their own fields, been anxious for his own chance to shine.

As such, he had not backed down, much to the consternation of certain of his peers, from challenging the same successful doctor in all of her decisions, treatment plans, and published articles, with a firm opinion of his own.  
Dr. Crawford, on her part, far from being offended by such apparently impertinent behavior on the part of someone that was so clearly her junior in the medical world, had been amused by the attitude that had resulted in creating the reputation of Derek Shepherd's famous ego.

The constant confrontations and banter, the multiple yelling matches around hypothetical and real cases had continued, progressing into a a habit of mind exercising debates that enriched both doctor's professional careers.

Derek quickly building a name of his own for himself, and tuning down his petty competitive attitude somewhat, the relationship had gradually progressed into a strong professional reliance on each other in advice on how to treat or diagnose patients, as well as the perfecting of each other's techniques.

By the time the medical community had acknowledged the student as having accomplished, what the the ambition of had opposed them in the first place; in his surpassing her skill, the relationship had reached a state of irrevocable friendship and support, that equaled his lifelong brotherhood with Mark, and however much he refused to admit it, surpassed by far any connection he had ever had with his wife.

It had been good, Derek had admitted to himself, to form close ties with someone who in the professional arena was in the same field as him, and also responded to him on a personal level.  
Unable to face anyone of his family in the aftermath of Addison's infidelity, Helen had been the only one, even months afterwards, to understand and stand by his decision to move to Seattle, breaking all ties to his previous existence.

Unbeknownst to anyone else in his entire entourage, she had also been the first person he had confided in about his relationship to Meredith, and this before Addison's first arrival at Seattle Grace. In dealing with his girlfriend's, or ex-girlfriend's as it had been by then's disappearance subsequently, her help had been vital as well. In fact, even when Mark and he had repaired their friendship painstakingly after it being seemingly smashed apart by his and Addison's betrayal, his brother had never been the best source of advice on matters of love .

He had felt that only Helen understood the extent of his loss in Meredith vanishing; with the possible exception of his mother, who had also lost the love of her life prematurely, but the death of his father was still too painful for Derek to indulge in any thoughts of it, and he had been incapable of turning to the woman who had raised him, through no fault of her own.

But Helen, Helen had always been there.

So when he had received a call in the middle of his day off, just under four years ago, requesting an urgent consult for her, he had been terrified at what it might mean. The need of his skills over those of the many qualified neurologists at her disposal in New York had not boded well. And when they had diagnosed, from grueling tests and CT scans, that she had a parasagittal meningioma in her brain, his apprehension had turned to outright fear.

From that moment on, Derek had not been involved his Helen's welfare solely as an adviser and ex-colleague.  
He had become implicated, invested, and inevitably, he had become her doctor; because as loathe as he had been to take her life in his own hands and make the incision himself, who the hell was he going to trust to do it in his place?

He was the best, so no one.

The dangerous location of the tumor, in the superior sagittal sinus, had quickly led his treatment plan to cut what he could of the tumour out every two years, avoiding unnecessary risk that could kill her, but cutting just enough to ensure his friend kept her life. With two successful surgeries under his belt he had felt he could relax, if temporarily.

But it had been less than two years. Seventeen months and two weeks separated the present from her last operation, which represented a near seven month advance in speed of the tumor's progression.

"It came back quicker this time;" Helen said quietly, understanding the look of lost confusion on her friend's face, and confirming his calculations. "Weller even said he thought it was already too late, but I know you can do it Derek."

Derek frowned slightly, not understanding why she had gone to Weller first, this had always been his case, and he had always been ready to operate...

"I'll do it Helen. Don't worry, you know you don't need to ask..."

His friend offered him a small smile, knowing that the moment had come for her to fill him in on her decision. THAT was why she had gone to Weller. Because she had known Derek wouldn't just accept it. After all, he had always had somewhat of a superhero complex.

"It's not just that I want the surgery Derek, it's the last one. There won't be any more after this."

Derek's expression froze, not comprehending.

"I'm sorry, what?"

But both doctors knew the words had been understood.  
Helen sighed again. She had expected this.

"You can't throw in the towel." Derek stated firmly, the shade of his face darkening, the black of his previous humour slowly creeping back on him.  
wasn't going to take this.

"The recovery takes forever Derek, and I can't do this alone anymore, if Jake were still here...I just need you to do this operation, so that I can spend the next two years on the beach."

Her expression was one of contentment, yet concern for him loomed pehind. She had made her choice and was living by it, but she knew he wouldn't.

Derek shook his head. "No." He wasn't taking this. This was the second time today that someone he cared about was giving up on him.

"Helen..."

"Derek, stop looking at me like I've killed your cat. My decision's been made, and I'm happy with it."

Derek bit back his reply, knowing he would be unable to keep his composure in it.  
No. He wouldn't let her quit. Damn it! He was sick of people quitting on him. First Meredith...his heart ached at the thought of their earlier confrontation, and now Helen. No.  
"We'll get you more recent scans to get a clearer idea of what we're dealing with."

He addressed her again, his voice suddenly cool almost detached.

"You should get yourself admitted. I'll get to you as soon as I can."

He wasn't even looking at her now; the anger and pain preventing him from it. The two situations with Meredith and Helen overlapped and intertwined in his mind, bubbling up the anger and protest within him. No. He wasn't letting it happen.

"I've got something I need to do."

He was going to find a way to fix this, if it was the last thing he did.  
He wasn't going to let her quit, whatever it took.


	36. Ch 36 Profiling

**Hi! **

**This is once again a response to reviews and PM's I've had, mostly (though not only) in regards to Derek. I appreciate criticism, it helps me see what I haven't managed as well as I've hoped, and what I can improve. That said, repeatedly dissing my characters is getting nowhere. I was also slightly disappointed when people made the last chapter about MERDER, when the focus was on Helen and him (even if it is true mer was mentioned).People were focusing more on the Derek bash, and I was getting worried, I'd completely failed putting through Derek as I wished him to be(a Derek who is clearly not the guy some have perceived from reading my fic), but some of my more positive reviews reassured me they'd understood him as I intended.**

**Clearly with some others, I didn't do quite as well.**

**First off:**

**Yes, Derek is being a jerk; no that does not make him some dangerous psychotic rapist.**

**I was quite alarmed by allegations that i was sending out some sort of message that derogatory and abusive behavior is acceptable towards women in any way...I MOST CERTAINLY AM NOT**

**I sincerely apologise if my words were misconstrued in such a way as to believe I was.**

**Derek is a guy, in love in every single way. That encompasses emotional as well as physical attraction. The fact he's thinking about sex for me is purely realistic. If he was obsessing about only that, and not the fact he wanted a future with her, I'd maybe understand your worry, but please! He's human. This Isn't some Disney movie. Just because he's in love with her, doesn't mean he can't have sexual attraction as well. Also, these are his thoughts people, it's not like he's pounced on her or something! I also know i'm not the one to have invented the idea of anger as a turn on. **

**As for my influencing young girls (and possibly guys-why not?) reading this, I'm not quite naive enough to believe an M rated fanfiction will stop the advised under sixteen year olds from reading my fic, but i would hope that should those under sixteens decide to read my fic, they take responsibitily of deciding to read it, as well as how they regard what they are reading, and appreciate it with a critical eye.**

**I'll repeat this...the way i portray my Derek is exactly in character to how i view him on the show. Maybe my writing isn't up to scratch, so he's turning into a monster in your head. But that's not what I'm trying to do at all. If it helps, try to recross the words in my fic to the derek from the show, it might help you find what i was trying to do. If not, I'm sorry, but I can't do any better, and i can only advise you to discontinue reading this fic if your issues with my character are so strong**

**I know what your going to say...derek NEVER acts like that in the show...except he kind of does. I love derek really i do, and he IS a good guy, with set values and morals, who strives for what is right. but seriously!havent you noticed he can be extremely selfish? and even downright cruel? **

**Never on a cool head,true, only in anger but he's done it:**

**calling mer a whore out of jealousy,his whole anger at her in season 4 (meredith did her share i agree), then his beer binge season 5, and other times as well... **

**stop telling me my flaws for derek are imaginary.**

**again, my apologies if in my writing they seem to you to be over the top. but i will say, everything is more intense(as i see it) in one's thought (as read in a story) compared to actions (which are MOST of what you see on tv shows).**

**As for the comment one of you made about my age, that had me cracking up with laughter...you actually weren't that far off, and i certainly do not claim to be some expert on love and relationships...i'm not. That doesn't mean i have quite the naive perception of it you're trying to stick me with. Who the hell said i was just going to have mer fall in derek's arms? In case you haven't noticed, i'm already at 35+ chapters, and all they've actually had is one kiss. I don't plan on turning this into a hurried finish with a happy ever after at the end. Its going to be a long struggle, for both of them (stop disillusioning yourself into thinking meredith doesn't have issues here aswell people)**

**That said, As some of you have quite rightly pointed out, Mer's strong. What in the name of hell makes you believe she'll accept anything other than the best she deserves of him! Geese louise people.(and seriously, are you going to tell me ANY of the relationships on the show, MERDER included, are completely realistic?)**

**Oh and another thing, Derek doesn't actually think women are evil. That's called venting people. as in run in mill classic bitching. You know like when ur pissed off, but you know whats making you angry is partly if not mostly your fault, so you go off in a mood, like a child…..someone said he's acting like a child;…that he is. It happens to the best of us unfortunately.**

**On another note, thx for the appreciative comments on Helen, her episode in the show was one of my favourites and i adore her character. Hope you enjoy her as much as I do, she'll be here for a while yet.**

**Cheers,**

**ano**

* * *

CH 36 Profiling

Considering how her day had started out, Meredith estimated that she was in a pretty good mood.

And really, her day had started out really crappily. First, there had been her mortifying confession to Christina this morning, about the kiss with Derek last night. then there had been the ten pounds of sandwiches she'd stuffed in her mouth with in a vain attempt to forget said kiss. THAT would have atleast served to deal with her bloodsugar deficiency, had her body not decided to puke it all out later, adding a crippling nausea to the neverending list of her afflictions. It was true that when you ate two dozen sandwiches of comfort food on absolutely no hunger by cramming them in your mouth in ten minutes flat, you didn't expect to keep it all bad huh?  
Instead, it had only made it worse, ensuring that she couldn't swallow anything at lunch time because of the nausea, with the now added risk of dehydration. Bailey was going to have a field da at her next check-up.

But still, even with her disgusting vomiting, she was feeling alright. Now that is.  
Her face to face with Christina and the tuna sandwich stuff fest hadn't been the only ordeals of the morning. No, an already bad day had been made even worse when she had been cornered by Derek in her own office.

That had not been fun. That had been frustrating as hell, and by the time she had stalked out , Meredith had been angry, close to tears and in an equal amount of physical and emotional agony. Crumbling in the after effects of what that encounter had been, she'd put herself on a self-imposed nap until eleven o-clock, not wanting to risk agravating her already fragile recovering-or-not-so-much stress ridden body.

But the tribulations of the morning had gone on. because then, after her nap, well then she had been to see her mother. It had, she thought to herself, gone surprisingly well, and considering what the rest of the morning had been, it could admittedly be argued as having been an improvement in her day. And that definitely hadn't been expected.  
No one, least of all her, could possibly expect a visit to Ellis Grey to be an improvement in the day, any day.

Though to be fair, its going well hadprobably been solely, due to the unconcsious state of sleep Ellis had been in al through the visit, not to mention the added absence of her doctor who was undoubtedly one of the last people she wished to see right now.  
But really, the fact that she needed her mother to be dead to the world for things not to go badly between them, that wasn't great either. So while not as crap as the rest, that hadn't actually been that good either.

And yet, right now, in this very instant, Meredith was once more in a good mood, even if she was becoming increasingly flustered and embarrassed at the drooling groupie awe with wich she was blatantly staring at the woman across the hall.  
Because really in that moment, thet's who she felt like. A drooling groupie, dazed and jaw-dropped in front of their idol.

Across the hall from her, holding a coat in one arm while addressing an admin worker for an admission chart was none other than Dr. Helen Crawford, international neurological genius.

Meredith KNEW it was her.

True, she had never met her, and had only been given an idea of her appearance from the shabby quality biographical photos posted at the end of her articles; but Meredith had read enough of these articles to know the woman she was gawking at was indeed Helen Crawford.  
The origin of Meredith's infatuation for the famous neurosurgeon had really been a complete accident. While concsious of her name and some of her works, it hadn't been until the end of her third year residency in the army that Meredith had started scouring all Medical magazines avaible to her in an avid search for her articles.

Indeed, she had been pleasantly surprise when Dr. Milz, a second year resident she had been put in charge of in her platoon, had revealed he was subscribed to the Surgeon's New Yorker , a prestigious surgical magazine published in New York, in which all the best surgeons published their research and articles. Meredith had abstained from making such a subscription to the Seattle equivalent, conscious of the fact, at the time, that the main appeal of the articles for her were in Neuro and trauma surgery, neither of which she wanted to read of in seattle. Her hometown, and in fact the whole of Washington State, had virtually no trauma physicians to speak of that could possibly compete with what she had in the army, and as for neurosurgery, while Seattle did indeed have the second best ranked neurosurgeon in the country, she had had no inclination to see his face staring at her from the pages of a magazine, or read about him, when her transfer had been to avoid him in the first place.

So, once read through by her colleague, Meredith had, in her rare spare time, when she didn't spend it writing letters to her friends, perused the works of Dr. Helen Crawford instead, who while not quite as much of her type as Derek Shepherd, and slightly less well ranked in number three, was absolutely brilliant in her own right and whose identity did not hold the same weight of pain for her as Derek's did.

So, she knew that the woman in front of her was Dr. Helen Crawford.  
She also knew, that there was no way in hell Dr Crawford had any idea of who the she was.

Military medics, especially when as young as she was, rarely published in the civilian world, and while she had started building up a reputation for herself in the slightly more restrained if somewhat elitist ranks of the military medical front, it was a separate existence to the one her idol, and indeed all her current environnement belonged to.  
Which once again meant that she was way out of her league here.  
Which meant that if she didn't want to make a complete fool of herself, she had to suck it in, and make a good impression, without looking like the drooling groupie she'd morphed into.

"Dr. Crawford?" she said politely, catching the older surgeon's attention immediately."I'm sorry, I know you have no idea who I am, but I recognised you from across the hall, and wondered if there was something I could do for you?"

Great, she all ready sounded like a brown-nosing suckup.  
Helen smiled at the enthusiastic yet totally composed looking attending smiling hesitantly up at her.

"Oh, no, I'm quite all right, thank you. I'm just getting admitted. My doctor had an urgent patient to see to, and left me in charge of an intern, but I thought I could manage."

Meredith frowned. "I'd be happy to help." she offered sincerely, at the same time wondering why the hell a surgical goddess like Helen Crawford would need to get admitted at the hospital.

"It so happens I'm free right now, i could get you admitted and settled in the V.I.P. ward."

Helen smiled good naturedly at her "no, really, i'll be quite alright. And as for the V.I.P. ward, i won't hear of it; I'll be just as well in a normal room, though I would prefer a private one. "

Her smile widened at the shock her statement seemed to bring out in the young woman. Famous patients usually liked to have their comfort, her own mother was a confimration of that. obviously, this one wasn't like the others. Meredith smiled wider. It would be nice not to have a snobby egotistical bitch to deal with, for once.

"There's really no reason to worry about me, Dr..." Helen paused, looking searching at meredith, who had yet to present herself.

"Oh sorry, how rude of me" Meredith started, sticking out her hand. "Grey. Dr. Lieutenant Meredith Grey. I'm a big admirer of your work."

Helen's expression of polite dissuasion lit up suddenly, ignoring Meredith's comment of praise and focusing on her identity.

"You're Meredith Grey", she asked, her curiosity obviously piqued, appraising a slightly unsettled Meredith with a keen look of interest. Apparently, she had been mistaken, her name, and who she was, HAD been recognised.

"Dr. Lieutenant grey?" she asked, as if making sure, again. "Meredith Grey?"

"Yeees..." Meredith drawed out hesitantly, unsure where this was going.

Looking over quickly at her labcoat, which confirmed both her name and the rank with which she had completed her title, Helen smiled at her slyly.

"Well Dr. Grey, it seems you've succeeded in changing my mind. i think I'll take up that offer of letting you get me admitted after all..."

As Helen settled herself in the hospital bed of her room, which she had iagain insistednot to take up in the V.I.P. ward, she couldn't stop but wonder at the young doctor who attended her, hooking her on to all the standard monitors and completing the preliminary care notes on her chart.

She was certainly nothing like anyone Derek had gone for in the past. Even Addison. Or perhaps, she mused, smiling slightly as she looked down on the young surgeon moving about busily around her, especially Addison.  
She was certainly pretty, Helen couldn't deny that. She'd even say she was outright beautiful. But not in the overstressed fashionista way Addison had been with her expensive designer clothes and seven inch stiletto heels. Her beauty was softer, less blatant. It had an ethereal quality about it, that made it all the more unique.

Her warm blonde locks were untidily gathered in a messy ponytail, tiny strands escaping from the hold of her tie and ever so slightly accenting the frame of her face. She wore no makeup, save what appeared to be a quick lather of lip-gloss on her soft mouth, and she unashamedly bore her indigo attending scrubs comfortably under her lab coat, shying away from the office blouses and skirts her friend's former wife had been used to donning.

Yes, Meredith Grey certainly seemed different.

But Helen could not bring herself to see that as a bad thing.  
In all of the years she had known him in New York, Helen had always thought that Derek tried too hard to fit in to a mould that didn't seem his own, almost as if he were depriving himself from living his true identity.  
In the two previous visits that she had given him in Seattle, for her first two operations, she had been agreeably surprised to find that this Derek, the one that lived in a trailer in the middle of the woods and fished for his breakfast at five o'clock in the morning, that Derek, was freer, and more himself than New York Derek had ever been.

And Dr. Grey, Dr. Meredith Grey, who was undeniably the same Meredith her friend had been pining for over the last five-six years , seemed to fit that Derek perfectly.  
She was beautiful without being trashy, simple yet elegant and moreover, she mused as she watched the careful concentration with which she executed her actions, she seemed totally captivated by her job. Just like that Addison hadn't been devote to her job. But even then, Addision hadn't been in the same field as Derek. Meredith apparently was.

"So, your a neurosurgeon then," she enquired nonchalantly, supposing Meredith's early confession of being a deep admirer of her work was enough for her to make the assumption.

Meredith lifted her head from the chart she had been immersed in, a little nervously. This was a national neurogoddess after all.

"Oh,…uh, yes." She replied somewhat shakilly. "As well as a trauma surgeon. Double certification."

Helen's eyebrow quirked up in sincere interest and curiosity. A double certification? Well well, well,...impressive.

"And you're a military surgeon?" Meredith's introduction as an officer had caughther interest from the start, Derek never having mentioned it before. In fact, it was that, more than anything else, that had surprised her in the discovery of her friend's love interest.  
Meredith looked at her quizzically, as if wondering how she knew, or maybe perhaps why she cared so much about her background. SHE wasn't the neurological genius. Dr. Crawford couldn't even be suspected to be checking out her qualifications for the benefit of her own condition, as Meredith was not her doctor, and would therefore not be the one holding her life under her scalpel in the O.R.

"You mentioned it when you presented yourself," Helen explained, "and I noticed the insignia on the lapel of your scrubs. I was just wondering"

Meredith's gaze shifted to the side of her chest pocket to where her rank symbol was stitched on.  
"Oh. Right. Of course..." she paused, looking at the doctor/patient before her. Why did she seem so interested in her life?

"Yes, I completed my residency in the accelerated programme of the Army."

It was Helen's turn to look at her in confusion. It didn't make sense. Meredith had started out her internship here…that much she knew…so how?but that wasn't the enquiry she put forward.  
Looking slyly at the young woman, she remarked lightly, "Military surgeons don't make it a habit to leave their ranks to mix with us civilians"

Meredith sighed. She hadn't wanted to get into this. "I'm on leave." She explained curtly. "I was transferred here because it's where I started my internship in the first place, and the army thought it would be simpler. That and the fact Seattle Grace has the most updated machinery which I need for my regular…" she cut herself suddenly. She had been about to reveal her recovery.

"Your regular?..."

But Meredith didn't answer. she definitely wasn't going that route with a stranger. Medical genius or not.  
Helen decided to go a different route. "So you say you left your internship here for the army. Any particular reason why?"  
She was fishing, she knew she was fishing, but she wanted to the bottom of this.

Meredith looked at her suspiciously. It was almost as if she knew something...  
Deciding to answer as evasively as she could, while giving the strict bare truth necessaryfor it to sound believable, Meredith replied cautiously, "I wasn't contacted by the army until after my internship here started, so it was inevitable that in accepting them, I would have to leave the surgical programme I had initially taken as a plan B."

That wasn't completely false, though Seattle had definitely not been a plan B. Indeed with her mother's disease to take care of it had pretty much seemed the only plan; that is until Addison had showed up; but Crawford didn't need to know about that.  
"Still," the elder doctor insisted, obviously undeterred by Meredith's evasiveness, "that must have been a big commitment, joining the army, especially when you had started to settle down here?"

Meredith nearly snorted at the enquiry. Settle down, yes, she most certainly had settled down; or begun to anyway. What with her friends and her job, and the boyfriend she was shamelessly in love with, despite the fact he was her boss…that is until events had so resolutely UN-settled her, inducing her transfer to the army.  
But this interior monologue was not made open to Helen, and to her, Meredith merely shrugged her shoulders.

"I don't know. I needed a change. To find myself I guess,"  
Again, she was being immeasurably vague, but still, not far, if separate at all, from the truth.

But Helen wasn't going to stand for it. She could be stubborn in her own right. After all, you couldn't butt heads with Derek Shepherd if you weren't. And she'd made a habit of that very activity over years of working with him. she was an expert. So she wasn't dropping this.

"A change?" she asked seemingly indifferently, yet her eyes betraying her determination, "Really? How intriguing. From what?" her tone though genuinely interested appeared casual, almost trivial even, just as someone fishing for insignificant gossip, but really she was fighting deep. And by the flustered look that had just illuminated Meredith's face, she was finally getting somewhere.

Meredith was at a total loss of what to answer; her mind finally completely blank. Three times she had deflected Helen Crawford's attempt to pry information, and each time her attempt had been rendered useless so much so that she was now rather at a loss as to what she could do.  
She was prevented from coming up with a plausible answer however, when the cheery tone of the man they had unawares both been thinking of appeared before them.  
He certainly seemed in a better mood then when either of them had last seen him.

"Helen! There you are, I….."

Mirroring her exact reaction at his sudden intrusion on the scene, Derek froze as he beheld Meredith, in all her splendour, ravishing as always, stood immobile and dumbstruck in front of him. They had not run into each other since that morning, and so sudden was their encounter at the present moment, as for once it was unplanned and totally unexpected by either, that they were slow to regain both their Bcountenances or indeed remember that they were furious with each other. But that didn't stop the thick tension which immidiately netted itself between them as they locked gazes.  
Meredith was once again enraptured by the piercing depth of his gaze and oozing masculinity, while Derek was at once lost in the intoxicating aura that always surrounded her.


	37. Ch 37 Risk Prone Srategy

CH 37 Risk Prone Strategy

Smug at the blatant sexual tension and sparks that were flying between the other two doctors present in the room, confirming that she had indeed met Derek's Meredith, it was Helen who broke the silence first.

She smirked. Judging by the rumours on Derek's mood before her arrival, she was prepared to bet her life that Meredith had been the cause behind it. This was bound to be fun.

"Derek! Dr. Grey here was just getting me settled in."

Meredith's bewilderment turned to face Helen "Derek?" she asked, confusion etched on her features.

"Oh, yes!" Helen laughed, choosing to ignore the paralysed awkwardness of both her companions, "Derek and I go way back…I taught him everything he knows!"

Meredith turned to glance at Derek at this piece of information, consternation turning to avid interest, and while he had graced his friend's comment with a snort, his blushing expression validated her words.

"Helen, stop distracting the hospital staff with ridiculous stories! I'm sure Dr. Grey here has better things to do then to listen to your tall tales."

His obvious embarrassment seemed to increase Helen's amusement considerably, while Meredith was met with a pleading gaze from him that she drop the matter.  
But encompassing a sly grin of her own, and genuinely intrigued by the past of a man she so much admired, loathed and however much she denied it, loved, she let herself join in the game.  
Ignoring Derek's despaired puppy look and turning to Helen she said "He's really pushy, huh?"

Helen laughed" Oh yes, always has been."

Derek looked from one woman to the other dumbstruck. They were teaming up on him. "Evil." he stated dryly, and both giggled. As always when he heard it, Meredith's giggle produced chills down his back. That didn't improve matters.

"So you've known the great from the start, then?" Meredith asked more seriously, with the smallest edge of sarcasm, yet still visibly intrigued.

Helen smiled widely at her while Derek shook his head slowly in defeat. It was no use. And really, he was partly flattered that Meredith was so obviously interested in his past.

"Oh yes." Helen started, "well..." she amended "not quite the beginning, he had just finished his fellowship when we met. I was promoted head of neurosurgery at the same hospital that gave him his first full job." She chuckled "he despised me at first. Professional jealousy." she sent a cocky provocative gaze at Derek who was just as playfully glaring back at her.

"Right. Of course."

Helen looked back at Meredith. "And then he butted heads with me until he outranked me. It was only after that," she said in a sly tone, "that his pride suffered the inconvenience of becoming my friend." the tone was sarcastic and slightly mocking so that Derek was glowering at the two now, as they looked on him with wide smiles.

"I can very well imagine that" put in Meredith, "he's always had a massive superiority complex...goes hand in hand with the ego." she smirked evilly at Derek as he was left flabbergasted. "I do NOT have that bad an ego!" he protested weakly.

Helen and Meredith both snorted.  
Again addressing Meredith, as though he was not there, Helen suddenly sighed, and half serious once more, stated simply, "and knowing his ego, it has probably had him find an impossible solution to my problem I don't want fixed; which is why he's gracing us with his presence"

Here she faced Derek again.

"I know you Derek, I know you're going to offer me some miraculous, spectacular plan to save me but I'm not having it. My decision has been made, and its final."

She was adamant and indisputable. He wasn't going to let him butt heads with her THIS time.  
Meredith was once again at a loss at the sudden shift in both the tone and subject of the two former colleague's address to one another, and her eyes shifted between the two, trying to decipher what was going on.

Derek sighed "Helen, just hear me out."

Helen rolled her eyes before fixing them on Derek again. Meredith meanwhile, still at a loss to understand what was happening, kept quiet, focused on the scene unfolding before her.

"I had a look at the scans you took two days ago in New York, and it seems the menangioma hasn't progressed too much in the last weeks. Like I said when you arrived, we'll need to do a follow-up scan, but I was wondering what you thought of a sagittal sinus bypass." Derek started.

Meredith fought not to gasp at the multiple implications of the information that was suddenly being dumped on her. None of them were good.

1)Helen Crawford, one of the foremost brain surgeons internationally, had a menangioma in her brain, a potentially deadly tumour

2)Considering the operation Derek was envisaging, it was probably in or near her superior sagittal sinus, one of the most risk-prone regions of the brain to operate on

3)the operation which Derek was proposing was one of the most risk prone procedures out there, and was only undertaken by the very best of surgeons, in the very best of circumstances, which unfortunately for Helen, rarely included middle aged women however prestigious their medical skill was.

Crap. This sucked.

She was snapped out of her thoughts by Helen's tired sigh and question. "Have you ever scrubbed in on a sagittal sinus bypass surgery, Dr; Grey?"

Meredith breathed in deeply. "No, I can't say I have"

That sort of thing didn't come around everyday on the afghan or irakee fronts...

"But you know about it."

"Of course" Meredith said slightly defensively "I AM a neurosurgeon"

Helen nodded, smiling slightly "then, I'm sure you'll know, as indeed all neurosuregeons do, that its a procedure known as..."

"Big balls surgery" Meredith finished for her. Eyes once again flickering from Derek to Helen.

"Exactly." The gleam in her eyes was seemingly playful yet pointed asshe continued. "Now it seems I have a surgeon who has incredibly big b..."

But she didn't even have time to finish her statement before Derek interrupted hurriedly, once again flushed.

"Its ballsy...yes." he said gratifyingly, "But I CAN do it." he emphasized, looking straight at her, "and its been very successful with this kind of tumour."

"When the patient doesn't stroke out." she said bluntly, still holding his gaze.

Derek shook his head, somewhat exasperated, his earlier annoyance with her returning.

"If it works, the tumour's all gone and you get what you never have to go back in again. This way its win win." he explained.

"If it doesn't work, I'm dead." Helen countered, still unphased by his arguments. Clearly, she was used to confronting him. Meredith couldn't help but think she could do with a few pointers.

Derek looked at her in impatience, his tone a little sterner. "If you refuse to come back in two years for me to operate, you're dead anyway."

Helen smiled weakly at him, squeezing his arm. "I chose it, Derek. So that's a decision I can live with."

A cool threat and ominousness lay behind his tone as he cut back "It's not a decision I can live with." And turning away from her, grabbing his pager he said firmly. "I'm getting a resident now to get your labs."

Meredith looked at Derek dumbstruck as Helen crossed her arms at his audacity. he was blatantly disregarding her wishes. And as such, Meredith mused, her privileges as a patient.

He was crossing the line.

Meredith could tell there was more than a doctor patient relationship going on here but Derek was blatantly crossing the line. As a doctor he had to respect his patient's wishes, whatever the cost for him personally.

"Dr Shepherd..."she started hesitantly, but was cut off by the hushed aggressive tone of Derek yet again addressing Helen.

"So what do you think, hmmm?" he asked sarcastically, his bitter tone cutting the atmosphere "two years on a beach? And then what? Once you piss away all your savings. Once your memory goes,"

His eyes were blaring by now, and Meredith was almost petrified in fear at the rage behind them. She didn't think she had ever seen Derek like this. "once your motor skills deteriorate and you're dying a very slow, miserable, painful death, what then?"

His voice was deathly quiet now, slow, every word spoken singly out for effect, Helen's eyes visibly glassy and blurred with tears as he had the desired effect of fear on her, but Derek continued heedless of her discomfort "your gonna call me up, and your gonna ask why we didn't do something when we had the chance. Now, that. That is NOT a decision I can live with." he paused, breathing slightly accelerated as he looked down on her. "Not," he paused again for effect, his tone slightly softer now, " when we can do something right now, to prevent it." his last sentence was less agressive, offering some comfort back to Helen, but for Meredith it only made things worse.

She had had it, she was furious. He had blatantly taken advantage of his friendship to pressure her into something she didn't want.  
Once again Derek Shepherd was only focused on what he wanted, without consideration of what he did to others to get it. Just looking at Helen was enough. The previously cheerful woman was now bent over in cowering fear, eyes blurry and terrified. Derek had no right. She was a patient, and he had backed her into a corner.

He had no right.

She shook in rage, the similarities between how he had treated her that morning coming back.

"It's not your decision to live with" she cut in suddenly, the determination and severity in her voice surprising even her.  
The two others were startled into looking at her again, as if they had forgotten her presence there.

"I'm sorry?" Derek asked, but his tone belied his words, and his gaze was cold.

"I said it's not your decision to live with. Its hers. You can't bully a patient into a surgery just because you have a personal relationship with her." her words sliced through Derek like glass, but she continued.

"It doesn't work that way. You can't force people to accept things the way you want them just because it's more convenient for you."

The double entente was blatant in her words, making it clear this was also about them.  
And just like that, the same blaring eyes Meredith had been shocked to see in Derek as he adressed Helen were suddenly on her, his criel flaming gaze of disdain staring back into her own with nothing but contempt and fury.


	38. Ch 38 Fighting for what is right

H 38 Fighting for what is right

Meredith sat at her desk organising the successive shifts of residents and attendings covering the E.R. the following day. Doctors not scheduled to surgeries each had a time-slot alotted to them, with a few off-call doctors penciled in in the case of a crisis, when extra hands might be needed. It was always better to be prepared.  
She turned her head to the clock pinned up on the wall above her door.

3:00 A.M.

Stiffling a yawn and shaking the exhaustion out of her limbs, she turned once again towards the still half-empty schedule. The E.R. schedule. that was no longer for the following day, but now the present one.  
Sighing in frustration, Meredith rubbed her tired eyes and tried to concentrate once more. She really had to get through this now. She had planned on finishing this before midnight, obviously unsuccessfully. But really, she had to get through it as quickly as possible, so that once her morning shift started, she would able to concentrate on more pressing matters. Namely the Helen Crawford Case.

Which meant she had to stop thinking about the Helen Crawford case right now and finish up this schedule, as well as the inventory of which E.R. supplies needed replenishing. But it was absolutely no use. Try as she might, she couldn't get either Derek or Helen out of her brain. That, along with the grueling fatigue she was cowering under, made it extremely difficult to focus on a task as boring as administrative planning. The Helen Crawford case, which her tired mind was unable to push away for the time being, throbbed in her head, like her very own sagittal tumour.

The whole situation was truly headache inducing. Everything about it was wrong.

There was the fact, first and foremost, that the patient in question was a neurological legend, one of the pioneering women in her field, much like Ellis Grey had been in her own career. With the significant difference between the two , of Helen not being a total bitch. Which meant that quite apart from seeing her as an idol professionally, Meredith had to admit, she hadn't been able, even in the hour or so of contact she'd had with her, to prevent herself from getting attached to Helen Crawford the person. Which is why she sympathised with Derek's situation.

She wasn't stupid, or dense, and whatever Derek's insinuation to her during their last confrontation, she wasn't an unfeeling bitch. Quite the contrary. She could see the toll this was having on all parties concerned, and on Derek in particular. The friendship between the two neurological prodigies was obviously a very close one, and Meredith couldn't help but think that if it were Christina or Mike, she'd probably be acting in the exact same way. But that was precise the point she had been trying to make. Derek was reacting as a friend, and not a doctor. Which was the second problem.

There was absolutely no doubt in Meredith's mind that if anyone could perform a sagittal sinus bypass flawlessly in the crappiest of circumstances, it was probably Derek Shepherd. She knew how gifted he was. After all, she'd seen it and learnt from it first hand. But in this instance, the question for her was no longer if he could, but rather whether or not he should.

He had blatantly crossed the line in pressuring her to have the surgery and get treated on his terms rather than hers. That should have been warning one basic golden rule of any doctor was to keep his patient happy. They were scared and saw their life threatened, and it was your job to get them to trust you and let you do the best you could to save them. But you only ever went as far as they were willing to go. You couldn't push. Sure, you presented all the facts, gave your professional assessment on the matter and hoped they decided accordingly. But you let them decide. You abandoned to them that decision. Ultimately, they chose. And Derek had gotten in the way of that. He had guilt-tripped his friend into signing off on a risky surgery out of fear. And that, was a problem.  
It wasn't the first time Meredith had seen something like this happen; family members and loved ones often held an influence over patients that it could seem hard to free them of. Indeed sometimes, it was a positive thing. When a family member gave a patient the will to fight. But then, there were the cases where it really was the patient's call on whether or not the fight was worth it, and this, was one of them.  
As doctors, it was in cases like these, that it became their role to protect the patients from their loved ones. Secure them the liberty of their freewill. You had to be the patient's his voice, when he was too scared or tired to speak up. Such as pediatric cases where parents refused to end the unnecessary suffering they were causing their child out of love-induced refusal to accept the end.  
But here everything was complicated by the patient's doctor being that very friend, that very loved one that Helen needed protecting from. Even if he was doing so with the best intentions, Derek was letting his professional judgment be clouded by his being Helen's friend.  
Which brought Meredith to her next concern.

Derek had, in her opinion, absolutely no business treating this case. He was too attached, too implicated. And more than her concern for Helen, Meredith was terrified at the realisation that even heavier weighing on her shoulders in this, was her concern for Derek. Getting over attached to a patient was one of the worst things that could happen to a doctor. It lead to extra pressure, extra stress, which led to quickly made decisions, and in the case of failure, crippling amounts of self-blame.

However much she was angry at him, she could not, for all the love she felt for him, bring herself to sit by and watch as he did this to himself.

There was a reason doctors were prohibited from treating family. It was because of the effects it could have on the doctor, and the repercussions that could have on his work, and so effectively, on the patient. And Meredith knew to the very depth of her core that if anything happened, if any glitch occurred, no matter how how minor, no matter the reason, it would destroy Derek. Holding any life in your hands was a burden many shied away from, that they as surgeons had embraced, but holding in your hands the life of a friend was something else entirely.

Meredith shook her head to herself. He was already too altered by this, she didn't want to think what it would do to him if something happened. The Derek Shepherd currently preparing for surgery was not the arrogant, cock-sure, playful attitude Derek she knew. He was a nervous wreck, and she couldn't stand it. However tiring that other Derek could be, it was the man she had fallen in love with, and she couldn't bare to see that spirit in him so broken.  
No, however much it hurt, however much it was painful to love him, she cared too much. She had to do something. Derek had accused her of giving up. Of refusing to fight. Well here she was; fighting.

**FLASHBACK**

_Their fuming staring match on each side of Helen's bed continued for a few more minutes before Derek finally lost patience and interrupted the paralysed silence, roughly ordering her in the hall for a private word. And so, at his cold formal address of "Dr. Grey", she had followed him out, leaving a slightly shivering Helen behind. _

_But Derek wasn't really focused on that at that stage. All his pent up anger against her of the morning, multiplied ten-fold by the stress and worry of his friend's affliction, was currently focused on Meredith. And indeed, barely had she clicked the door of the patient room shut behind them, then Derek had already wheeled on her fiercely._

"_Where the hell do you get off challenging me in front of a patient?" he yelled, "MY patient" he further insisted, so ferociously that the sturdiest of individuals would have cowered down before him.__  
__But Meredith was just as strongheaded as he was, and quite used to by now, because of her slightly rebellious nature, being yelled at by the many different authority figures of the U.S. army, all of which were much more frightening than Derek Shepherd. So, she held her ground, answering him in just as firm a tone, if slightly more composed. She was NOT backing down on this._

"_Someone had to. You were completely overstepping the line of your rights and ignoring the basis of patient care. Someone had to stand up for her!" she replied angrily, furious in her own right that she was getting told off for doing the right thing._

"_Overstepping the line? You're the one who's overstepping the damn line! How dare you? She's my patient! Who I'm trying to save. As for you, you have no need to 'stand up" for her as you say, she's none of your concern."_

_Meredith wanted to say that even if that had been the case, and she hadn't felt compelled for Helen's sake to become implicated, she would still be concerned for him, but didn't. She had already denied him, and herself, the truth of those feelings, no matter that she'd been lying, and now wasn't really the time for that...__  
__Instead she answered his words with a biting reply of her own._

"_She became my concern when her doctor completely ignored her wishes. She has a right to make her own way without you guiltripping her into doing as you damn well please."_

_Derek was trembling when he next spoke, his voice broken in agony-filled rage. _

"_I'm not going to let anyone else give up on me. Just because you're too coward to give this a chance, it doesn't mean I'm going to let anyone else go. You made your choice clear this morning, and Helen's made hers. She agreed to the surgery, that's all that matters."_

_At this Meredith stumbled back slightly, taken aback by his brusque return to the morning's argument., but recovered eventually._

"_She didn't make that choice. You made it for her." _

_Her tone was nowhere near as bitter at that morning, her voice quiet when she added, "and please don't make this about us, this isn't about us." She was almost pleading, regretful. She hated to see him in so much pain..._

"_No, you're right, Dr. Grey", he said the name spitefully, "you've made it abundantly clear there is no us."_

_She felt his words tear at her insides as he spoke them, as if, in spite of her insistance to the contrary over the last eighteen days, the knowledge that he was finally giving up on them was enough to truly break her._

_Despite that she'd repeatedly spurned him, Meredith realised that deep down, she had shared his hopes, and wished to be with him. As if it had taken him to finally give up to acknowledge the strength of her own desires. But his finally letting go made them impossible. At the present moreover, there were other concerns to deal with. And indeed, unheeding of the acute pain now etched in her expression, Derek continued on the previous subject_

"_This is about me trying to save my friend's life. Which you're getting in the way of."_

"_If you're so hell-bent on her having the operation, Derek, then at least let someone else scrub in. You're in no condition to do so yourself."_

_Meredith's tone was calm and compassionate when she finally answered with this proposition, still recovering from the blow of his cutting words to her about them. She knew, that as fixed as he was on seeing Helen get better, he would not give up the surgery. But if she could limit the damage, avoid him that crushing pressure, she would.__  
__But if possible, Derek's countenance became even more hostile to her at these words, his tone threateningly low and cold.__  
__"No way in hell am I trusting her to anyone else. She's my patient and I'm seeing to her surgery."_

_Meredith shook her head._

"_Derek," she once more addressed him by his first name, trying desperately to reason with him, "you're too attached to this case, if something were to go wrong..."_

_But Derek interrupted her._

"_Nothing will go wrong. I'm the best there is. I can and will do this surgery. How dare you question my judgment? I'm your boss. I could report you to the chief for this. Undermining me in front of her and again now...I am NOT too attached. I am merely trying to take care of my patient. And as such, I am ordering you to stay the hell away from her. As you've so graciously pointed out, this is a difficult surgery, and I don't need your negativity affecting her before we put her under." _

_He looked directly into her eyes as he said this, the usual comforting glow replaced by blistering animosity, so that it hurt to keep his gaze._

"_I don't want you in her room, I don't want you around her room or even in this hallway, I don't want you in the O.R. If I so much as see you in the gallery, I'm writing you up to Richard. You're not even on neuro today, so you have nothing to do with this case." _

_His ice-cold voice hammered in her mind. _

"_I'm not letting you jeopardise me trying to save someone I care very much about. I'm trying not to lose someone else,"he said this looking pointedly at her, accusingly, before finishing, "which, as you're preventing me from it, is something you obviously know nothing about, so shut the hell up about it and get out of my sight."_**END OF FLASHBACK**

And so, Meredith had left him, wallowing in his anger, shaking her head at his stubbornness as well as reeling in the double impact of his words on her, and the memories they surged up from her past.

Derek had been wrong about one thing.

Well several in fact, she mused, thinking about the feelings she was still attempting to deny within her. But he had been wrong about something else as well; in his anger-made assessment that because she was fighting him on this , it meant she didn't understand, that she didn't know what it was like to fight for a friend's life, that she had no idea what the hell she was talking about. He had been wrong, because Meredith knew exactly what he was going through, possibly better than anyone outside of her platoon could realise.

She knew exactly what it was to have a friend's life weighing over your head, and it was precisely for that reason that she was fighting Derek on this. Attempting to protect him from doing something that she was still convinced was a mistake.

**FLASHBACK**

_Adrenaline coursed through Meredith's blood, not letting her focus on the fatigue or compacted grime crippling her aching body, drenched in sweat. Unstoppable tears were rushing past her eyelids as she called the order again "Charge to 300!"_

_The medical officer next to her reluctantly followed the order, but it was no use. They all knew it was too late. Even Meredith._

"_Damn it Parker!" she cried out, her fists clenched as she injected another milligram dose of medication in a vain attempt to get his stats up "you can't do this! You don't get to die on me!"_

_It had been an ambush, a stupid ambush. Colonel Danforth's platoon had headed out onto the field that day, Corporal Henry Parker at the head of his squadron line, inevitably receiving the first and the worst of the incoming fire. Multiple GSW's, one near his heart. It had almost been too late from the battlefield itself, but his platoon had managed to bring him back in the off-chance that something could be done. But really it had already been over by the time they had gotten back._

_Meredith had spent the entire day running around the trauma care tent, rushing from case to case, exhausted with stress and pressure. To diagnose, patch up, and save. But when she had recognised the last of the blood drenched bodies layed out before her, she had felt nauseous. It had been too late before she had started, and deep down, Meredith had known as much, but she wasn't letting go on this one._

_To everyone around misogynistic, on the surface shallow and callous. But she'd gotten past the defensive appearances he hid behind; the walls, that just like herself he'd protected himself with. In a lot of ways, he reminded her of Alex._

_So, she refused to give up until she could truthfully say that she had done everything she could. That was one thing her civilian training had made damn straight in her mind before her transfer here. You didn't give up until it was over. And she wasn't about to ignore a lesson Miranda Bailey had taught her, especially for the sake of a friend. He was one of them. They all were. But this one, this one was a friend. Sure he was annoying, and could usually suffer from being pulled down a notch or too, but he was a good guy. He had a wife. Two adorable eleven month old twins that made him lose his hard-ass exterior when he mentioned them, his eyes lighting up in cheesy wonderment at how much he loved them.__"Damn it Parker! Come back!"_

_She looked around her in horror as the realisation hit her that the rest of the operating team were standing back._

"_No! You can't give up, you can't..."_

_She was startled by the gentle but firm hand of Colonel Rivers on her shoulder, as he repeated the order given seconds previously, that she stand down, like the rest of her colleagues._

"_No, we can't give up...Parker, he...I..."_

"_Stand down, G." he ordered calmly, compassion and yet determination seeping through "it's over."_

_She turned to her commanding officer in utter despair._

"_No! We can't give up. I'm a doctor, I'm;.. I'm supposed to save lives...I"_

_Michael shook his head, his voice a bit firmer. "That's an order G. stand Down."_

_His grip tightened on her shoulder as she started shaking in near hyperventilation.__  
__Shaking his head at her he sighed deeply._

"_You can't save everyone G, sometimes you just have to let go."__  
_  
**END OF FLASHBACK**

Meredith's heart clenched at the memory. How the guilt and feeling of utter uselessness had crushed her.  
She remembered how she had cringed at the realisation of the inexorable waste. The total waste of life that came from war, the sickening, overpowering prevail of death everytime. If it wasn't at one moment it was later, but in the end, the death always prevailed.  
It was then that she had been confronted with the real pressure of her mission. After that, she had no longer simply been Meredith Grey running away from her broken life. She had felt from that moment on the specific weight of the responsibility she had undertaken in joining the army, and indeed, in reciting her Hippocratic oath upon becoming a doctor.

But at the same time, she had been faced with the uncertainty of it all. The backlash of the responsibility she was signing up for, that however hard you tried, however efficient you were, you didn't always win. In fact, there were times, when you felt like crumbling under the impression that the losses far outweighed the victories, and that all this wasn't worth it.  
You never got used to the death.

It had been a lesson she hadn't completely assimilated in the civilian world, the loss of patients, and out here, in the middle of a war, it was a much harder, crueller lesson to learn. Back here, you had to come to terms with the fact that you couldn't save everyone. All the patients you attended to, the children, the annoying grouchy old men and the brainless college cheerleaders, all the patients you got to know over the course of a day or two, or sometimes weeks for the big cases, you couldn't save all of them.

But in the army, it was different. The people you treated weren't strangers. They were your people. There was a always a big chance that you knew the person you were cutting into. Not always, because there were several platoons, and they didn't always interact very much, but most of the time, you were conscious that the stretcher being brought in from afar as you ran around the trauma tent, could very well be carrying one of your friends in it. There was always that risk. That you'd have to take a friend's life in your hands. Step up as a doctor and forget that this was the same guy who'd beat you at poker the day before. Forget that this was a guy who, for months at a time, had played a part in your life. Forget that the person on the table, and sometimes in the bodybag afterwards, was or had been somebody to you.

That was why Meredith couldn't watch Derek crumble under the guilt if something happened to Helen. Because she knew what it did to you. And however much she hated to fight him on this, she would do anything to spare him that pain.

You were told when you became a doctor that you wouldn't save everyone. The gap between the words and the realisation of the reality was bad enough. In the army, the toll it took on you was even bigger. Amongst the rockets and the grenades, you came to learn that under the constant threat of fire, you could lose anyone.

Meredith knew what it was to lose someone you'd worked with, cared about, built a friendship with.  
So no matter Derek's orders and threats to her, Meredith knew she had to do something.  
She wouldn't go to the chief. If she was honest with herself, she didn't want him involved in this . And there was the fact she knew that it wouldn't help matters in any way. It could only really make things worse. Derek would see it as a direct attempt to undermine his authority, as a well as a staggering display on her part, of taking advantage of whatever relationship she might have with Richard. So no, she wouldn't bring this to the chief.

She'd have gone to Bailey, but she thought that in this case, even her lecturing wouldn't have gotten through to him.

There was only one person Meredith could possibly think of that had any chance of getting the message through. And he owed Derek, that was undeniable. Come to think of it, he owed her too.  
She looked at the clock again. 4:15 A.M.

She still had to finish this, she decided, and really, it was still too early to page him. But knowing him, he probably wasn't sleeping. She'd be prepared to bet her life he had spent the night...otherwise engaged. She shook her head in mixed amusement and exasperation at the thought. She supposed she could give him another hour before paging him, while she finished all the other things she had to do.

But then, it was show-time.

* * *

**AN 28/06/12**

**Okay people,**

**no doubt some of you have noticed that i haven't updated in a while. The reason is simply that my cousin thought it would be a good idea to spill her cofee on my usb stick. Thankfully there weren't too many chapters on there, but it might take some time to get through. My other story got held back as well unfortunately, and it (RotP) gets priority in rewriting simply because its the one i havent updated on in the longest.**

**As for the haters on WiL that are saying i quit war is love coz i couldn't take the heat, they can piss off. When you don't know what the hell ur talking about, plz shut up. There is no way i would let a couple of discontented critics scare me off. I've already said i appreciate criticism, and i stand by that. When its contructive it helps polish and improve writing. What i do not appreciate is constant unbalanced repeated dissing on the same points over and over. I've already said this a million times, if you don't like my fic, don't read it. I happen to think my derek is on par with the one in the show, and enough people agreed with me that i know i can keep writing him that way. For those of you who remember the Helen Crawford episode from the show, Derek behaved exactly like he did in my fic, except that on GA no one called him on it.**

**For those of you who are waiting faithfully, I'm coming home today, i'll be trying to update both stories as soon as possible.**

**The next update on WiL is a Mark/Mer face-off, its called "Consorting with the enemy"**

**cheers,**

**ano**


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